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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Kath on March 30, 2008, at 20:53:32
Hi frida,
I've 'copied & pasted' your reply to me & am starting a new 'thread' separate from Daisym's 'homework' one.
My reply is after *******marks below
Posted by frida on March 30, 2008, at 19:35:15
In reply to Re: Homework » frida, posted by Kath on March 30, 2008, at 18:28:15
>Hi Kath,
thank you so so much for your post. It meant a lot to me, it even brought tears to my eyes.
Don't mean to hijack Daisy's post..hope it is ok to answer here.Thank you for taking the time to write this to me.
Thank you for validating my feelings. Fortunately I've managed to put distance and I don't live with her. We do meet, my grandmother lives with her so I see her, and the relationship we have is very difficult. Sometimes it hurts a lot, and then it seems part of me still seeks some contact and I try to keep things superficial...i find myself falling into that "denial game" and it makes my work in T very hard. My T struggles a lot to help me talk...it's hard for me to feel it is ok to talk.
My grandmother is sick so I see my mother frequently, and she makes these comments or says something about therapy...as if i shouldn't be talking.
It's incredible how much power she still has over me.hearing her say 'what you and your dad did' was really hard for me.
i still can't talk openly about all these things with my T, they bring me shame, i do feel the need, i just find it incredibly hard to start talking...though i feel totally supported and cared for by my T.
i really find it hard to respond when my mother does these things. when I go there and see pictures of me and my dad i feel sick, and when she starts talking about him and telling anecdotes i feel that's such a hurtful thing to do..
i guess the little girl in me still years for a mother to come and hold her and say she's sorry and let her cry...but it won't happen...
i tried to explain to my mother in an email, that i need to be in T, that the stuff that happened had consequences in me, that i can't have a healthy relationship with my partner,and so on, hoping she would support me now, but she still believes this is the worst thing that happened to her.what my T said, that it was not possible for a mother not to know, she said so in relation to my mother and our situation, not every mother. She said that given all the signals and the situations my mother did see, (my dad threatening me or hitting me in front of her, etc)and what i wrote and said when i was a teenager, it seemed my mother just didn't want to see what was going on.
What you described, about a mom not knowing, and her reaction afterwards...seems totally different. If my mother had held me and let me cry and said she was sorry and supported me in my decision to heal and my need to be in T, things would have been so different for me. If she said "what can i do to help you now?", it would be totally different from "it's better to leave some things in the past, and this was devastating for me so please stop talking, just leave it there".
thank you for validating my feelings and caring enough to write.
I've realized that I do need to talk with my T about all this. It affects me deeply and it also makes me stay silent and scared and feeling like a little girl who still feels dirty or bad.
Thank you for writing to me.
Love,
Frida****************Dear Frida, I am really glad you don't live with your mother. It must be really hard for you with the situation with your grandmother, etc.
It must be really hard while you're visiting. I think I'd find it hard to know 'how to be'.I'm sorry about how painful it must be.
You know, as far as your mother telling you to just leave it....I am so proud of you that you continue to go to your T.
I am proud of you speaking out in whatever way you are able to.I am also proud of you for speaking to Daisym in support, while you're in so much pain yourself.
I saw such compassion...it was lovely.
I send you warm hugs. Wish it could be in person & you could pretend I was your mom.
Once I had a counsellor 'be' my Mom. My Mom had died of cancer when I was in my early 20's & there were so many things I still needed to say. (I was in my mid 40's). So my counsellor 'was' my Mom. She even let my hug her & she held me. It was wonderfully healing. It was as if she 'was' my Mom.
I send you those kind of loving hugs, Kath
Posted by Phillipa on March 30, 2008, at 21:32:24
In reply to Frida - you're in my thoughts, posted by Kath on March 30, 2008, at 20:53:32
Kath what a wonderful idea. And a great therapist you had. Love Phillipa
Posted by frida on April 2, 2008, at 13:21:56
In reply to Frida - you're in my thoughts, posted by Kath on March 30, 2008, at 20:53:32
Hi Kath,
thank you so much for your post.it brought tears to my eyes...
had a hard T session yesterday because i can't get myself to truly talk to her, i tell bits and say things to her but i can't answer or tell her in more depth...she says that it isn't right or wrong, that i just find it hard...but it makes me feel frustrated because i keep hard things inside and i feel urgency to share or at least share tears but i can't do that either.thank you for your lovely post , and for seeing something good in me :-)
that seems such a healing experience, that you had a counsellor "be" your mom somehow. My T yesterday rubbed my arm and it made me want to cry.
i ache for those kinds of hugs
thank you for reaching out to me,
love,
Frida
Posted by Kath on April 2, 2008, at 20:19:56
In reply to Re: Frida - you're in my thoughts » Kath, posted by frida on April 2, 2008, at 13:21:56
Dear Frida,
Do you find you can type about stuff? I'm wondering if you could type some stuff & have a copy yourself & take it to your T & let her read it while you read your copy?
