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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2008, at 17:43:01
Will it ever end? Does it ever end? Does the hurt ever go away? Does it ever stop finding a way into our souls as we even breathe, aching for clean air, only to find that each breath is tinged with a hurt just like the very coldest air?
I hurt like the littlest girl who was left to clean up her father's mess after he left her room that very first night. My mother was away, and I ached for her, sure that she would help me and make this stop. But she wasn't there, and when she came back, I didn't have the courage to tell her because I never wanted her to leave again. All my life I've felt this way. Be a good girl, and she'll never leave you again. But she did leave me again and again, no matter how good I was. And she turned me over to him completely, more than once, never noticing a thing.
Two weeks ago, I saw my pdoc. Nothing unusual, except he said I seemed depressed. Told him I was numb, couldn't feel anything despite the wonderful things that were taking place in my life. The next day at a funeral service for an older woman who was a church friend, I sat in the balcony and marveled at the beauty of the building. The stained glass window over the altar, and the light showing through, and how it changed according to the time of day and seasons. At Christmas, it's a joyful sign of the times with all the candles lit around it. My mother-in-law taught me that this was to be a home for me, this church, and all the best, most wonderful and saddest times of my life have occurred here. I was married here, my children were baptized and I spent countless hours in the back pews while they went to school here and performed in school plays. I also wept at the funeral for my tiny nephew, my father-in-law and father. It is truly a home.
I guess I disassociated a bit when I was gazing at the windows, and when I found my way back, I was lost. I forgot where I was, what I was there for, and couldn't even read the words on the pages. The songs sounded wrong, although I'd heard them a million times before.
I started to cry for my older friend, but then I couldn't stop; the tears were for more than her. I had to excuse myself from the reception because I wasn't under control, and I went straight home and took a nap.
When I awoke, I realized that I was broken, that I had broken apart, like an egg being broken and all the contents spilling out. I had never felt so alone as I had when I was that littlest girl.
I have this coat of armor I've worn since that little girl was hurt, and I've used it--unwisely and self-destructively at times--to always protect her. But the coat is filled with holes peering through all the patches I've made.
And the little girl whom I've protected all these years? Who I have deflected the hurt from in ways that have been hurtful to me, just so she can be safe? She wants her time now. She says she's ready. She's strong enough, and I've imbued her with the strength I've built up over the years. It's like a child--you bring them up with all your love, knowing that your final job is to let them go.
So, I'm going to shed my tattered coat, and let her be born. She's like a baby--you can't stop them from coming if they want to be born. But without her coat, I worry. Just like any mother would.
I'm broken, but my life is wonderful now in so many ways, in ways I never could have dreamed of because I have never allowed myself to dream or hope before. I hope I can make it, and that I don't pull her down with me.
antigua
Posted by MissK on February 14, 2008, at 18:07:41
In reply to So Much Pain***Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2008, at 17:43:01
I know what you speak of when you say broken and the gulf of hurt and pain. As much as you can, turn to those that love you for extra support and hugs, and look for strength from those wonderful other things you have going on in your life.
I am sure you will make it, antigua.
Posted by muffled on February 14, 2008, at 18:59:30
In reply to So Much Pain***Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2008, at 17:43:01
Antigua, sorry its so hard.
Its hard. Let others help.
You growing.
It'll be good when all inside can share the load together.
Hard, but in the end good.
Glad you got good in your life.
Hang on to it.
Hurts.
I am so sorry.
I send you best strong thots of wholeness.
Strength to get thru this.
M
Posted by DAisym on February 14, 2008, at 20:38:53
In reply to So Much Pain***Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2008, at 17:43:01
Your words make me ache, Antigua. God you can write, girl!
I don't know what to tell you about that pain. It lives and breathes and consumes almost in an unrelenting way. There seems to be no regard for offsetting good things. Life is good - the pain flares up. Is it a necessary component of healing - more safety, more pain, work it through, start again? I don't know. But when a wave strikes like that, I think it does bore a hole in your armor - leaving you more vulnerable but more open to healing too.
I feel the same way about Church, btw. I recently had a conversation with God about suicide there. In it, I said, "you can't be mad at me for wanting to do this, since you didn't do your job either." The silent response was huge. But I wasn't struck down either. I actually felt some comfort in being able to be angry at God and yet still feel safe in Church.
I wonder what happens now, as you give birth to this little girl and let her stand on her own. Will she tell you more about what happened? Is the pain different?
I'm sure you won't pull her down, nor she, you. I hear there are good things and perhaps, as painful as this is, this will eventually be one of those also.
Posted by rskontos on February 14, 2008, at 20:43:53
In reply to So Much Pain***Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2008, at 17:43:01
>>So, I'm going to shed my tattered coat, and let her be born. She's like a baby--you can't stop them from coming if they want to be born. But without her coat, I worry. Just like any mother would.
