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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 1, 2007, at 19:54:45
Hi, All:
My ex is going off again with new love interest (or whatever) while I take care of little man. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm trying to manage the resulting anxiety and think I'm doing okay so far, but I'm worried that I will spiral down like last time. I'm planning to take Xanax tonight and I have planned a full day for me and little man tomorrow. I have also called and left T a voice mail giving her a heads up. But I really want to try to get through this without calling her (and ultimately I'd prefer not to have any of these feelings since I don't want to get back together with Ex.
One of my friends told me tonight that she thought it was true that I was not in love with Ex, but she thinks I'm enmeshed. If any of you have any hints about getting myself UNenmeshed, please feel free to share them.
Thanks.
Posted by Muffled on December 1, 2007, at 20:46:59
In reply to Send good thoughts my way, please, posted by TherapyGirl on December 1, 2007, at 19:54:45
I dunno what to suggest, except immerse yourself in kidland and have fun with the little guy. Kids are a GREAT distraction.
As for the mesh stuff, I dunno. I tend to keep my distance from people.
Mebbe the right meds might help if its an OCD'ish thing? I dunno.
Then there's the basic CBT figger your thots out type stuff.
I will send you good thots and hope you guys have lotsa fun doing kidstuff.
Muffled
Posted by I need a hug on December 1, 2007, at 23:41:40
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please, posted by Muffled on December 1, 2007, at 20:46:59
TG,
I've been wondering how you've been. How long were you and your ex together? It's always hard to let go but it's even harder when there is a child involved. I know how much you love your little guy and seeing him means you're going to have to see your ex. Like muff said, "Make the best of every moment you have with your little guy." About all I can tell you is it's going to take time. You need time to heal. You need time to adjust to the changes in your life. You have a lot to deal with: a break-up, custody arrangements and your exes new relationship. I wish I could come up with some simple solution for you but there isn't one. It takes me time to develop feelings for someone so I can't just turn those feelings off all at once. I don't know if this has been any help to you but please be patient. Take care of yourself. I'm here if you need anything. I will be thinking of you. HUGS
Posted by Daisym on December 2, 2007, at 0:43:28
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please, posted by I need a hug on December 1, 2007, at 23:41:40
I'm sending you lots of good thoughts. I hope your day tomorrow is fun and easy.
I think you get turned upside down still because there is a huge protective response going on for you - understandably so. It would be for me too. So many questions and then together and then not, you are part of your guy's life intensely and then not again.
And I have no idea if this fits or not, but the reason my ex can tear me up is because I still want to "prove" my side of our break up - and he lives in a different world. He'll never understand things from my perspective and he'll never agree to disagree with me. And I compare myself to others - especially his new girlfriend. That is so hard, as much as I know I shouldn't.
So maybe not emeshed but rather unresolved? I hope you get the support you need from your therapist. Let her help you.
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 2, 2007, at 6:51:55
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please, posted by Daisym on December 2, 2007, at 0:43:28
Thanks, Everybody. I'll respond individually later, but I got through the night okay (thank God for Xanax). I only woke up one time with my heart pounding through my chest wall and it was over relatively quickly. Progress, right?
I've got to get ready for the day now, but I'll check back in later.
Thanks so much for the wise words and good support.
Posted by star008 on December 2, 2007, at 7:29:49
In reply to Send good thoughts my way, please, posted by TherapyGirl on December 1, 2007, at 19:54:45
It is hard to see your old guy go off with someone new.. Unless you totally hated him i think it would bother you. I don't know if it fits but it is kind of like he is moving along and there you are. You might still be feeling the loss of breaking up too.. It doesn't mean you love him but what is familiar is always easier for us. take care
Posted by rskontos on December 2, 2007, at 13:16:47
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please » TherapyGirl, posted by star008 on December 2, 2007, at 7:29:49
TG, I think it is ok to get T thoughts on this one because like Star even if you don't think you love him you would have to be cold hearted not to hurt a little that he has moved on and you love littleguy so you still care for dad too. and that might be all the unresolved feelings are. But I think you owe it too yourself to see what lies beneath all of this and only T can really help you do that. And get it resolved. But do like Muffled says get into kidland and just play let your inner kid out and have FUN! and don't let the adult stuff matter right now save that for therapy later. Just put it off for now and enjoy the littleone......I hope it goes ok and you have some fun for yourself and the little guy you two are the most important ones in all this anyways.....
rk
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 2, 2007, at 14:42:51
In reply to Send good thoughts my way, please, posted by TherapyGirl on December 1, 2007, at 19:54:45
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 2, 2007, at 19:37:30
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please, posted by Muffled on December 1, 2007, at 20:46:59
Thanks, Muffly.