You know, even if you tell her just 'bits', that is SOMETHING! Little bit by little bit. Please be gentle with yourself. I know you feel badly because you can't tell her or answer as much as part of you would like to be able to.
I have an idea Frida. I may be WAY off base, but I wonder about this. It seems to me that when your mother is telling you NOT to talk about it any more, that a 'younger' part of you is hearing that in a way that young children DO hear their parents. The parents are bigger. They're the BOSSES. I strongly suspect that your inner child (of some age; who knows which age) has been, to a large extent, successfully silenced by your mother.
I've done a LOT of inner child work - a lot of it by myself. There are various ways to do it. I strongly suspect that you can make your child feel safe & give her permission to let the adult 'you' speak.
you said:
>...but it makes me feel frustrated because i keep hard things inside and i feel urgency to share or at least share tears but i can't do that either.I believe that is the 'adult' you, who WANTS to speak out - wants to BIGTIME; wants to heal! I think your inner child does NOT feel safe to 'tell'. I mean sh*t - your mother found out & all hell broke loose!!!!! But you are an adult now. The adult you can let the little girl you know that the LG is safe, & that the adult you is going to talk about things & it is OKAY; the LG will be VERY VERY safe & that if the LG is worrying about the mother, the mother will NOT be knowing of this!
LG also does not seem to know that it is perfectly OKAY to cry. (((((((((you & LG)))))))))If this seems to resonate at all for you, and/or if it's something you're interested in 'looking at' I would be glad to give you a couple of different ways you might go further with it. (Keep in mind, you can just 'hear' what I say. You can say NO! You CAN say NO to me!!! lol In fact, I wouldn't even ask if you did what I mentioned! And I wouldn't need you to tell me. I don't want to be pushy. If you (or anyone else) is interested in hearing what's worked for me, please ask! I have mentioned things in other posts, but can't remember which ones.
> thank you for your lovely post , and for seeing something good in me :-)***I certainly do see good in you! And I see someone who is struggling to heal. I would love to see you freed to do it.
> that seems such a healing experience, that you had a counsellor "be" your mom somehow. My T yesterday rubbed my arm and it made me want to cry.
*****yes, it WAS very healing. I am so glad your T rubbed your arm & one day maybe you'll know (on all levels) that it is perfectly okay to cry!
> i ache for those kinds of hugs
>
> thank you for reaching out to me,Dear Frida - I wish I lived close enough to give you massive numbers of hugs!!!!! I'm so sorry for all the pain you've suffered & continue to suffer.
I'm here for you.
luv, Kath
PS - sometimes it's a few days before I check the different boards, so if I don't answer right away don't worry. :-)
Posted by frida on April 7, 2008, at 8:46:00
In reply to Re: Frida - you're in my thoughts, posted by Kath on April 2, 2008, at 20:19:56
Dear Kath,
Thank you so much for writing and sharing with me. I'm moved by your willingness to share and reach out to me, when you don't know me ... It surprises me and i feel moved by that. Thank you.
Thanks for saying it's ok to tell my T just "bits". She says that whatever i say is ok and that we should accept it's the best i can do right now...that i've learnt not to tell for most of my life...and i'm just not used to talking about my life, feelings..I get really frustrated because i can't even cry with her and then i burst into tears when i leave. I can write a little and i have given my T letters...she wants me to learn to have a dialogue with her, I am trying...i guess it takes a long time, i do trust my T. i see her tomorrow, i will probably write something and try to share it with her.
It makes sense that my inner child does not feel safe to tell or to cry or express feelings.
i'd love to hear what you can share about the work you've done... :-)Thank you for offering that, and for reaching out to me. I really value it and welcome anything you might like to share with me.
safe hugs,
Frida
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