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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on February 14, 2008, at 14:00:07
Well a giant leap of faith was taken today by yours truly today.
I gave my t my journal to read.I just decided in the shower after another flashback to do it.
He changed my xanax from as needed to nightly since it helps me sleep through the night. I was awakening in the middle of the night and then, before going back to sleep, I would have flashbacks. I noticed one night when H was out of night, if I took it prior to going to bed I slept all through the night and no flashbacks. He said do this all the night for right now. I, of course, said I am worried about becoming addicted. He said I am not. You haven't the personality type. So, I am doing that and it is working. So, instead of having them at night I have them during the day. The shower is a favorite place.Anyway, I just decided to do it. I told him prior to handing it over my worst fear. The reason I never had before considered letting anyone read my journal. We discussed it. He said it was huge for me to let him have it--a huge leap of faith. I told him I still don't trust him; this is a test. I said I could leave tomorrow never come back--I would seal myself up and be ok. Because I can still dissociate and I can make myself feel nothing. I can do that with anyone. I still don't need you. He said I understand that. I said to need you is a whole different ball of wax. To let you into my private world of feeling of needing you in any capacity I first need to let you have this and see what happens. Then I have to decided if it will be ok. He said I understand. So we will see. I am ok with it. It will be whatever it will be. I guess a part of me is numb right now in order to do this. I feel nothing; however, a small part feels like it will be ok, but the rest says just wait and see he is like all the rest. He will do harm eventually. But I must try something to get past the wall and I decided this was maybe a way to do it. I might get burned, I might get hurt. I have though survived worst. I did this, at near the end of the session. So we did not talk about it. We talked about childhood stuff, not good stuff and other flashbacks, but I had the wall up, so it was alright. He thinks one day the wall can be destroyed but for now it must stay. (He did not say this exactly this my paraphrasing)
I would say for me this is one of the best sessions. I put myself way out there. I will see what happens.
rsk
Posted by I need a hug on February 14, 2008, at 18:50:09
In reply to HUGE Step taken in Therapy today......, posted by rskontos on February 14, 2008, at 14:00:07
RSK,
I've been on a long Babble break but it's nice to see one of my all-time favorite posters is still around. I wish you continued success in your therapy. HUGS
Posted by MissK on February 14, 2008, at 19:00:36
In reply to HUGE Step taken in Therapy today......, posted by rskontos on February 14, 2008, at 14:00:07
>I would say for me this is one of the best sessions.
Good for you, Rsk. I must say I see a big difference in the way you write and your reactions with this pdoc/therapist compared to your previous one. As an observer, it seems from one session to the next there seems to be a solidifying of your therapeutic relationship with him, and you seem to express more of handle on what you are experiencing, less turbulent somehow.
Posted by DAisym on February 14, 2008, at 20:12:13
In reply to HUGE Step taken in Therapy today......, posted by rskontos on February 14, 2008, at 14:00:07
I'm so impressed - good for you! Did he keep it to read or did he read it with you there? My therapist likes it when we read (I read out loud) things together during a session and talk about them. It was hard at first but it works well now.
Trust is something that expands and contracts. Somethings will add to your trust and others take a way a bit. I hope you can see that your therapist has a growing savings account of trust so if he blows it (and he will) it isn't the end of everything. It is a skinned knee and you have to spend some of your savings on a bandaid. All or nothing thinkings gets us all into trouble.
I think it is important to really try and figure out what you are hoping his response to your writing will be - and why. And then tell him. Because if he jumps in with a bunch of questions and you were hoping for a lot of insight - you might be hurt or disappointed. And he might be thinking he'd be presumptuous to just tell you what he thinks without clarification. I think hidden expectations are one of the ways we set ourselves up in therapy to get hurt.
All that said - you did take a HUGE step today. Good for you for opening this door.
Have you figured out why the shower is such a trigger? I think this is an important part of your post too.
Posted by rskontos on February 14, 2008, at 20:20:05
In reply to Re: HUGE Step taken in Therapy today...... » rskontos, posted by MissK on February 14, 2008, at 19:00:36
Yes MissK you are accurate. I have fought it some but overall I am feeling more stable. I am not sure exactly feeling as I wrote in my diary and my pdoc warns the worst has not arrived. He says he is laying the foundation or the groundwork for when we get into the really deep stuff. He says this is necessary before we go deep. I am finally ready to admit I need therapy to myself and to him and ready to think about needing him. Big steps all the way around. Thanks for your observations. THis may be the calm before the storm or the eye of storm but the storm is necessary in order to work through the pain I know is lurking deep within. I have been deep inside the well of my mind and seen the entrance to my pain, I just did not go further with my pdoc around to help get me.
I know this is the beginning but I feel that he is the one to take me further. It just has been a bit of struggle to get everyone to accept. Not everyone is ready but we will get there eventually.
The turbulence may return but with my pdoc's help I hope to able to handle it.
Again, thanks for the reply. :)
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 14, 2008, at 20:21:09
In reply to Re: HUGE Step taken in Therapy today...... » rskontos, posted by I need a hug on February 14, 2008, at 18:50:09
Thank you so much Hugs, you are a favorite of mine too:) rsk glad to see you back:)
Posted by rskontos on February 14, 2008, at 20:33:25
In reply to Re: HUGE Step taken in Therapy today......, posted by DAisym on February 14, 2008, at 20:12:13
DAisym, Well last session I ask why he wanted to read it so badly. He said to see how the dissociation felt was. He thought it would give him additional insight. I told him some of what I had written I have already forgotten. He said he was not surprise and that is another reason. My dissociation is so bad right now he is thinking when talk I leave things out that might help him. Plus there are things in there from my first therapist. Things i have forgotten too. My dissocitive states are changing in many different ways too. We talked about that this time and last time and he would like to see that. I guess I have no expectations. I just told him that men have always taken my private thoughts and thrown them back at me. My husband, my father and even my son and that is my fear, my biggest one in giving this to him. He said don't you see that your fear is a projecting on me that you just need to do this so you can not trust me. I said well you are man so that puts in the right category. He said I mean in the content of why you are resisting me reading it. I said yes i guess but the fact is I just can't take one more person throwing up my private words to me. I just can't. He said I will never do that. I hope he means it. So that is my expectations at this point to have my actions of giving him something valuable to me, to him, and have him keep it safe.
As far as the shower, we tried to explore that, I have them getting dressed, drying my hair, it is whenever I close my eyes or have quiet moments. Even doing yoga. The memories are trying to come pretty fast now, so the xanax is slowing them down . He and I am meeting as often as we can because he said and I agree that we do not need to much time. I can keep it together right now because I can still make myself go numb and appear to function just fine. But at some point I am not sure.
Anyway, I am glad I opened the door. If I have hidden expectations at this point they are hidden from me too.
Thanks so much for the response. How are you. I have been worried.
rsk
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