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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by seldomseen on March 22, 2008, at 7:46:58
Here's the story.
Several weeks ago my therapist's father died. He didn't tell me that, he just called, left a messeage, and cancelled our appointment and said that he would have to be out of the office. Rather than trying to reschedule, he said he would see me several weeks later.
This seemed like a long time to me and I will admit, it was odd for him not to offer an appointment sooner. Especially since I didn't know the reason he was cancelling.
HOwever, I read about the death in the paper. His father was a rather prominent figure and it was hard to miss. Also, they have the same name.
I think understand about the scheduling. I had been hashing out a lot of father issues in therapy. I suspect he wanted a little time away from me and my father issues.
So...
Question 1 - Do I offer my condolences to my T?
Question 2 - Should I stay away from my father issues for a while in therapy?
Question 3 - Should I mention that I saw it in the paper? I mean it is pretty unrealistic for me NOT to hear about the death?
Any ideas, advice? I'm really at a loss about this.
Seldom.
Posted by sunnydays on March 22, 2008, at 8:37:24
In reply to Dilemmas about therapy on Monday, posted by seldomseen on March 22, 2008, at 7:46:58
1 - Yes, offer your condolences and say you heard about it in the paper. I'm sure he will appreciate your thoughts and well wishes.
2- Don't hold back in therapy. Your T is trained to know when he can handle being at work and when he can't, and that's why he took so long off. My T said the only time he couldn't see patients was when his mother died. But it's their job to deal with their issues, and to help us with ANY and ALL of ours that we bring into the room. But, if it worries you you could always ask...
sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on March 22, 2008, at 9:07:36
In reply to Dilemmas about therapy on Monday, posted by seldomseen on March 22, 2008, at 7:46:58
I agree with Sunny about mentioning that you saw it in the paper, and offering condolences.
I doubt that he made any decisions about you personally in scheduling, or thought that clearly. My therapist took off a few weeks when his mother died. I think it had more to do with getting himself in good order than it did with anyone's issues.
For myself, while I know that he is trained to put aside his own stuff, I'm pretty sure I'd have trouble mentioning father issues for at least the first session or two back. Although, at this point in therapy I think I'd be most likely to mention my dilemma. That you realize you've been talking about father issues lately, but you feel like it might not be sensitive to do so right now. Then he can answer as he likes. Perhaps it might be that this is why he didn't tell anyone why he couldn't reschedule. Because he didn't want anyone to feel they needed to take care of him by being careful about topics. Or maybe he'll mention that it might be difficult for him, but that he will be able to handle it and that if he didn't feel ready to take on clients' issues he wouldn't have come back. (My therapist tends to be transparent enough that he'd most likely say the latter.) Or whatever might reflect his situation.
Posted by Phillipa on March 22, 2008, at 12:56:36
In reply to Re: Dilemmas about therapy on Monday » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on March 22, 2008, at 9:07:36
Maybe a condolence card would be nice. Also he may know he'd be distracted and mourning so couldn't concentrate and wanted to be fair to you. Phillipa
Posted by LadyBug on March 22, 2008, at 14:33:40
In reply to Dilemmas about therapy on Monday, posted by seldomseen on March 22, 2008, at 7:46:58
I've been in this situation with my T with both of her parents, I read their obituaries in the news paper both times. I made a special card for her 2 years ago when her mother passed away. She really appreciated it and told me that some of the people she thought would acknowledge her mother passing didn't do anything so it felt good to her when I did. It's a real life issue.
I do think you should acknowledge it by a card or what ever you feel comfortable with. It will bring you closer to him.
LadyBug
Posted by Maxime on March 23, 2008, at 12:24:45
In reply to Dilemmas about therapy on Monday, posted by seldomseen on March 22, 2008, at 7:46:58
I agree with all the responses. Just wanted to add that I don't think you need to stay away from "father issues". But if you want, you can ask him if it is a problem, or talk about how you feel it is a problem.
Good luck.
Maxime
Posted by seldomseen on March 23, 2008, at 13:39:55
In reply to Dilemmas about therapy on Monday, posted by seldomseen on March 22, 2008, at 7:46:58
Thanks to all that responded. It's been a real quandry for me, and I appreciate your input.
I just have the feeling that if he wanted to me to know about his father, he would have told me. He may yet, I don't know.
However, I did buy a card that I may give to him on my way out of the session tomorrow, just to express my condolences.
I've decided that my father issues can wait. I've carried them for years, a few more weeks won't matter.
I think what is at the heart of the issue here is that, after all these years, I think I owe him a few sessions in deference to his father's death.
Yes, he is my doctor, yes he has been trained for this, but he is a human being and outside of the doctor/patient relationship, I care about him. Life does intrude on therapy sometimes.
Good lord knows I have enough to talk about.
Seldom
Posted by rskontos on March 23, 2008, at 18:31:53
In reply to So I think I have a plan.... sort of., posted by seldomseen on March 23, 2008, at 13:39:55
Seldom, I would agree with everyone else and your plan, but I would also keep it open. Go with your instincts too. If on that day, he seems open do what your heart and instincts tell you. If he seems withdrawn, you might wait a little while. That is the way I would do it. I always have a internal gauge for how the way people feel inside my head. It is left over from growing up with an unpredictable and violatle mother. It was necessary for survival. Somehow, I think you will know the right thing to do.
rsk
Posted by Phillipa on March 23, 2008, at 20:04:34
In reply to So I think I have a plan.... sort of., posted by seldomseen on March 23, 2008, at 13:39:55
Seldom how generous and compassionate. Phillipa
Posted by seldomseen on March 24, 2008, at 6:42:49
In reply to Re: So I think I have a plan.... sort of. » seldomseen, posted by rskontos on March 23, 2008, at 18:31:53
I'm intuitive that way as well. We'll see how today goes.
