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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 10:42:34
That I should feel so shaken in my T relationship.
Its off and on and tentative at best ANYways....
But she just keep being the same.
Cept I can TELL that she been tired lately. She LOOK tired. She say she not sick. I asked. Just very busy.
So of course, I am back right off cuz i don't want to be no burden.
I am confused.
Sent her a weird/dumb mail.
But mostly I send her nothing much now.
I see her tomorrow if all works out.
I DON'T wanna go. I got NOTHING to say. I don't even care to see HER for visit. Manoman, hope she don't read babble or her feelings be hurt.
She don't though, she not got time to!
I all mixed up.
Mixed and mixed.
I am of the thot I don't need T no more.
I got nothing to say.
So why go?
Waste of my money and her time.
I been grumpy too, I'd just be grumpy proly.
Oh poo.
M
Posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 11:25:06
In reply to Its interesting re:T, posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 10:42:34
F right off.
I do not need her.
I do not want attachment to her.
I am just fine.
M
Posted by seldomseen on January 21, 2008, at 11:26:51
In reply to Its interesting re:T, posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 10:42:34
I would go to see my T tomorrow if I were you. Even if you just have to sit and look at her. Maybe you could talk about how you have nothing to say and what is up with that?
She probably busy because she is working very hard to help people like us. That's her job, it's what she choses to do every single day she gets out of bed in the morning and goes to work.
It's not a burden, it what's she does!Go see your T.
Seldom.
Posted by Fallsfall on January 21, 2008, at 12:04:05
In reply to Really, I just want to tell her to ..., posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 11:25:06
Sounds like you do have something to talk about...
(((Muffled)))
Posted by Phillipa on January 21, 2008, at 12:20:49
In reply to Re: Really, I just want to tell her to ... » muffled, posted by Fallsfall on January 21, 2008, at 12:04:05
Muffled feel the same way but I know why I don't want to go I have to bring up some things that hurt and I don't want to talk about but I have to go this goes over and over in my head. Think could be the same for you? Just a though? Love Phillipa
Posted by llurpsienoodle on January 21, 2008, at 12:45:20
In reply to Re: Really, I just want to tell her to ..., posted by Phillipa on January 21, 2008, at 12:20:49
muffled, why not go to the session, tell her you don't want to be there and tell her to
@#$% off? See what happens. A unique test of the therapeutic alliance.Or you can follow the more sensible suggestions offered above (grin)
Well, you have strong feelings, and you're entitled to them. Now you just gotta figure out where they're coming from. Do they build over time or attack from nowhere? Is there a trigger, or a set of circumstances?
Some of us are hypervigilant. I consider it a gift and a burden. I can detect slight fluctuations in voice tone and body posture that gives me anxiety and makes me think the other person is angry, scared, etc. I wonder if you're picking up on subtle cues that your T is not 100% in the room with you- preoccupied, or at least overoccupied?
now I go pet kitty-Ll
Posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 13:05:51
In reply to Re: Really, I just want to tell her to ..., posted by llurpsienoodle on January 21, 2008, at 12:45:20
Hi,
I not writing much stuff. Cuz I not thinking so much really. Cuz I don't wanna. Cuz I getting stuff done anyhow.
So thats Ok I s'pect eh? Maintain status quo. Just motor along and emotions and flashes and that stuff passes.
I am kind to ikids. I say nice things, don't yell at them and wish them dead. I accept that they feel what they feel, then I try hard to not feel what they feel cuz its got naught to do w/me I reckon.
And in this way I don't goto worry bout that stuff. Cuz it'll pass.
It comes back, but then it'll pass again. And when it gets bad, I just tolerate and keep going waiting for it to pass.
And there not so much noise in my head cuz they don't get as upset cuz I not being nasty.
Stuff is 'there', but I ignore it and so its OK mostly.
Just low grade I feel shame of this person cuz, well, I dunno why, but I spose it don't matter right? I can just ignore it.
I function OK mostly.
Mebbe I'll never accomplish much, but mebbe I don't goto. Leastaways I not on the street. My kids do Ok I guess.
Mebbe DH not so happy, but WTF, mebbe if he stay away awhile it'll feel safer again w/time. He be staying away, this is GOOD.
I kinda low grade have self desrtuct program running, but I will not do it. Its almost harder to NOT do it. To SI or drink. But I not do that to my kids.
So I say why? self destruct running? I figger mebbe they not so happy some them ikids.
