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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on February 10, 2008, at 19:48:03
I had an amazingly tough and stressful week - one of the worst I've had in a long time. It was mostly non-therapy stuff - it was life stuff, but of course the stress followed me into sessions. For some reason all this stress has made me think about how hard it was to be a preteen. Slumber parties were torture, all the questions and giggles about sex and boys - I felt exposed all the time, like everyone knew my secrets. And I didn't fit in, ever, with anyone. The more I talked about this, the more upset I felt. It is sooooo painful to remember all of that.
And it has remained painful throughout the weekend. One of the things I'm remembering is that I could actually get comfortable with someone in a private space, but if we were anywhere public, I couldn't handle it. I'm talking boyfriends as well as girls. I don't know why - seems like with my intimacy issues it would be different. But I find this is still somewhat true. I have a harder time being with someone in a public setting than I do in a private one. Makes no sense to me.
And I'm mad at my therapist. Not that he did anything. But I'm mad just the same. Because all of this hurts so much - I want him to either make it stop or move us away from it. I don't care if I need to learn something from it. He'd say I'm in the driver's seat - we talk about what I want to talk about. That doesn't help right now. Because I'm inclined to drive to the nearest bridge and park in an unsafe zone. So don't you think he should take the wheel, at least for a little while?
Is camp comfort snowed in? I think I need to go there...
Posted by rskontos on February 10, 2008, at 22:38:49
In reply to In Need of Camp Comfort, posted by Daisym on February 10, 2008, at 19:48:03
DAismy,
You have given me so much in terms of wise words during my bouts of unsure, stressful times lately, so I really wish I had some to throw right back at you. I only have the words I have taken from a movie/book that have gotten me some solace. Live in the moment. Whatever you are doing right now, right here, let that moment define you be you. It has helped me move past some hard times right now to get through some of this stuff I have been trying to get through. I need to process more stuff with Tdoc before i call him with it, so I have taken this. And I mean even it is just listening to your breath, or watching a bug crawl, or leaf fall, or the water drip. The book that the movie was based on took it further to help you get the trash out of your mind. So, in a sense, this is what your T, is having you do. Getting that trash from your teens out. So when you feel, the trash, the hurt, the pain, find in that moment something else, your breath, a scene in the nature around you, to live in for a few seconds or minutes whatever you can spare, to let it fill you , be you, define you for that moment. It can help. I think. It has me. Gives me a peace. And I can do it anywhere because there are moments whereever you go to live in without all the past stuff to hurt or remember. And the future is yet to come.
So if he isnt there to take the wheel, and he won't be because his job is to help you drive, he is the instructor, then you must find the way. And starting with a moment here and there is doing I think.
I hope this helps you just a little like you have helped me.
rsk
Posted by ClearSkies on February 11, 2008, at 6:57:33
In reply to In Need of Camp Comfort, posted by Daisym on February 10, 2008, at 19:48:03
Oh, I think the weather at the Camp is dry and clear. A private road that's well marked for Members Only.
I found a beautiful antique chocolate pot last week at an auction; I think it needs to make its debut at Camp Comfort. Any up for a cup?
CS
Posted by JoniS on February 11, 2008, at 7:15:28
In reply to In Need of Camp Comfort, posted by Daisym on February 10, 2008, at 19:48:03
Daisy
I'm sorry to hear about your difficult week/weekend. I wish I has wonderful words of wisdom and comfort, like you always do. All I can say is I'm thinking about you and sending you hugs.
(((((((((((Daisy)))))))))))
Take good care of yourself
Joni
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 11, 2008, at 8:26:32
In reply to Re: In Need of Camp Comfort » Daisym, posted by JoniS on February 11, 2008, at 7:15:28
((((daisy)))
you have helped so many folks in their struggles to understand themselves ... you have had such a tough week. I understand the wish to have someone else at the helm. that's fair enough. don't beat yourself up over it.
camp comfort has a thick blanket of snow, but the roads are plowed. there is powder skiing for anyone who wants to join me.
-Ll
Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2008, at 8:50:08
In reply to In Need of Camp Comfort, posted by Daisym on February 10, 2008, at 19:48:03
I often find, with no logical basis at all, that I find most comfort in going in to therapy and telling him that what I need in that session is to crawl inside him and feel safe.
And even less logically, I usually do end up talking about stuff and still feeling safe.
It's like saying so makes it so or something.
I don't know, but maybe it will work for you too.
Posted by Poet on February 11, 2008, at 9:03:39
In reply to In Need of Camp Comfort, posted by Daisym on February 10, 2008, at 19:48:03
Hi Daisy,
Camp Comfort is open. The water in the indoor water park is 80 degrees.
If your T won't take the wheel, maybe you can steer towards something else. Tell your T you need to focus on something else for awhile. Maybe cross your arms and legs tight like I do or some sort of body language that says end of discussion until I want to deal with it again.
