Posted by Daisym on February 11, 2008, at 22:36:57
In reply to Re: In Need of Camp Comfort » mair, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2008, at 19:05:31
Things did not get better today - although they are clearer. I danced away from the painful topic and he let me. But everywhere I turned - "the weekend had hard moments" "What was it about those moments?" -- there we were again. He drew some dead on interpretations. He brought the past forward and noted that I still feel like an outsider and I still hide my hurt. Everyone thinks I'm tough and handling everything just fine. The reality is I really have been thinking about the bridge as my escape.
I told him that I made a list of everything I could have done when I was 12 to stop the abuse. I had impossible, magical things on the list and some other, very horrible things, like ways to not be a girl anymore. A day later I realized I'd left something off. I never put "tell mom" on the list. How sad is that?
There is so much self-hatred and self-blame. And so much frustration right now in not understanding "why." Why did this happen? Why? It just isn't acceptable to think I'll never really know the answer. Because the answer I keep coming back to right now is that somehow I'm to blame. I never did one thing on that list to make it stop. Maybe I'm alone and lonely because I deserve to be.
I'm glad Camp Comfort is open, even if there is snow. Today it was sunny and 67 here - I'm in no mood for good weather. I'd rather have it cold so I can stomp around a bit. I just want to sit and watch the birds on the snow.
Thanks for all the support, I'm sorry I'm not taking it in very well right now. But you all mean a great deal to me and I am reading all the great suggestions. Babble to the rescue - thank goodness!
poster:Daisym
thread:811925
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080210/msgs/812170.html