So this is one thing thats not good only. Rest of it I can live with. Just the way it is.
I just goto get the unrest settled somehow. But w/o going in areas that should NOT be accessed. That is not requiered. Maybe some ikids think I shut 'em down this way, but I trying to tell 'em I NOT shut 'em down. I can listen to their EMOTS and commiserate, but I DO NOT want to know nothing else. Not to diss them ikids, but cuz they can't tell me nothing thats real. Only stuff they are able to send is from THEIR standpoint, and to me, I cannot understand it. So I cannot accept it, its just gibberish.
So they try and communicate w/pics and physical stuff, intrusive emotions. This is disturbing to me, and I want it to stop. Mostly I good at to stop it Ok.
I TRY to talk to ikids, but not too much cuz then they try and send me stuff I don't want so I stop.
I not so sure what I s'posed to do bout this.
D'ya spose it just goes away over time if I keep doing right things?
Least I not so much being all over the place these days, so that is good.
Mebbe I grumpy some.
Oh well.
Mostly not so much emots anyhow really.
Not so much anything much of the time.
Empty head.
Mebbe thats good huh?
Ha.
Muffled
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hey T,
OK FYI cuz you proly ask, I don't f*ck*ng care cuz its what i goto do, I GOTO do. I MUST shut up the stuff.
NO stuff, thats what I say.
NO NO stuff.
Damn.
CAN I just make it go away??????? You people know this stuff?
Mebbe them people on the street, mebbe it just wouldn't go away, so thats why they end up there.
Mebbe thats where I end up...s'ok.
Just so longs I raise my kids OK first.
Then I don't care.
Mebbe I bad for that?
Please explain why you NOT get tired of me? Why you not tired of me? I am tired of me. I am SO f*ck*ng tired of me.
How come you put up w/my sh*t anyways?
Sure I can be nice, but I such an IDIOT.
There's SO much i just don't 'get'.
LOL, dumpmeitis rears its ugly head.
Sometimes I just wonder is all.
Damn, you got more patience than me.
Someone told me, cuz I said ikid wanted to test, she say just tell T. But then I say test not work if T knows. Test not work then....
Crap, WHY you just not tell me to f*ck right off???????
You got ENUF going on.
LOL, just say it..." *******, you f*ck off you idiot!!!', I not hit ya. I NEVER hit ya. You KNOW that right?
I don't EVER wanna mess you up somehow :-(
LOL or mebbe I a f*ck*ng idiot. Mebbe.
Ha,
Its the good that keeps me from dying.
Cool.
I wish I was just one :-(
I wanna be just one.
I wanna die too.
Stupid eh?
Muffled
Posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 14:14:41
In reply to These my last 2 mails to T....mutant...., posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 13:05:51
So, I read respomses....and I dunno, I dunno.
Sh*t, I wanto go, I DON'T want to go and I DON'T KNOW why. And its not like its proly some mysterious deep thing. I dunno.
Mebbe its cuz I think I triggered T last time w/my 'slip' and I slip again,and nothing went wrong, but I don't wanna trigger her again. So I don't wanna tell her, but I GOTO be honest or why bother? Honest is cornerstone of our relationship. And I KNOW its HER stuff, and I DID ask bout that she seemed triggered but she said it was just out of concern for me. That she WASN'T triggered. But I don't beleive her. Bad eh?
Hmmm.Mebbe answered my own question......
Crap.
But I STILL dunno WTF to do...
Maybe bail and just write it in an email, cuz I KNOW face to face I'll just choke...
Aaaarrrggghhh.
Had some sad stuff to hear bout friends and family. Health stuff :-( I am so fortunate, I kinda wrecked but better off than SO many.
Sometimes I hate myself.
M
Posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 15:46:35
In reply to Re: These my last 2 mails to T....mutant...., posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 14:14:41
Why I can't settle.
Why I increasingly fussed.
Why I want to escape.
Why I run away from T.
STOOPID IKIDS.
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH.
OK, smarter part of me sees this more globally, the whole picture of behaviours. Says to me I working up to something. Some ikid want to SAY something. I FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT it. I DO NOT wannna hear. They make no sense. F*CK. This is getting cyclical. So according to cycle I either maim myself, get dangerous, or sometimes it blows over on its own and I end up a rumbling pot of stew inside.
Its the rage, there is SO much anger somewhere.
