Shown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Amanda29 on September 16, 2008, at 19:01:32
My session with my T last Thurs. was really awesome. I went in to talk about one topic and ended up talking about six different things...and they all ended up being related somehow but, I had no idea they were going to emerge. (I find it weird how that happens). But, I didnt cry with what I told him although I was extremely nervous. Instead, I started shaking while I was talking...(he could tell I was upset). My T has seen me get emotional before but the stuff that I am talking about now is extremely personal to me...EXTREMELY...and I am more worried about what he thinks of me AFTER i tell him.
He told me he has NO judgement of me, which is good, but that doesn't make it easier for me to sit there and tell him what I need to tell him.
I want to be strong, and not get emotional...I am a very emotional person, and for once I would like to hold it in.
He tells me there is nothing I can say that will surprise him or make him shocked...that I can tell him anything...but it is still hard.
I have been with him for 3 years, and so we have been through a lot, but this is pretty personal, and he hasnt heard what I am going to tell him.
Is there ANYTHING that is too much for a therapist to handle?
When I get emotional I tend to want someone to hug me and previously I had gotten so emotional and I told him all I wanted was for someone to hold me and tell me that they loved me and that I was going to be ok. (I had a lack of love when I was growing up) and severe abandonment issues because I was abandoned all throughout my life ..starting at birth...so I have this constant need for people...and anyway, he ended up giving me a hug...(he asked me first) and told me that I was going to be ok and that I am loved and cared for and that...was done therapeutically..so it was ok. But, I want that again from him, but I am not going to ask for it.
Im just freaking out. I want to get to the point of tears with my T but, I am also wanting to be strong.
Im dealing with sexual abuse and trauma, and experimenting that was done when I was young...and it is extremely hard to talk about..and in the 3 years I have been his patient...it is just now surfacing...go figure. It is good that I am talking about it but it is confusing and it hurts. Im trying really hard to do my best and tell him everything..but it is so hard.
Posted by lucie lu on September 16, 2008, at 20:14:29
In reply to wanting to cry but embarrassed., posted by Amanda29 on September 16, 2008, at 19:01:32
Amanda,
It sounds like we are going through similar things this week. Look at the replies to the thread above ("i cannot tell my T") - there is a lot of empathy out there from others who've gone through the same things in their therapies.
Funny you mention that hug. I've been seeing my T for 6 years. In what was probably the most important session we ever had, we were going over some pretty painful stuff. I wanted, no, I badly NEEDED, a hug - from him. He wanted to engage me verbally but I just couldn't do it. I was sobbing, leaning against the door, repeating "I just can't do this" (meaning therapy). Then I saw that he'd come over to me, and asked "Do you still want that hug?" Which of course I did. It was so firm, almost uncomfortably tight - I think he was trying to ground me (he was careful to keep the hug "from waist up" which I did appreciate). But it enabled me to calm down enough to sit next to him again and talk. I asked again for a hug a few weeks later and he looked embarrassed but said we really couldn't, and I said OK. I didn't ask again. We've talked about it several times since (known as "The Hug"). We both know that if he hadn't responded that way then, I would've left therapy. Sometimes you just need someone to make that exception for you, to make you feel you do matter.
One thing I did want to ask you, Amanda, why is it you feel you have to be strong? To me, it seems like therapy is one of the few places where you don't really HAVE to be strong. I also wonder what would really cause a T to blink. I'm sure they probably have heard it all if they've been at this for any period of time. Can they really be surprised by anything? As other posters told me, just do it in baby steps. That would give your T the chance to reassure you by showing you he can take it. You'll gain confidence in him and maybe in yourself too, and you'll be able to talk about those things you need to talk about.
Good luck,
Lucie
Posted by Daisym on September 17, 2008, at 1:47:56
In reply to Re: wanting to cry but embarrassed. » Amanda29, posted by lucie lu on September 16, 2008, at 20:14:29
Amanda,
I've been seeing my therapist for over five years and talking about the csa stuff for 4 and new stuff still comes up. Right now we are doing a lot of somatic work - and it is super painful and embarrassing too - how stuff is remembered and felt by the body. Trying to describe the sensations is difficult -and I think I've shocked my therapist a few times, especially lately. He is shocked at what happened, but he isn't angry with me about it. He is pretty honest about how he feels when I tell him stuff - last week he knew that I was having a hard time with his strong response (stronger than mine) to a story.
But - he hangs in there with me. And eventually I usually get to the tears. Crying or not crying is your choice and either way - it should be how you want it. I understand trying to be strong, but you should also look at what the tears are telling you and why you are afraid to cry them. This might actually be part of the abuse memory - the fear of crying or the need to cry when you couldn't.
Keep talking about all of this. It isn't easy but it is necessary.
This is the end of the thread.
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