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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by stellabystarlight on August 23, 2008, at 12:38:33
My appointment is during lunch time and I'll sometimes bring a snack and offer it to my therapist. He usually politely declines, but will accept if it's something he hasn't had before or I insist on it.
Once, we've even shared an exotic fruit by both of us taking a bite from it because we didn't have a knife. I didn't think much about any of this since I often share food with others.
However, I was reading a psych book about boundaries, and it said that "sharing food" is a boundary crossing without a clear explanation.
Can anyone explain why this might be a boundary crossing? Am I missing something that's obvious? If neither of us is bothered by sharing some food, why is it a problem? So many rules...
Posted by twinleaf on August 23, 2008, at 12:57:21
In reply to Sharing food with your therapist..., posted by stellabystarlight on August 23, 2008, at 12:38:33
I hadn't come across food sharing as a boundary crossing. I don't think it is, in and of itself. It's undoubtedly the feelings accompanying the food sharing that might constitute a crossing- i.e. a sense of increased intimacy, you perhaps assuming the role of a "good mother" who is giving her therapist/child something delicious to eat, shared food as a preliminary to making love, etc.
If you bring in wonderful things to eat, but never discuss what it means to you to do that, it could be considered a way of acting out intense loving feelings. Those feel so great in the short term, but could hinder you from your long-term goals.
Posted by stellabystarlight on August 23, 2008, at 14:14:57
In reply to Re: Sharing food with your therapist... » stellabystarlight, posted by twinleaf on August 23, 2008, at 12:57:21
Twinleaf,
You are so spot-on!!! Eating with him does give me a sense of increased intimacy, while I'm assuming mother/lover roles for a moment. I do end up feeling closer to him during and afterwards.
It is my way of acting out "loving feelings", and unconsciously, I must not want to discuss what it means to share food with him because then I might have to give it up.
Such complex and intense emotions over what seems pretty normal and innocent on the surface...interesting how the mind works...
I don't know if I want to add this issue to the mix yet, since we've been working so well together lately. I'm really starting to make positive changes in my life. It's tremendously helped that he makes me feel like he cares about me in so many ways. I must feel cared about when we eat together.
Thank you for your insight Twinleaf. I really appreciated. I thought you might be a scientist after reading your previous posts, but now I think you might be a therapist.
Stellabystarlight
Posted by twinleaf on August 23, 2008, at 14:44:46
In reply to Re: Sharing food with your therapist... » twinleaf, posted by stellabystarlight on August 23, 2008, at 14:14:57
That's so interesting! The thing that struck me the most is that you know the food gives you a way to feel connected and closer (I'm sure he knows and feels that, too), but you can enjoy what it brings you (so can he) and avoid having to give that up before you are ready. I think that's what really good therapy is- you enter into an amazing relationship, full of intensity and passion, and both of you kind of commit to living out what comes up. Don't underestimate how intense and meaningful this probably is for your therapist as well. Things will undoubtedly evolve and change when you are ready.
I'm actually in neuroscience- research- but I did also have two years of psychiatric residency as part of my training. That was wonderful and fascinating, although the experience which has had the most profound impact on me was entering psychoanalytic psychotherapy
I don't want to forget to add that I think it's great that you got back with your therapist. From what you wrote earlier, your most fundamental conflicts popped right out with him! Staying with him-living and working them through-is going to make a huge difference.
Posted by stellabystarlight on August 23, 2008, at 20:52:52
In reply to Re: Sharing food with your therapist... » stellabystarlight, posted by twinleaf on August 23, 2008, at 14:44:46
Twinleaf,
What's fascinating to me is when your conscious mind meets your unconscious mind, and your awareness of it propelling you to the next level of understanding and action. I was conscious of innocently sharing some food with my therapist and feeling good about it, but unconscious of profound emotions associated with it. I didn't even want to talk about it for fear of losing it. Yes, a way of being intimate without either of us having to confront it and give it up. I wonder how much he is consciously aware of all this? I guess we'll eventually address this when we're ready as you say. So interesting to me too.
You have accurately assessed the dynamics of my relationship with my therapist. We have a very strong connection that is full of intensity and passion on many levels. This facet of our relationship has actually proven to be a positive in my case, even though our last rupture happened because of it. He almost "abandoned" me - my greatest fear! However, this rupture forced us to talk about some hard issues, and we jointly decided to make a commitment to repairing our relationship as best as we could. It's so much better now - we even laugh through the ridiculousness of it all. Maybe the boundaries have been crossed at times, but it's somehow working for us, and my life is improving...finally. I'm actually noticing changes.