I dunno WTF to DO about it. I get so tired of this cycle. One day I gonna die. I goto take care of myself for my kids. Its not enuf to beat pillows etc, I have to FEEL the pain, SEE the pain. Oh this is all so stupid and melodramatic.
I'll just shut the hell up now.
Sorry.
Now I reckon everyone SORRY I posted :-( Sorry.
I just keep hoping someone will tell me the 'secret' of the magic thing I goto DO to make it stop :-(
M
Posted by sunnydays on January 21, 2008, at 15:54:42
In reply to Really, I just want to tell her to ..., posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 11:25:06
You know, you're not a burden to her. If it helps, think of it as her job... you give her the money to allow her to busy doing whatever the rest of what she does! And she has shown that she doesn't find you a burden. Maybe you don't NEED her, per say, but it's perfectly ok to WANT her. And it's perfectly ok to go even if you don't think you want her or need her or if you're mad at her. She's there to help you think through it all and figure all these complicated feelings out.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on January 21, 2008, at 16:05:25
In reply to NOW I got it...**poss Sinjury triggers**, posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 15:46:35
Muffled, I don't have the rage, but I have to pictures and the emotions and they just come and I fight them but they come anyway. Sometimes you just have to see them, and struggled with them, and react to them, and grieve them, and then get on with life. But just fighting not seeing them uses up all your energy and mixes me up inside. Sometimes it's better just to SEE whatever awful thing it is and then accept it, believe that it's something real for some part of me, and try to deal with it.
Easier said than done I know... But do remember your kids. Go to T. Tell her all this stuff if you can. She will be fine with it. Or go and say nothing. But please go. You're ok muffled.
sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on January 21, 2008, at 18:12:23
In reply to Its interesting re:T, posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 10:42:34
Is it possible that the recent discussion on Babble has something to do with this?
I ask because even tho I am fairly accepting of my therapeutic relationship after all this time, I felt very angry towards my therapist Saturday for no reason in particular. I guess I just suddenly wondered what it would mean if the emperor really didn't have any clothes.
Posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 18:39:13
In reply to Re: NOW I got it...**poss Sinjury triggers** » muffled, posted by sunnydays on January 21, 2008, at 16:05:25
Thanks SD you say good and right things....you a smart cookie!
Ya, I emailed my T. She email back nice as ever...
Glad I mailed her cuz i was gettin myself all wound up!
It helped to have your posts to read, thanks SD.
:-)
M
Posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 18:43:38
In reply to Re: Its interesting re:T » muffled, posted by Dinah on January 21, 2008, at 18:12:23
>I guess I just suddenly wondered what it would mean if the emperor really didn't have any clothes.
*Good point! as usual!
ROFL!! I like the way you phrase stuff!
Hmmmm.
Very good point.
My T has always been very clear she just human etc. Partly why she got looser boundaries. But still....I guess I reckon she smarter than me. She can hopefully see the big picture better than me. And I think she generally does. But ya. You got a good point. LOL! :-o ;-)
M
Posted by llurpsienoodle on January 21, 2008, at 19:46:23
In reply to Re: Its interesting re:T » Dinah, posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 18:43:38
Therapy is not magic, it's just a little series of conversations about change to make real change easier.
What else would you fill that hour of your life with?
Muffled, you sound like you're in a much better space now. I'm sorry that things got so hard. I don't know the right thing to say, but know that I'm here. and don't forget your keys to the safe place. The place where you can check your anger and anxiety at the door...
-Ll
Posted by star008 on January 22, 2008, at 22:29:49
In reply to Its interesting re:T, posted by muffled on January 21, 2008, at 10:42:34
sometimes i don't wanna go either.. didn't last week at all but i went and it wasn't alot of fun..
didn't wanna go, i think cuz i had stuff that was trying to come out and it is hard when that happens. i wish i could gt them to be quiet too but they won't stay quiet for long.. that is somemore acceptance for you muffs..Accept that the ikdis are there and aren't going to be quiet until they are heard...sad but true.. you know;)
You are going through another bad time. It will get better.. always does.. you just have to go through the sh**t.. I slip too and T doesn't like it but he accepts me anyway. Your t isn't going to throw you out the door.. You try to make her hate you but I don't think it is going to happen. You will just feel bad if you are mean to her.You are a good person muffled and have a good heart.. Remember that, okay?? Accept that one for now.. cuz i said so..lol..dent
Hope u are okay..was starting to worry bout you..
This is the end of the thread.
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