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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 11:30:27
Help. I had a new flash yesterday from my others and I am searching for what it might mean.
I saw three children laying down. They were talking and I can not tell what they were saying. Then I knew but now I don't. A man came and took something from them but I couldn't see. I don't know the man. One of the children was a girl, maybe two, one might have been a boy. They were afraid of the man. They didn't fight him but remained very still. I couldn't tell what they were lying on. I opened my eyes to write this down in case I forgot. I was not asleep I was awake. My T says they are trying to show me things to let me remember gradually things maybe. She says it is good they are so close. I tried talking to them but when the man came they wouldn't talk anymore.
Any ideas.........I was not afraid but they were I could feel it. My heart felt like it was beating very fast, like a weight was on my chest. My limbs felt heavy like I couldnt run. I tried to scream at the man but couldn't. I felt their fear.
rk
It is really weird to feel these things knowing you are not asleep.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 7, 2007, at 11:50:38
In reply to Any ideas what this might mean/possible triggers, posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 11:30:27
> Help. I had a new flash yesterday from my others and I am searching for what it might mean.
>
> I saw three children laying down. They were talking and I can not tell what they were saying. Then I knew but now I don't. A man came and took something from them but I couldn't see. I don't know the man. One of the children was a girl, maybe two, one might have been a boy. They were afraid of the man. They didn't fight him but remained very still. I couldn't tell what they were lying on. I opened my eyes to write this down in case I forgot. I was not asleep I was awake. My T says they are trying to show me things to let me remember gradually things maybe. She says it is good they are so close. I tried talking to them but when the man came they wouldn't talk anymore.
>
> Any ideas.........I was not afraid but they were I could feel it. My heart felt like it was beating very fast, like a weight was on my chest. My limbs felt heavy like I couldnt run. I tried to scream at the man but couldn't. I felt their fear.
>
> rk
>
> It is really weird to feel these things knowing you are not asleep.See if you can get your hands on that book I mentioned above. There's something in there about the physical location being *horizontally beside* where the event is taking place as one type of disassociation; greater is when the experience is that you are looking down from above, and the most disassociative is from being deep down in a hole.
Don't know if this helps, but it rang a bell when I read your post - "laying down". Take care, RK. I think that wanting to learn more about these things can be like a great thirst. It is for me.
CS
Posted by star008 on December 7, 2007, at 12:41:19
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible trigge » rskontos, posted by ClearSkies on December 7, 2007, at 11:50:38
rk..
I can only guess and wish I could help you more. My humble thought here is tht what he took away from them was very important.. Did he take their trust?? Their innocence??..
ohhhh I am just blank.. wish I could be of more help
Posted by muffled on December 7, 2007, at 12:57:08
In reply to Any ideas what this might mean/possible triggers, posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 11:30:27
I dunno what it means, stuff like that makes me run and hide.
I don't want to know stuff.
I do but I don't.
Sometimes I search desprately, ask questions like crazy on babble cuz I trying SO hard to figger stuff. But then I get overwhelmed by it all.
Some books good , some books bad. Sometimes too much, too much.
I get scared.
Sounds like you got good T. Maybe you need to keep in contact w/her sometimes btwn appts.
You got a way to get aholda her in BETWEEN appts? Can you phone her and she phone back?
Sorry, I think mebbe I be triggered a bit so excuse me. EVERYTHING is triggering so not worrying its this.
Just you be careful OK?
I am CONCERNED I guess too that you don't got a good handle on your peeps B4 you start to "dig" for stuff. You need to have a main peep that is willing to be like security and control some of what the others do. I have 3 security levels of varying reliability and safeness.
I realize full control is a dream, NOBODDY in world got full control.
How is relationship to T? You trust her? She reliable? She not get ascared of stuff?
Do you have a freak out plan?
A concrete plan to follow if you so freaked you dunno what to do. You write it down clear and simple.
Maybe you ask T bout that.
