Posted by rskontos on February 12, 2008, at 7:01:59
In reply to On my Way to CC - potential trigger, posted by Daisym on February 11, 2008, at 22:36:57
Daisym,
In my mind, I have gone through the same thing, why why why.
However, in the minds of messed up people, and people who harm innocents of all ages, they are no clear answers. For if there were, then perhaps we could find a clear straight way to help them and forever end the path that is taken to begin abuse in the first place. My parents are the reason for my trauma and I ask myself how. As I look in to the faces of my lovely, sweet sometimes frustrating children, I know in my heart, I could never do to them the things I know my parents did to me. And that is just what I know. I am badly fragmented due to dissociation. My memories, which are only now coming back to me in hazy, blurry, dark flashbacks are still too unclear to me yet I know in my deep, quiet place I was harm as deeply as a child can be. SA. I don't know yet by whom. I don't think it was by my parents their crime was neglect and a love that was unreachable. And a unsafe home life. They hit physically and harmed by emotional abuse. Why, what did we do, did we ask to be born. No. If those answers were available, wow the impact we could have in saving so many. So we, the harmed must try to pick up the pieces, without answers and it is the toughest thing in the world .I don't have the answers. I am not as far in the process as you my dear friend. I just wanted to try to tell you, you are someone I admire for your strength and courage to come this far. I grieve with you for your sweet 12 year-old self. And don't blame or misunderstand your mixed up 12 year-old self. She did what she could then with the information she had. Which was none. What tools does a 12 year- old really have. A parent. As a parents myself, I would hope I would recognize my child hurting and needing help. Because I think telling something like that would so hard that the circumstances would have to be almost perfect or it would never come out. It is not sad you didn't tell. It is impossible. I think it would be hard no matter how wonderful your mom might be. It is hard to tell as an adult and confusing I can only imagine as a frightened bewildered 12 year old it would seem like the end of the world to tell. So, goes easy yourself then and now. And of course you never did one thing on that list to make it stop. It really wasn't your place to make it stop. It was an adult's to make sure it never happened. It was the person that did it, that it never should have happened. As a parent I would always hold myself to blame by stopping it. I don't know all the circumstances, but I do know YOU, daisym, are not to blame to have had to had make it stop. That was not your responsiblity.
So go to Camp Comfort and live in those moments. Ok, YOU are a beautiful person who deserves all the beauty in the world right now. rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:811925
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080210/msgs/812195.html