Thanks for validating and articulating my "imperfectly perfect" relationship with my therapist. It is loaded with transference and countertransference, but now I realize that it's the only door out to a healthier place for me. I've never learned anything new about myself from other therapists before this one. It's very satisfying to have someone understand this and clarify it for me...thanks.
So...you are a scientist! I'll say you're also a stellar therapist since 2 years in psychatric residentcy is pretty intense. How much do I owe you for helping me today? I'll send you a check if you don't take credit cards. Did I get a full 50 min. hour?...lol.
By the way, I've downloaded both "Rupture and Repair of Coop in BPD" and "Trust Me On This" articles from Science Magazine. So interesting, but I'm doing mental gymnastics trying to understand parts of it. I hope you don't mind me posting a question to you about it later.
Thanks again for your help. I hope your own therapy is going well.
Stellabystarlight
Posted by Maria01 on August 24, 2008, at 16:46:33
In reply to Sharing food with your therapist..., posted by stellabystarlight on August 23, 2008, at 12:38:33
Meh. It's not a problem unless either you or your therapist sees it as a problem. If it's not a problem for either of you, then I wouldn't worry about it.
Posted by lemonaide on August 24, 2008, at 18:20:48
In reply to Re: Sharing food with your therapist..., posted by Maria01 on August 24, 2008, at 16:46:33
I agree, I think if either of you don't have a problem, then their isn't one. (unless it was strawberries and whipped cream lol) I think eating food is a boundary violations when you perhaps meet at a restaurant or something.
My T who owns this old house with many T offices in it, and a kitchen, offered me some pizza before when I said that I forgot to eat lunch, and I came right after his lunch where he bought pizza for the T's and office. I said no, because I didn't want to eat in front of my T while he was listening to me talk. lol I am so messy I would be afraid of spitting food on him or having a mushroom in my teeth or something. (not that he would care much)
Posted by sassyfrancesca on August 25, 2008, at 7:24:05
In reply to Re: Sharing food with your therapist..., posted by lemonaide on August 24, 2008, at 18:20:48
Well.....for over a year, my t allowed me to bring in food; I would bring in soup, french bread, enchildas, dessert, etc....I knew it was a way of nurturing him....sometimes he would even feed me (erotic, I know); eventually he asked me to stop bringing anything in, because of Weight Watchers....I knew that wasn't true.
I still bring in something to drink (not alcoholic)......
Sassy
Posted by stellabystarlight on August 25, 2008, at 12:45:48
In reply to Re: Sharing food with your therapist..., posted by lemonaide on August 24, 2008, at 18:20:48
Hi Lemonaide,
Spitting pizza on him with mushroom stuck in your teeth...LOL! Definitely not an attractive visual. This would have put a damper on any fantasies he might have about you. lol. I would have also declined his gracious offer!
I hadn't thought about the strawberries and whipped cream...not a bad idea...so much you could do with that...LOL!
I wonder what he'd do if I took such a suggestive food item to therapy? It's tempting to test him, but I better just keep it to fantasy. We're in such a good place right now - trust, caring, and understanding is steadily growing between us. I feel like he really likes me... Gosh, I hope I don't mess it up. I have a very challenging month coming up here soon with current life issues. I'm going to really need his help!
I'm starting to see that the food sharing hasn't become a problem, because I only do it occasionally - unconsciously protecting this intense bonding "ritual" from having to give it up. Full of meaning...sigh...another thing to dissect in therapy.
Thanks for your reply.
Stellabystarlight
Posted by lemonaide on August 25, 2008, at 17:28:58
In reply to Spitting pizza on him with mushroom in your teeth! » lemonaide, posted by stellabystarlight on August 25, 2008, at 12:45:48
LOL Stella,
Well with my T, he is 67, so I don't want any fantasies there! lol Plus I just saw him at the gym, like my first T, and he isn't fantasy material. lol
You sound like such a fun person to hang around with, at least you have a good sense of humor!
Posted by FindingMyDesire on August 26, 2008, at 22:41:08
In reply to Sharing food with your therapist..., posted by stellabystarlight on August 23, 2008, at 12:38:33
For whatever reason I find it really hard to eat in front of others. I do it - and most people don't know it's hard for me. But T before my current one knew it and would often offer me things - some of her salad, bread, tea - whatever. I always refused. She would almost tease me about it - in a sweet way. She was really trying to get me to try it and see that nothing bad would happen I guess. I had so much anxiety in there that I felt it would be impossible. I remember one time in particular when she offered me orange juice and I just burst into tears. Pretty embarrassing.
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