Y'know, you proly forget for a REASON. Trust this. I think stability internally as best you can, and some communication etc is important. And coping mechanisms and lists in place.
OK OK OK maybe I say bout me is all. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I can go now.
Sorry, I just you to be OK.
(((RSK)))
M
Posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 13:39:10
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible trigge » rskontos, posted by ClearSkies on December 7, 2007, at 11:50:38
Clearskies, I will try and get the book, I am currently reading Coping with Trauma, it has a great section on DD/DID but nothing like this. I also was thinking to get the book Twinleaf recommended or discussed in one of her threads. I can still see them in my mind's eye. I might email this to my T and see what she says. thanks rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 13:41:31
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible trigge, posted by star008 on December 7, 2007, at 12:41:19
Hey Star we are all trying to get answers so no worries. I think maybe he never had their trust and it might be their innocence. Maybe my peeps are just showing a little at a time. This is the first time I saw something like this though. Mostly be4 it was just them and talking. This was the first time it was an image. and I knew they wanted me to see this to remember. It was being discussed I think. Or I just knew and don't know how I just knew.
thanks for your support. it is important too. rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 13:53:39
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible triggers » rskontos, posted by muffled on December 7, 2007, at 12:57:08
Muffy, I am sorry it makes you want to run and hide. I am trying to get a plan an dI have a peep that usually is the Boss but she is staying back and I don't know why. T asked the same question where is she. I dont know. T wants me to invite all to a sit down, like a conference of my peeps for a boundary session but she says it needs to be when I am ready and it needs to be a place in my head where I feel safe so I have to create it and I need to feel like working on that. So it may be a while. She says after a while I will be able to control them better. Right now I just make them go and that is why they come and go and don't work with me. She says I must when they come not make them go but it hard. I think I will email her bout this....Specially since it is a first time they do this. Try to show me something. You did help me to let her know she you are smart girl.....
I am not really trying to dig they are just trying to show. I think it is cause my son is a teenager and he sets off the teen in me. We fight sometimes like teenagers cause she gets nervous around him. Sometimes I have to fight to be adult around my son. That is what is hard. There are at lest 2 my son makes uncomfortable and they hover to fight back if he and I get into disputes. Which with a 15 year old son disputes between parents and teenagers are often. It is hard when my H is out of town so much and I can't hand off to him. That is why this week and last week I am so unside down. I think. My T agrees. But she thinks in a way it is good. She is wondering if they agree with son or is trying to protect me. Right now it isnt clear. They like his music so when he starts playing it I can feel them. So that is it.
My relationship with her is still complicated. I realize only parts are ok with her. Trust not yet really. Some say no way. She is reliable. She says last time that she is there for me there the longhaul. She says none of me can run her off and I switched into bad one last time and ranted and raved and cried. Might have been two there. It exhausted me and I was very uncomfortable. I cried all the way home. but T thought it was good what happened. She is not scared. I am not her first. She has about 15 other patients like this. One is still in denial of her parts. So no this isn't new to her. She does want me to have a plan and she tells it too me over and over again. I am not doing it yet but she understands it is hard and parts of my resists. They are not ready.
Sorry I upset you. I will be ok so will you. Man if just you and I got together we could be a huge party alone.....LOL
You take care too....thanks for the support and encouragement. rk
Posted by seldomseen on December 7, 2007, at 15:00:34
In reply to Any ideas what this might mean/possible triggers, posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 11:30:27
what were you doing when you had the flash?
Posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 15:30:30
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible triggers » rskontos, posted by seldomseen on December 7, 2007, at 15:00:34
I had just lay down with my eyes closed resting. the whole week has been very upseting. A tough session at therapy. The first time she saw me switch and then I broke down when I switched back. I went to a farewall dinner for a friend that is what made me switch. Since that day, I have been very unbalanced. Crying, or numb. The peeps are close to the surface and keep me unbalanced. One provoked a fight with my son. That was bad. That was the day before this.