At heart I just feel really sad for him.
Seldom.
Posted by seldomseen on March 24, 2008, at 19:28:52
In reply to Re: So I think I have a plan.... sort of. » rskontos, posted by seldomseen on March 24, 2008, at 6:42:49
We talked about my riding
We talked about this breakup I just can't seem to get over.
We talked about klonopin withdrawal and how I didn't have any.
Then we talked about us for awhile and my dreams and in treatment.
We reminisced.He's always kept that room safe for me.
Today I felt it was safe for both of us.I gave him the card on the way out.
Ah Therapy....
Seldom.
Posted by Phillipa on March 24, 2008, at 19:37:43
In reply to My session today was great., posted by seldomseen on March 24, 2008, at 19:28:52
Seldom that's great. I guess I missed it will read back so you also don't get benzo withdrawal? Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on March 24, 2008, at 21:19:42
In reply to My session today was great., posted by seldomseen on March 24, 2008, at 19:28:52
Posted by rskontos on March 25, 2008, at 12:47:39
In reply to My session today was great., posted by seldomseen on March 24, 2008, at 18:28:52
Ah Seldom,
I knew you would do the right thing for you both :)
and I am glad you gave him the card.
rsk
Posted by seldomseen on March 26, 2008, at 8:05:42
In reply to Re: My session today was great. » seldomseen, posted by rskontos on March 25, 2008, at 13:47:39
There is a lot of merit I think in the therapist witholding personal information such as this.
It really does put a burden of responsiblity for the therapist on the patient. Therapy is supposed to be about us and our problems, not the therapist's problems.
When I first started therapy, if this had happened, it would have been very difficult for me to negotiate.
My T and I have been working together for a long time however. WHile I think I will never, ever fully get past the "me" phase (and I shouldn't have to), I do feel now his very human presence in the room. It's something that we will have to talk about in the future I'm sure.
There is a person sitting across from me in that room. It's a very very odd feeling.
Seldom.
Posted by rskontos on March 26, 2008, at 9:11:06
In reply to Re: My session today was great. » rskontos, posted by seldomseen on March 26, 2008, at 8:05:42
Yes, I can understand that, but you are right there should not be another person sitting across but after such a long time how can there not be. Right. I mean I would think after a time, how can your therapist not become someone you know in some sense. Probably not like you know others in your life. But you have some semblence of knowledge. And then his RL intrudes ie the paper when you learned of his father. It is hard not to acknowledge this happening in his life. The burden of therapist on the patient is only if you take it on though right?.
I try to maintain a hard stance on taking in any knowledge of my therapist. One day, I overhead my pdoc speaking to his doc. His previous patient did not close the door enough so that when Dr. S called his doc in between our appt. to ask for a prescription for what I tried hard to forget, and I have for the most part. I don't want to speculate on the knowledge for what might be going on his life. I just can't take on his issues, I still have too much to be accountable in my own. So I strive very hard to not let any of my therapist be inside our room, just me being messed up me. On the Sophie part of In Treatment Paul said something to Sophie about when an adult goes to therapy about them being able to just be themselves in the safety of the office. And then in the part of Jake/Amy, sorry I have watched ahead, there is another reference, I won't give it away. It made me realize how important it is to keep the safeness of the space.
I really understand how hard it is to get a glimpse of the person sitting across and how you might start to want to feel like you need to be wary of them. Or at least their feelings.
That is ultimately why I changed therapists. I had things I would have never discussed with my first therapist. She was always in the room. Her person, or at least the person I perceived her to be and that prevented me from going into certain things.
Let me know how it goes if you ever do talk about that person sitting across. It would be helpful to see how you resolve it if you are comfortable with sharing.
rsk
Posted by seldomseen on March 26, 2008, at 19:00:05
In reply to Re: My session today was great. » seldomseen, posted by rskontos on March 26, 2008, at 9:11:06
I'm not upset to see him as a human being (it's something that I suspected all along).
In fact the feeling I have is quite positive - that another human being would treat me with such respect and kindness.
That's the odd feeling. I guess.
However, like I said, if this had happened earlier in therapy it would have been much much harder. I think it is a natural progression though.
Therapy is still all about me, but there is a little bit more of a sense of "us" now.
Seldom.
Posted by rskontos on March 27, 2008, at 15:01:16
In reply to Re: My session today was great. » rskontos, posted by seldomseen on March 26, 2008, at 19:00:05
That is really nice Seldom, and shows how much progress you have made!!! I can see how it would feel odd. But, odd in a good way, right?
I look forward to the day. rsk
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2008, at 20:35:13
In reply to Re: My session today was great. » rskontos, posted by seldomseen on March 26, 2008, at 19:00:05
> Therapy is still all about me, but there is a little bit more of a sense of "us" now.
>
> Seldom.I'm definitely getting the same sense from my therapist. Maybe it's a stage in therapy. Not that I think my therapist is following a schedule or anything, but maybe it's a natural progression?
Therapy has changed so very much the last few months. I didn't even think that was possible, but my sense of boredom and impatience is gone because it does feel like we're working in a whole new way with a slightly altered set of issues.
This is the end of the thread.
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