It's interesting, though -- I have always in the past kept my distance from people pretty good. I would dare say that ex is the first person I've loved. I'm not still in love, though.
I did have a blast with little man today -- we went shopping for shirts for him (he's suddenly outgrown all his winter shirts), we went to lunch, we went to the toy store, we did the grocery shopping and found more shirts for him, we went to the dollar store and started buying things for him to keep at my house and we went bowling. It was a wonderful day, in spite of the icky feelings I had from time to time about what ex was doing. But it wasn't an explosion like the last time and it was very manageable.
Also, I mentioned to Ex that I thought it would be a good idea for little man to start spending more time at my house -- at first for a whole day and eventually overnight and Ex agreed. This will be very, very good for all of us in the long run.
I hope you had a good weekend, Muffled. I can't thank you enough for your unwavering support of me.
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 2, 2007, at 19:40:16
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please, posted by I need a hug on December 1, 2007, at 23:41:40
Thanks so much, Hugs.
The day turned out pretty well -- the icky feelings came and went, but were very manageable.
Ex and I were friends for 6 years, together for 4 years and have now been broken up for over 3.5 years. Ex has been in my life for a long, long time, though. I think one of my mistakes is that after the breakup (which was my idea), we just went back to the way things were for the 6 years before we were together. Nothing else changed. And obviously, something has to change now that Ex is dating and I'm trying to. I hate change. LOL
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 2, 2007, at 19:44:31
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please, posted by Daisym on December 2, 2007, at 0:43:28
Daisy, I always love to hear your take on things. Unresolved is a good way to put it. And one of the things that has been very difficult for me is to watch the effort that Ex puts into this new relationship that was NEVER put in for me. Part of that is because we were friends for so long before we were together. But it's very, very hard to watch.
The good thoughts from you and the other Babblers worked, though. Little man and I had an awesome day (details in the post to Muffled above). And now I have confidence that I won't completely freak out every time this happens. It's so hard when there are kids involved, though. Especially in this case, when I have no legal right to the kid in question. But I think it will turn out okay. I just have some "inner work" to do, as my T puts it.
Unresolved but not devastating. That's how I'm going to think of it from now on.
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 2, 2007, at 19:46:47
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please » TherapyGirl, posted by star008 on December 2, 2007, at 7:29:49
I think you're right -- familiar is what is getting me here. We are very, very comfortable together. And this whole dating thing upsets the apple cart.
Ex is moving on and I'm trying to, too. I think it would have worked better for me if I had been the first one to date someone else. LOL
Thanks for the support, Star. I can tell you know what I'm going through.
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 2, 2007, at 19:49:21
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please, posted by rskontos on December 2, 2007, at 13:16:47
You are wise, RSK, and I'm so glad you came back.
T and I are going to keep plugging away at this. Obviously, this brings up a lot of issues for me. One of them is that Ex and little man have been the only real family I've ever known. And anything that threatens my family is hard for me. But I do think it's going to turn out okay. And I did have LOTS of fun with little man today (see post to Muffled for the details).
Thanks for the support and thanks for coming back. Obviously, we need you around here. :-)
Posted by star008 on December 3, 2007, at 8:19:09
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please » star008, posted by TherapyGirl on December 2, 2007, at 19:46:47
It would be ALOT easier if you met someone first!!
damn..lol.. I hope you do met someone perfect for you.. In the meantime think of the poor girl who is going out with him..She will go through all the same sh..t you went though..
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 3, 2007, at 20:49:36
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please » TherapyGirl, posted by star008 on December 3, 2007, at 8:19:09
You're right Star.
And I have met someone who's perfect for me -- but also unavailable.
We'll see how it all works out. T and I have a lot to talk about this week.
Posted by muffled on December 3, 2007, at 21:44:30
In reply to Re: Send good thoughts my way, please » star008, posted by TherapyGirl on December 3, 2007, at 20:49:36
This is the end of the thread.
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