(((((((((((((Daisy)))))))))))))))
Poet
Posted by Phillipa on February 11, 2008, at 11:48:43
In reply to Re: In Need of Camp Comfort » Daisym, posted by rskontos on February 10, 2008, at 22:38:49
rsk what a lovely supportive post. You do have a way with words. I sure can't top that one and wouldn't even try. Love Phillipa
Posted by Angela2 on February 11, 2008, at 13:01:33
In reply to In Need of Camp Comfort, posted by Daisym on February 10, 2008, at 19:48:03
(((((DaisyM)))))
I feel I can relate with a lot of things you said, especially the not fitting in when younger and also being mad at T for not taking the wheel for you, taking the pain away etc. You are not alone! and I'm glad you're posting here.I hope that you feel better soon.
Posted by rskontos on February 11, 2008, at 15:04:33
In reply to Re: In Need of Camp Comfort » rskontos, posted by Phillipa on February 11, 2008, at 11:48:43
Thanks phillipa, that is nice to hear when sometimes it is hard to think, now I hope it help Daisym, she has helped me so much i really wanted to give back :) rsk
Posted by annierose on February 11, 2008, at 18:10:41
In reply to In Need of Camp Comfort, posted by Daisym on February 10, 2008, at 19:48:03
Camp Comfort will always have a special place for you.
Doesn't the spiral nature of therapy get dizzy after a while?
You gave me this wonderful advice prior to my therapist vacation. You suggested that I ask my therapist to be nice to me that day. That I needed knowing I deserve to be treated gentley and with kindness prior to her departure. Although this situation is completely different, your need is similar. You want his office to be a place of comfort and nurturing. I know he can do that for you, especially if you tell him it is what you need right now.
I hope today you felt his caring. And all your friends on babble - including me - reaching out supporting you.
Love, Annie
Posted by mair on February 11, 2008, at 18:39:23
In reply to In Need of Camp Comfort, posted by Daisym on February 10, 2008, at 19:48:03
Daisy - I seemed to have lost the ability to choose not to talk about certain topics. Sometimes I'll be pretty resolved not to talk about a painful and smoldering topic, but if it's really on my mind, I find that I can't not talk about it. This is so different from the way it was for the first few years. Maybe this is what your T means by you setting the agenda.
I used to have this T/pdoc who was much more like a psychoanalyst. I remember making a comment one day which had something to do with my feelings about him. He cut me off pretty abruptly, saying "you're not anywhere near ready to talk about that." I, good patient that I was, just took that in and moved on to a different topic. We never did get back to that issue so I'm not sure that's good either.
There have been occasions when I've blundered onto a topic which is just too painful for me at that moment and I've told my T that I can't "go there." Of course she'll want to get at it some other way, but if I keep telling her that the topic is just too touchy, she'll lead me somewhere else. She does this because otherwise I just clam up and the session really deteriorates and because she's learned that whatever "it" is, comes out at some point.
I'm sorry things have been so stressful. I'd love to have you settle into my camp but you'd never find it. Right now its buried under an obscene amount of snow, with more due tomorrow.
mair
Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2008, at 19:05:31
In reply to Re: In Need of Camp Comfort » Daisym, posted by mair on February 11, 2008, at 18:39:23
When I say I don't want to talk about something, my therapist cheerfully says ok, and changes the topic.
Which of course drives me back to the topic.
It wasn't always that way, so I'm guessing it's something he does with me because he knows it drives me nuts. :)
Posted by Daisym on February 11, 2008, at 22:36:57
In reply to Re: In Need of Camp Comfort » mair, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2008, at 19:05:31
Things did not get better today - although they are clearer. I danced away from the painful topic and he let me. But everywhere I turned - "the weekend had hard moments" "What was it about those moments?" -- there we were again. He drew some dead on interpretations. He brought the past forward and noted that I still feel like an outsider and I still hide my hurt. Everyone thinks I'm tough and handling everything just fine. The reality is I really have been thinking about the bridge as my escape.
I told him that I made a list of everything I could have done when I was 12 to stop the abuse. I had impossible, magical things on the list and some other, very horrible things, like ways to not be a girl anymore. A day later I realized I'd left something off. I never put "tell mom" on the list. How sad is that?
There is so much self-hatred and self-blame. And so much frustration right now in not understanding "why." Why did this happen? Why? It just isn't acceptable to think I'll never really know the answer. Because the answer I keep coming back to right now is that somehow I'm to blame. I never did one thing on that list to make it stop. Maybe I'm alone and lonely because I deserve to be.
I'm glad Camp Comfort is open, even if there is snow. Today it was sunny and 67 here - I'm in no mood for good weather. I'd rather have it cold so I can stomp around a bit. I just want to sit and watch the birds on the snow.
Thanks for all the support, I'm sorry I'm not taking it in very well right now. But you all mean a great deal to me and I am reading all the great suggestions. Babble to the rescue - thank goodness!
Posted by Phillipa on February 11, 2008, at 23:10:32
In reply to On my Way to CC - potential trigger, posted by Daisym on February 11, 2008, at 22:36:57
Daisy you're not to blame and camp comfort is here. Love Phillipa
Posted by rskontos on February 12, 2008, at 7:01:59
In reply to On my Way to CC - potential trigger, posted by Daisym on February 11, 2008, at 22:36:57
Daisym,
In my mind, I have gone through the same thing, why why why.