**She will have the chance now you never had. To be strong in ways she needs to be, with you beside her too. So, you both can be in the light again. To know the sun on your face and warmth of the wind and to run in the breeze and to laugh at the feeling of freedom.
>>I'm broken, but my life is wonderful now in so many ways, in ways I never could have dreamed of because I have never allowed myself to dream or hope before. I hope I can make it, and that I don't pull her down with
**You are on your way to completeness though. I hear it in your tone and words. The wonderfulness of your life is slowly restoring you and the little girl piece by piece filling in that tattered coat and you will never need armor again. Dream now. Plan now. Allow yourself these things to heal that broken heart of that little girl. give voice to each of you. No more self-destruction allowed. You have support of wonderful family and friends. You have inner strength now. You have your t. You can do this. I feel it from you through the computer. You will not pull her down, you both will pull each other up to the light and guide each other the rest of way to the top. You will make it. I know.
rsk
Posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2008, at 20:57:49
In reply to So Much Pain***Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2008, at 17:43:01
You all are so very, very kind, and I mean that from the bottom of my broken heart.
You all take care of yourselves, please, because you are such wonderful, caring people.
antigua
Posted by JoniS on February 15, 2008, at 9:43:38
In reply to So Much Pain***Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2008, at 17:43:01
Antiqua
I cant even imagine what it would be like to go through what you have. Your post stirred feelings in me I can even describe, my heart breaks for you. I agree with everyone who's posted above. You can make it. You are amazing - so obvious in what you expressed in your post. I think the first thought I had at the end was "Incredible Bravery" I admire you for that.
As for deep pain, I honestly don't mean to be a negative person, but I am coming to the conclusion that it does not go away. We just become stronger and more equipped to handle it, and we grow in character and strength as we go along. I like to think the more pain endured and dealt with the stronger the character. Look how great your character is!
((((((Antiqua))))))
Joni
Posted by Phillipa on February 15, 2008, at 11:34:02
In reply to Re: So Much Pain***Trigger**, posted by JoniS on February 15, 2008, at 9:43:38
Joni I think you may be right. Love Phillipa
Posted by Poet on February 15, 2008, at 12:21:01
In reply to So Much Pain***Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2008, at 17:43:01
Hi Antigua,
Your words were very moving. I can feel the pain of that littlest girl, but I also can feel the strength of adult Antigua. You have much courage for shedding that tattered coat of armor and I hope one day to be able to shed mine.
Take care of yourself.
(((((((((((((Antigua)))))))))))))))
Poet
Posted by antigua3 on February 17, 2008, at 8:41:52
In reply to So Much Pain***Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2008, at 17:43:01
I'm the type who overanalyzes everything to death--I always want to know why something happened, and although I've learned sometimes things happen for no reason at all, things that come out as a result of therapy, usually have a trigger. It usually bugs me until I can figure it out, or if I decided that it's not something I'm destined to know at this time.
So why did I break that particular day? I've put all my therapy resources together, includng carrying what my T says to me always, and ths is what I've come up. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I had my pdoc session the night before, explaining to him how numb I felt despite the good things going on:
1. I now have the full time job of my dreams on my own terms: it's w/in walking distance of home and the environment is very flexible, given that I still have many kids things to do every day. I can work from home or in my incredibly nice new office--with a window! Things I've always wanted. I'm working with a start-up venture in an area that I am passionate about, and I'm the boss for my area. No more whacky publishers or editors--I get to play that role if i want to. I have a piece of the new venture, and the guy I'm working with is very strong in the financial aspects I'm not.
2. The venture is based on a print version of what I tried to start 11 or so years ago with two other partners. But my main (male)partner moved away and I was devastated--felt so abandoned and helpless, and hopeless--and couldn't find the financial resources to move forward. so like any good avoidance device, i had a child instead, and all my plans were put on hold. There was a lot of shame involved in not moving forward--I have a huge fear of success, but I didn't know what to do.
I had a breakdown that lasted for years, dealing with the abandonment issues. I couldn't work, and that has been a huge source of anger and disappointment on my husband's part, and he never made it easy. He threw it in my face for 10 years, that I wasn't fulfilling my potential, had failed him financially, etc., although I was usually working on some type of freelance work, but nowhere what I'd been involved in before. (Poet knows: I had identified myself too much with my stronger image as a working woman, and I just lost all confidence when that was taken away).
3. One day, my husband put me together with this guy who was looking to start a new venture. He took to the idea immediately and had the startng capital to give this a chance to go. As my partnr says, my husband gave me my dream on a silver platter, and he did, and it has changed our relationship immensely. He is involved as well, but not on an FT basis. I couldn't believe my good fortune and was well enough now to get back to work.
4. Meantime, as I like to point out to others, all that time I wasn't working, I was raising my kids and keeping up with what was going on with my interests over all these years. My kids are all doing really great right now and are in good places, so I have to remember that the time wasn't for naught.