I was very upset this day. I finallyl pulled myself together and went to see the horses. This happened afterward. Later that night. I got dinner at a store for us. We ate. I finally went to my room just to rest. When I laid down at around 8:30 that is when it happened. It was almost immediately. I had just closed my eyes. So I was not even close to asleep.
Mean anything to you....?
Posted by muffled on December 7, 2007, at 15:50:19
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible trigge » muffled, posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 13:53:39
Rsk, *you* who wrote the last post bout how there's not a boss. is this an adult you?
Who is observing and knowing there is a teen starting fight with your son?
Can the parts talk together at all?
How do you communicate?
See for me it is FAR easier to try and relax and empty my mind, and then I do it on the computer. I just type fast w/o worrying bout mistakes and the words flow. I can 'hear' them then and write them. I can even have conversations in this way, when its someone else talking I just start a new paragraph. Then after, when noone is speaking, then I read and try to figger out maybe who was saying what etc. I think there has been(though this thot disturbs me alot)communication w/o *me*, this main me that seems to be mostly around, amongst themselves. But I suspect that it is limited. I think the others are fairly aware there's others, but oddly they speak thru me somehow. I don't really understand. But anyhow, I wonder if you could figger who the 'main you' is, and if maybe this 'main you' can, if not be the boss, maybe it can be the 'coordinator' of communication?
Just a thot.
M
Posted by I need a hug on December 7, 2007, at 19:37:06
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible trigge, posted by muffled on December 7, 2007, at 15:50:19
RSK,
From everything you wrote in your last paragraph, it sounds to me like you wanted to help these children but you were unable to. You couldn't scream at the man, you couldn't lift your arms, etc. Does this remind you of anything or make any sense to you? HUGS
Posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 22:24:32
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible trigge, posted by I need a hug on December 7, 2007, at 19:37:06
Yeah, I wanted to but so far it doesnt. I think there is more to the incident or if it is a memory. I think it is the tip of the iceberg so to speak. Most of my childhood memory are locked away from my memory and I am thinking that this was provided as maybe a first step in showing me something of one of them. I emailed my T to get her input but so far she hasn't emailed me back. I am thinking at some point the rest will be revealed, who everyone is and what was going on. So much happened at my house when I was growing up that caused me to dissociate from, this may be one such event. I am only guessing. Thanks for your reply. It is funny how our mind works to protect us isn't it. rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 22:40:37
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible trigge, posted by muffled on December 7, 2007, at 15:50:19
Rsk, *you* who wrote the last post bout how there's not a boss. is this an adult you?
**Yes, I think so although parts of what I wrote I had to re-read to make sure.....I was mostly there......
Who is observing and knowing there is a teen starting fight with your son?
** Adult me is in the background, which I can do some but can't control or take back control I can only observe. Mostly like from far far far away. I am only remotely aware. If that makes sense. I used to not know. ONly lately do I know.
Can the parts talk together at all?*No not yet but I try. I can listen mostly. but adult me can't always remember.
How do you communicate?**Afterwards, if I was able to remotely stay I heard was happened. the one that used to be boss I went away completely when she was in charge. She was smart and she was in charge. maybe that is why. If I stay then she doesn't come. I don't know right now.
See for me it is FAR easier to try and relax and empty my mind, and then I do it on the computer. I just type fast w/o worrying bout mistakes and the words flow. I can 'hear' them then and write them. I can even have conversations in this way, when its someone else talking I just start a new paragraph. Then after, when noone is speaking, then I read and try to figger out maybe who was saying what etc. I think there has been(though this thot disturbs me alot)communication w/o *me*, this main me that seems to be mostly around, amongst themselves. But I suspect that it is limited. I think the others are fairly aware there's others, but oddly they speak thru me somehow. I don't really understand.
**Yes some of mine oddly speak through me.... but not all. Some I go away completely and don't know anything and lose time and just wake up. That happened with T twice and happens all the time other places. Lately the one I don't like that takes over I can stay and she talks through me(good way to describe it ) but I can't control what she says.