However, in the minds of messed up people, and people who harm innocents of all ages, they are no clear answers. For if there were, then perhaps we could find a clear straight way to help them and forever end the path that is taken to begin abuse in the first place. My parents are the reason for my trauma and I ask myself how. As I look in to the faces of my lovely, sweet sometimes frustrating children, I know in my heart, I could never do to them the things I know my parents did to me. And that is just what I know. I am badly fragmented due to dissociation. My memories, which are only now coming back to me in hazy, blurry, dark flashbacks are still too unclear to me yet I know in my deep, quiet place I was harm as deeply as a child can be. SA. I don't know yet by whom. I don't think it was by my parents their crime was neglect and a love that was unreachable. And a unsafe home life. They hit physically and harmed by emotional abuse. Why, what did we do, did we ask to be born. No. If those answers were available, wow the impact we could have in saving so many. So we, the harmed must try to pick up the pieces, without answers and it is the toughest thing in the world .I don't have the answers. I am not as far in the process as you my dear friend. I just wanted to try to tell you, you are someone I admire for your strength and courage to come this far. I grieve with you for your sweet 12 year-old self. And don't blame or misunderstand your mixed up 12 year-old self. She did what she could then with the information she had. Which was none. What tools does a 12 year- old really have. A parent. As a parents myself, I would hope I would recognize my child hurting and needing help. Because I think telling something like that would so hard that the circumstances would have to be almost perfect or it would never come out. It is not sad you didn't tell. It is impossible. I think it would be hard no matter how wonderful your mom might be. It is hard to tell as an adult and confusing I can only imagine as a frightened bewildered 12 year old it would seem like the end of the world to tell. So, goes easy yourself then and now. And of course you never did one thing on that list to make it stop. It really wasn't your place to make it stop. It was an adult's to make sure it never happened. It was the person that did it, that it never should have happened. As a parent I would always hold myself to blame by stopping it. I don't know all the circumstances, but I do know YOU, daisym, are not to blame to have had to had make it stop. That was not your responsiblity.
So go to Camp Comfort and live in those moments. Ok, YOU are a beautiful person who deserves all the beauty in the world right now. rsk
Posted by Fallsfall on February 12, 2008, at 8:37:11
In reply to On my Way to CC - potential trigger, posted by Daisym on February 11, 2008, at 22:36:57
I'll meet you at Camp Comfort. I'll bring my guitar and we can sing Peter, Paul, and Mary songs all night.
Posted by raisinb on February 12, 2008, at 12:02:44
In reply to On my Way to CC - potential trigger, posted by Daisym on February 11, 2008, at 22:36:57
Daisy, I feel for you and hope things get easier soon.
This is probably scant comfort, but you are doing amazing work. I often read your posts with a sense of awe for both you and your T.
Posted by Phillipa on February 12, 2008, at 19:26:34
In reply to Re: On my Way to CC - potential trigger » Daisym, posted by rskontos on February 12, 2008, at 7:01:59
Just a question why does the fact that my parents were never there and I raised myself including cooking for me and being accused by my Mother of causing her illness and all the screaming ant temper tantrums directed toward me not seem like abuse verbal???? I've always wondered why. Phillipa
Posted by sunnydays on February 12, 2008, at 20:09:49
In reply to Re: On my Way to CC - potential trigger » rskontos, posted by Phillipa on February 12, 2008, at 19:26:34
I don't want to discuss your question on this thread Phillippa, as it's a Camp Comfort thread. But I would happy to answer if you started your own thread. But you don't have to if you don't want to, others may feel like answering here.
sunnydays
Posted by Phillipa on February 12, 2008, at 20:17:19
In reply to Re: On my Way to CC - potential trigger » Phillipa, posted by sunnydays on February 12, 2008, at 20:09:49
Sorry sunnydays you are so correct. Can't now as have work to do. Love Phillipa
Posted by rskontos on February 12, 2008, at 20:20:20
In reply to Re: On my Way to CC - potential trigger » rskontos, posted by Phillipa on February 12, 2008, at 19:26:34
Because you were conditioned to not think that way. I never thought I was traumatized either. I accepted the way I grew up as that is normal to me. You accepted what came your way as normal. Even though you probably had, just like me, evidence to the contrary, you needed to preserve what your normal was. What you were living in. The here and now is that way your way of life at the time you were in it was what it was, so you, never want to question it. Yet it was verbal and emotional abuse. Which over time is trauma and hard to overcome. So in therapy you should talk about how it felt and how it made you feel and try to come to terms. But, if you are like me, admitting it to yourself it the hardest step of all.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 12, 2008, at 20:35:06
In reply to Re: On my Way to CC - potential trigger, posted by rskontos on February 12, 2008, at 20:20:20
Posted by sunnydays on February 12, 2008, at 20:38:56
In reply to On my Way to CC - potential trigger, posted by Daisym on February 11, 2008, at 22:36:57
Oh Daisy,
The whys sound like my session today. I kept saying why it was taking so long and what was wrong with me, and was it really abuse. He just said, "It just takes time, you're really wounded. It takes a long time to heal."But he has been pushing me a lot lately and it's hard. And so I'm joining you at Camp Comfort.
sunnydays
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