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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on May 8, 2008, at 16:20:03
I somehow feel different, I have had a lot of time to think about this relationship and I just keep coming to the same conclusion. It is okay to care about my T because he won't hurt me like the last one did. So I think it is safe to proceed forward, going deeper, telling the worst of the worst, stuff I haven't told anyone ever.
I just came home today from a small vacation. My family and I went to Shades State Park and we hiked on some very rugged trails. We climbed rocks, fallen tress through a creek bed that cut through some caverns. It took us 2 1/2 hours to go on this 1 mile trail! lol It was tough, but I loved it, the nature. I saw 2 American Bald Eagles! They are so graceful and beautiful.
We stayed in a cabin that had a creek running to a pond where my kids played for hours, building dams with sticks and rocks, they climbed trees, and they caught some tadpoles to bring home. IT was so nice to hear my kids laughing and having a great time. I miss my kids, my depression hasn't made me the best mother lately, so I feel like I redeemed myself somewhat this week. My husband and I actually got along too.
Then one day we went canoing down Sugar Creek. It was my kid's first time and they had a ball. We pulled over and on gravel beds and found Indian beads, beach glass, and shells. My DH taught my kids who to play horseshoes. We had a lot of good old fashion fun. YOu know what my kids said? They said they had a better time on this trip then they did going to Disney World with all the perks!
I really like who my kids are becoming, I am so proud of them. I had some good one on one time with each one, and I feel like I re bonded with my kids especially since they are now older.
We played games at night and cooked smores over a fire pit. It was incredible. But what is great is that I think I am feeling better, not so depressed. I heard myself laughing and my kids caught me smiling, and I know because they smiled back at me too. ;-)
And yet what I keep thinking... was that I never had this experience when I was a kid, ever, so it means a lot to me to do this for my kids. I think it will be a very big topic in therapy because I just didn't suffer abuse, I also didn't have the good stuff either. But yet, I am thinking I have to learn to do this stuff for myself because I will never have that parental love. I need to learn to love myself, because if I don't then who will?
Posted by muffled on May 8, 2008, at 22:43:39
In reply to back from vacation... realizations abaout therapy, posted by Happyflower on May 8, 2008, at 16:20:03
Whoah....amazing post HF.
I am so sad for that kid you were. It was all so wrong. But how wonderful that you can be having these great times with your kids!!!!!AND discovering this stuff for yourownself too!!! You sure deserve these good times. You have been working REALLY hard thru all this.
I really enjoyed reading that post.
Your kids are sure lucky too have you for a Mom.
M
Posted by Happyflower on May 8, 2008, at 23:28:38
In reply to Re: back from vacation... realizations abaout therapy » Happyflower, posted by muffled on May 8, 2008, at 22:43:39
awww thanks muffy,
you are such a sweetie! But yeah, I kinda see why I am messed up. But having kids, gives you an excuse to play in the mud if you want! ;-) I am very lucky I am a natural mother because I sure wasn't shown a good example in my life.
This trip even reminded me why I feel in love with my DH, he does have some good qualities and he is a good father to my kids. I just wish he was a better husband though. But sometimes you just have to accept the good stuff you do have. Thanks for responding Muff
Posted by seldomseen on May 9, 2008, at 6:10:21
In reply to back from vacation... realizations abaout therapy, posted by Happyflower on May 8, 2008, at 16:20:03
That sounds like a wonderful trip HF! I am jealous! It sounds like the shot in the arm that you needed.
I think you are right about your T. Just because the first one was a louse, doesn't mean this one is going to be.
In fact, your experience with your first T may end up helping you as you progress this your T now. It seems as though it certainly helped crystalize what you want out of therapy and what you need to do to recover.
I've always heard "that when the student is ready, the master will appear".
I'm going through some grief myself, and I promise to be here as you progress through yours.
Love
Seldom
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 9, 2008, at 7:21:36
In reply to Re: back from vacation... realizations abaout therapy » Happyflower, posted by muffled on May 8, 2008, at 22:43:39
Hey, sweetie: I understand. What I did was become the parent I always wanted to have, and in doing so, I loved and cared for myself (as well as my children); i became my OWN parent.
So glad you had such a wonderful time!
Hugs, Sassy/Ally-gurl
Posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2008, at 9:03:17
In reply to Re: back from vacation... realizations abaout therapy » Happyflower, posted by seldomseen on May 9, 2008, at 6:10:21
Hi Seldom,
I was wondering about you and your stuff. Is seeing your T more often helping?
The trip was incredible, we are going to try to go back this fall.(after we get in better shape!) There is so much beauty so close by, why go to another country? The spring flowers were so pretty mixed in with all the ferns. I will show some pictures later when my daughter uploads them.
Posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2008, at 9:07:57
In reply to Re: back from vacation... realizations abaout ther, posted by sassyfrancesca on May 9, 2008, at 7:21:36
Hi Sassy,
So how do you parent yourself? I know how to take care of my kids, but myself, I am not always sure.
Posted by seldomseen on May 9, 2008, at 9:16:47
In reply to Re: back from vacation... realizations abaout ther » seldomseen, posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2008, at 9:03:17
HF, you wouldn't believe how seeing him more has helped. He even said seeing me more right now was a good idea. I'm actually enjoying my time with him. We are talking about heavy stuff no doubt, but it's good.
I indicated this week that the stuff I was talking about felt like poison and that I didn't want to cause him a moment's grief over my crappy life. I worry about him sometimes.
He looked at me and said. "it's not poison, it's your life. Seldom, you can not expect me not to grieve for you and with you. I will. But i'm not afraid of how it makes me feel and I will go through this with you."
HF, i've been living two very distinct lives. One, the consummate professional competent woman, the other as horribly abused child. These two lives have met before, but have never spent any quality time together.
They are integrating now. It feels like two lakes coming together. At first there was a lot of violence and energy with the waters meeting. Now it feels more like a gradual flowing together and settling out. It's overwhelmingly sad.
But i'm making it - thanks for asking.
Seldom.
Posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2008, at 9:24:17
In reply to Re: back from vacation... realizations abaout ther » Happyflower, posted by seldomseen on May 9, 2008, at 9:16:47
Seldom,
I am glad therapy is working for you. Your T sounds wonderful and I am do glad that seeing him more is helping. But good for you for knowing and asking for what you need.
I worry too about my story affecting my T, I think it just show how much we care about them. I am trying to get there myself.
I also know about the 2 lives, but they are both a part of us and hopefully the adult part can help the suffering part. I don't know how to do this. It was a major moment in therapy when I realized I don't know how to soothe the child within me. I am glad we are here for each other, it makes it so much easier. ((((Seldom))))
This is the end of the thread.
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