Professionaly, I was always learning something; I just wasn't getting paid for it, ergo arguments with my husband. I tried getting full time jobs but I always found fault with them when they were offered, because in my heart I knew they took me away from my goal.
The only thing of substance that my pdoc had said the night before was that I mentioned I was going to visit my mother the next weeked (so I could spend some time with her before work got too crazy) and he said, "What do you want to tell her?" That threw me for a loop because I had no idea what he was talking about. He mentioned that I was enjoying the revenenge I felt about my husband (I own more of the company than he does) after all the years of grief he'd given me, but what about my mother; what did I want to tell her? I didn't have a clue.
The next day when I felt cracked in two, a couple of thoughts came to me--logically or illogically. The sense of feeling so utterly alone was tied to my pdoc. He takes me places in therapy and leavesme to find my way out, to clean up the mess so to speak. He values independence above all, and he will offer corrective measures if he sees that I need them, but it's all business. So feeling like I was absolutely alone was a terror for me. Iknew I couldn't call him; he wouldn't have anything to offer in the way of the healing. he's very pragmatic, but of course when I went to see him this past week he was actually esctatic over what had happened, a huge breakthrough he called it, but the pain was somewhat discarded as a necessity to go through.
My T was away when this happened, so I couldn't call her in my mind.She was out of the country w/her daughter and I wouldn't have dreamed of intruding. Still, I couldn't figure out what had really happened. The week she came back, on my way out to see her, the little thought popped into my mind that maybe her being gone had something to do with it.
Bingo. My mother was away the first time this happened to me as a young child, and here my mother therapist wasn't there to help. I was dealing with the same issue, directly, w/o the help I so wanted back then.
I feel better knowing. My T picked up on it immediately, and how my parent therapists (with her being gone) had played their original role and I still hadn't figured out to deal with the original pain. But, I did. I held myself together, and while everything has changed in my world with the break, I have to find myself a way to pull myself back together. with her help I will. She wanted me to express anger at her being gone, but I can't do that; she's too important to me. But we will work on it, because these things happen when she's gone. I thought after all these years, I was handling her being away, but I was smacked in the face with the fact of how attached I still am to her.
As to my pdoc, he is the epitome of the cruel father in many ways, but he also shows me the way out, to deal with things on my own, w/o having him to shore me up, by being independent. It's still a difficult and painful situation, but it works for right now. Dealing with some of these issues back to the original trauma is painful, but hopefully will be healing, just by knowing an understanding them. Would love more support from him; it's just that he provides it in a different way. still puzzles me, and will discuss this again with my T. Where is the border between abuse and help? It's a scary one with him, but there has been a lot of good to what he has done for me.
So, feeling stripped of my tattered coat of self-defense, and self-destructive defenses, I feel like I'm starting over. But I'm starting over from strength rather than weakness; I hope I can steer the course. I have to be careful that I don't obsess over the work, and be prepared for it not to make it. But until then, I will give it all I have, knowing that I've been so lucky to be given this opportunity. The coat isn't gone yet, and my soul hasn't really come forth yet, but I feel it happening. I so don't want to hurt her, having finally allowed her to emerge, and it's hard to trust that I do have the resources to make this hapen.
Sorry this is so long, and pls excuse the typos! I can't seem to type this morning. My mind is faster than my fingers.
thanks for listening,
antigua
Posted by rskontos on February 20, 2008, at 7:45:17
In reply to The trigger***Trigger** (really long), posted by antigua3 on February 17, 2008, at 8:41:52
Antigua, I am sorry I only now saw this. But it is beautiful. So from the heart and I am amazed how much you have come from and the place you have journeyed to. You expressed it beautifully too. I am excited for your new work and all that you did to get to this new jumping off place in your life. I see myself as well in some of your words. I too find fault with every job offered me. I know that mine, the dream job, is still awaiting me.
I have hope after reading your words.
I have hope after hearing about your struggles with the independence forged by the guidance with your pdoc and the support of your t. Please accept my thanks for sharing this about how your T has helped and tried to take you further by encouraging you to express your anger.
I have recently taken in a great deal of more information of my situation and the abuse. I thank you for helping me see how my journey might go and the necessity of that journey to get to a better place. YOu have come a long way. You sound so great. Maybe a few minor tweaks left but wow.
thanks again
rsk
Posted by antigua3 on February 20, 2008, at 19:27:57
In reply to Re: The trigger***Trigger** (really long) » antigua3, posted by rskontos on February 20, 2008, at 7:45:17
Thank you so much for your response. I felt kind of stupid after posting it, thinking that it was "Look at me!" I'm so darned needy. Hopefully that will change, and I can look inside and accept the validation from myself as the most important.
There is hope. Don't give up. You made me see that I look from the negative too much, as I see and feel the hurt rather than being proud and seeing the good that has come from the pain.
thanks again,
antigua
This is the end of the thread.
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