But anyhow, I wonder if you could figger who the 'main you' is, and if maybe this 'main you' can, if not be the boss, maybe it can be the 'coordinator' of communication?
Just a thot.**This is a good thought and what I am suppose to figure out how. This is hard.
I am going to try to do your writing thing which is something T told me to do too but to also answer them back in writing when I notice something they write. she says it is not uncommon while I am writing that they might add stuff. that switching can occur that fast. This is why I am sharing so much of it now. It is my journal of what is going on. And I print it and add it to my journal. I might show her one day. rsk
PS. On the way home from picking up my son, teen came out and my son says here we go again with this behavior. He recognized I was different and I could feel her, I think she likes to be around him too. He plays the right music etc. Except when he is in a bad mood. Then they will fight. Today though he was in a good mood and things went ok. I don't know, I just felt the change and when I came back my head hurt. I know when I am back. Man this is confusing.
Posted by muffled on December 7, 2007, at 23:44:47
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible trigge, posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 22:40:37
> Yes, I think so although parts of what I wrote I had to re-read to make sure.....I was mostly there......
+ I not much of an expert for sure, but to me it seems a GOOD thing that you aere mostly there...
> Who is observing and knowing there is a teen starting fight with your son?
> ** Adult me is in the background, which I can do some but can't control or take back control I can only observe. Mostly like from far far far away. I am only remotely aware. If that makes sense. I used to not know. ONly lately do I know.+WOW, now to me that seems HUGE. That you can know more of the time. I think thats goto be good. I am fortunate, I'm not sure that i actually lose time, but sometimes I just seem to allasudden realize I haven't been me and my behaviour may have been a bit 'off'. I think I notice it when others maybe look at me funny or something, and boom, its me, and I goto joke around and try and make it like I was just goofing around. I dunno if other people even notice? Proly do maybe a bit kinda wonder :(
So take heart, I think you are making PROGRESS!
>
> Can the parts talk together at all?
> *No not yet but I try. I can listen mostly. but adult me can't always remember.*well I dunno wassup w/them interacting myself either anyhow.
> How do you communicate?
> **Afterwards, if I was able to remotely stay I heard was happened. the one that used to be boss I went away completely when she was in charge. She was smart and she was in charge. maybe that is why. If I stay then she doesn't come. I don't know right now.*Its OK. They don't dissaapear. She can come back. Sometime my peeps are just....GONE...it weird. But they always come back, so I don't worry too much when that happens.
> See for me it is FAR easier to try and relax and empty my mind, and then I do it on the computer. I think the others are fairly aware there's others, but oddly they speak thru me somehow. I don't really understand.
> **Yes some of mine oddly speak through me.... but not all. Some I go away completely and don't know anything and lose time and just wake up. That happened with T twice and happens all the time other places. Lately the one I don't like that takes over I can stay and she talks through me(good way to describe it ) but I can't control what she says.+I really don't think I lose time, if I do, it must be very short, or else they are filling each other in on whats happeneing, I honestly don't know. I am grateful i don't do the full switch. But again, that seems wonderful that that part is willing to speak thru you rather than switch! It really seems like you ARE getting there.
> But anyhow, I wonder if you could figger who the 'main you' is, and if maybe this 'main you' can, if not be the boss, maybe it can be the 'coordinator' of communication?
> Just a thot.
> **This is a good thought and what I am suppose to figure out how. This is hard.+Well, FWIW....I dunno who the 'main me' truly is either....It IS very confusing, cuz even people who are not 'split' can behave very differently in diff situations. So how are we to know, if the 'me', is a variation of the same adult, or someone else, or WHAT. I have a way of being, where I am in 'reality mode', and there is a DIFFERENT me AGAIN. Its an adult, it seems real, it has some memories. So WHO is ME? Is the me, that is primarily here...just a dissociative part? Is the 'realilty me' the actual me? I dunno. So don't feel too bad. I dunno these things, but I get by OK.
