Posted by Kath on March 30, 2008, at 20:53:32
Hi frida,
I've 'copied & pasted' your reply to me & am starting a new 'thread' separate from Daisym's 'homework' one.
My reply is after *******marks below
Posted by frida on March 30, 2008, at 19:35:15
In reply to Re: Homework » frida, posted by Kath on March 30, 2008, at 18:28:15
>Hi Kath,
thank you so so much for your post. It meant a lot to me, it even brought tears to my eyes.
Don't mean to hijack Daisy's post..hope it is ok to answer here.Thank you for taking the time to write this to me.
Thank you for validating my feelings. Fortunately I've managed to put distance and I don't live with her. We do meet, my grandmother lives with her so I see her, and the relationship we have is very difficult. Sometimes it hurts a lot, and then it seems part of me still seeks some contact and I try to keep things superficial...i find myself falling into that "denial game" and it makes my work in T very hard. My T struggles a lot to help me talk...it's hard for me to feel it is ok to talk.
My grandmother is sick so I see my mother frequently, and she makes these comments or says something about therapy...as if i shouldn't be talking.
It's incredible how much power she still has over me.hearing her say 'what you and your dad did' was really hard for me.
i still can't talk openly about all these things with my T, they bring me shame, i do feel the need, i just find it incredibly hard to start talking...though i feel totally supported and cared for by my T.
i really find it hard to respond when my mother does these things. when I go there and see pictures of me and my dad i feel sick, and when she starts talking about him and telling anecdotes i feel that's such a hurtful thing to do..
i guess the little girl in me still years for a mother to come and hold her and say she's sorry and let her cry...but it won't happen...
i tried to explain to my mother in an email, that i need to be in T, that the stuff that happened had consequences in me, that i can't have a healthy relationship with my partner,and so on, hoping she would support me now, but she still believes this is the worst thing that happened to her.what my T said, that it was not possible for a mother not to know, she said so in relation to my mother and our situation, not every mother. She said that given all the signals and the situations my mother did see, (my dad threatening me or hitting me in front of her, etc)and what i wrote and said when i was a teenager, it seemed my mother just didn't want to see what was going on.
What you described, about a mom not knowing, and her reaction afterwards...seems totally different. If my mother had held me and let me cry and said she was sorry and supported me in my decision to heal and my need to be in T, things would have been so different for me. If she said "what can i do to help you now?", it would be totally different from "it's better to leave some things in the past, and this was devastating for me so please stop talking, just leave it there".
thank you for validating my feelings and caring enough to write.
I've realized that I do need to talk with my T about all this. It affects me deeply and it also makes me stay silent and scared and feeling like a little girl who still feels dirty or bad.
Thank you for writing to me.
Love,
Frida****************Dear Frida, I am really glad you don't live with your mother. It must be really hard for you with the situation with your grandmother, etc.
It must be really hard while you're visiting. I think I'd find it hard to know 'how to be'.I'm sorry about how painful it must be.
You know, as far as your mother telling you to just leave it....I am so proud of you that you continue to go to your T.
I am proud of you speaking out in whatever way you are able to.I am also proud of you for speaking to Daisym in support, while you're in so much pain yourself.
I saw such compassion...it was lovely.
I send you warm hugs. Wish it could be in person & you could pretend I was your mom.
Once I had a counsellor 'be' my Mom. My Mom had died of cancer when I was in my early 20's & there were so many things I still needed to say. (I was in my mid 40's). So my counsellor 'was' my Mom. She even let my hug her & she held me. It was wonderfully healing. It was as if she 'was' my Mom.
I send you those kind of loving hugs, Kath
poster:Kath
thread:820789
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080321/msgs/820789.html