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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by meme3842 on July 2, 2008, at 15:31:59
when a therapist says that they care or that they are thinking about you, do they actually mean it? I know it can differ from therapist to therapist, but I can't really tell.
I've been struggling with this issue of getting over my old therapist, and we've emailed a couple times to sort it out. At the end she said that she was thinking about me as I try to deal with this issue. And all I could think of, "really, are you really thinking of me or you just saying that?"
I guess my broader question is: how do we know that our therapist care or if they are just going through the motions?
Posted by backseatdriver on July 2, 2008, at 15:55:23
In reply to when a therapist says..., posted by meme3842 on July 2, 2008, at 15:31:59
I have this problem, too. Here's what I have learned: That when I feel like my therapist really cares about me, then no matter what, it is true. He does care. If I feel cared for, then the caring is there. It's objective. It's real.
I come from a family that totally discounted my perceptions of myself, others, and the world. I never learned how to use my feelings as reliable sources of information about myself and others -- which is what feelings are for. Or so my therapist says.
Posted by lucie lu on July 2, 2008, at 16:52:14
In reply to when a therapist says..., posted by meme3842 on July 2, 2008, at 15:31:59
Meme - I too struggle with such questions. Except mine is the other way around - my T will rarely, and I do mean rarely, say those words aloud (I'm going to start a thread soon about THAT because it is bugging me). Yet he fully expects me to know how much he cares about me. It's an ongoing issue for us and remains very much a work in progress. It's not that he's cold, he's very warm and caring, I just have some rather large blind spots in that area.
Otherwise I agree with BSD - if you can feel their caring, then they probably mean it.I think about the people I know on this board and I really don't think there is *one single person* who would be taken in for a minute by those words from a cold, uninvolved, uncaring T. Right?? Our problems tend to lie in the opposite direction - being able to recognize and accept caring when it is offered by T's who do care for us.
Assuming we are talking about our own caring T's, I think ultimately the issue is not about them, it is about us and what we are able to accept from other people.
Let me know when you find your answer ;)
Lucie
Posted by lucie lu on July 2, 2008, at 16:53:59
In reply to Re: when a therapist says..., posted by backseatdriver on July 2, 2008, at 15:55:23
BSD- same family, same problem. How did you finally get a handle on that?Lucie
Posted by Dinah on July 2, 2008, at 17:25:30
In reply to when a therapist says..., posted by meme3842 on July 2, 2008, at 15:31:59
For me it was always a question of what precisely they meant by that. My therapist does care. He cares about all of his clients, or at least the ones he works any period of time with. And for all his clients, he wants the best for them and wants to help them. He is, for the most part, a person who is warm and caring.
I didn't want to be cared about in that generic sense. Or at least it wasn't enough.
I talk about it on this thread.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060121/msgs/604227.html
I do believe now that my therapist cares about me in the way I need him to, at least as much as can be expected. He phrases it in terms of depth of caring. That because we've been working hard for so long, that there is now a depth of caring.
Posted by Poet on July 2, 2008, at 18:55:20
In reply to when a therapist says..., posted by meme3842 on July 2, 2008, at 15:31:59
Hi meme,
My therapist would say she cared about me and I would answer with I am not worthy of being cared about. I know she cares, I can see it in her face when she says she does and that she's been there for me many times when I am falling apart. Also years ago when I quit and then went back she said she was so happy to see me and I could tell it was genuine. She looked like she wanted to hug me, but hugging is one of my strongest boundaries.
I believe her if she says she's been thinking of me.
Poet
Posted by raisinb on July 2, 2008, at 19:12:19
In reply to when a therapist says..., posted by meme3842 on July 2, 2008, at 15:31:59
Hi meme--
Well, at least your therapist says it! :)
There have been many times I've needed to hear something (including, "I care about you") and my therapist wouldn't say it. (As far as I can tell, she does this because she wants to analyze why it is so important to hear her say those exact words, because that's where she pushes me every time we end up on this topic).
This is *infuriating* when I need to be reassured. But I admit my belief that I'm not "care-able" (a word she coined) does need to be analyzed. So maybe that is what is going on with you, too--that you can't believe you are worthy of being cared about?
She does say she was thinking about me outside of sessions frequently, and I believe her. I don't think she has a reason to lie about that. So I guess I'd ask you, do you think your therapist has a reason to give you empty words? If so, what would that reason be?
Posted by Happyflower on July 2, 2008, at 19:47:45
In reply to when a therapist says..., posted by meme3842 on July 2, 2008, at 15:31:59
I believe most T's care. Some more than others, it depends on the individual relationship.
Posted by meme3842 on July 2, 2008, at 19:57:46
In reply to Re: when a therapist says... » meme3842, posted by raisinb on July 2, 2008, at 19:12:19
Thanks everyone. It makes sense that if they say it, then they probably mean it. Raisin, that's an excellent question as to whether she has a reason to give empty words. My feeling is that she doesn't, so maybe she cares after all. And if she has a reason to give empty words, then that's just mean.
Sometimes I think I am not worthy of being cared about, but other times, I just want the reasurrance. And sometimes when I asked her, she would want to analyze it as well, for some reason or another.
Posted by Daisym on July 2, 2008, at 21:25:05
In reply to Re: when a therapist says..., posted by meme3842 on July 2, 2008, at 19:57:46
I think someone said here once that you pay for your therapist's time, knowledge, skill and attention but you can't buy the caring. So if they offer it and you feel it, it is genuine.
Since we end up caring so deeply for them, why must we insist that they can't care for us too?
Posted by backseatdriver on July 3, 2008, at 13:41:49
In reply to Re: when a therapist says... » backseatdriver, posted by lucie lu on July 2, 2008, at 16:53:59
Hi Lucie,
A few things happened that pushed me in this direction. I don't mean to hijack the post though so I am reposting down below.
Yours,
the BSD
This is the end of the thread.
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