> I am going to try to do your writing thing which is something T told me to do too but to also answer them back in writing when I notice something they write. she says it is not uncommon while I am writing that they might add stuff. that switching can occur that fast. This is why I am sharing so much of it now. It is my journal of what is going on. And I print it and add it to my journal. I might show her one day.
+ I REALLY hope you can show your T some of your writings, I think it helps them to better understand us.
Thats the other thing I find VERY confusing in my situation. Is this fast 'switching' thing. I don't acxtually switch...I dunno WTF it is I do, but one time, in a short phone call to T, I figgered it after, cuz I remembered it all, and there was adult me, toughie AND Ikid in one call. One after another. See it was adult that phoned T( she did it for Ikid), but then T hooked in Ikid by talking bout snow, then Toughie realized it was Ikid and wanted to shut her down so T wouldn't notice, so just said 'OK' in a final sort of way to indidcate the call was over, and I can't remember who ended the call. But thats how fast it was...
> PS. On the way home from picking up my son, teen came out and my son says here we go again with this behavior. He recognized I was different and I could feel her, I think she likes to be around him too. He plays the right music etc. Except when he is in a bad mood. Then they will fight. Today though he was in a good mood and things went ok. I don't know, I just felt the change and when I came back my head hurt. I know when I am back. Man this is confusing.+TOTALLY confusing! Give yourself a break.
Is your son aware of the fact you are struggling? Can you as a dult speak to him a bit about it? To reassure him, and tell him you are doing your very best? Or mebbe he could talk to T and she could explain just a bit? Or mebbe he knows.
Teens are tough at best...
I am NOT looking forward to my kids being teens!
Take good care RSK.
I hope nothing I say upsets you. Please let me know if it does, I don't mind at all. I just am trying to explain how it is with me, in the hopes that maybe it can help you somehow.
Take care,
M
Posted by I need a hug on December 8, 2007, at 0:05:27
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible trigge, posted by rskontos on December 7, 2007, at 22:24:32
(((RSK))),
I hope you hear from your T soon and find some answers to your questions. It might not be easy but it will be progress. I read all of your posts and (((muffled's))) and I know how hard both of you work and how you struggle. I wish I could do or say something to help you but I don't know what that is. Just know that I care about both of you and I'm here any time you need a hug.
HUGS
Posted by rskontos on December 8, 2007, at 9:34:13
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible trigge, posted by I need a hug on December 8, 2007, at 0:05:27
Thanks Hugs, believe it or not but that is enough. This is tough and confusing and the trying of keeping it all together is hard. today I tried talking to my H and he just doesn't want to know bout. He will be ok with me having it all under control but until then leave him alone. He is happy now with job and all and doesn't want anything to rock his boat. :(
So I will travel on my journey with my T and you guys as my lifelines.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 8, 2007, at 9:41:01
In reply to Re: Any ideas what this might mean/possible trigge » rskontos, posted by muffled on December 7, 2007, at 23:44:47
No Muffled you haven't upset me with any. I completely get your struggles and you mirror some of mine and mine are different too in some ways. I can lose lots of time and sometimes it is brief. And I can do the fast switches too. It is all confusing but I am getting a little used to it. I got used to the really long losses of time when I was in school where sometimes I would lose days. This is better cause I haven't lost days in a long time. Maybe hours but not days. Sometimes when I write here I read my posts over and will notice a sentence or two I didn't write but that is ok. Most of the time they make sense. So they sneak in everywhere. I guess they are beginning to trust Babblers too :).
My son notices the change but in me trying to start a conversation with him he shuts down so I dont go there with him. ONly my daughter will listen some. But she isn't home much. She is a sophomore at college. She is the only I don't switch on much. ONly when we fight. Which isn't much. It is a tough issue. I hear you on not knowing who the real you is. Sometimes I think WTF am I really. I haven't a clue. Anyway, thanks for your support too. It means alot to me. You take care too. Your the best...
rsk
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