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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on November 30, 2007, at 9:50:50
My T noticed it so I guess it shows outside as well as inside. I told her I was a failure for the first time in a very long time. Yes, I have a job, that puts me ahead of where I was last year at this time, but it is not where I envisioned myself to be at this age. I am not making the money I need to be making to contribute to the household.
Plus my husband said he'd like to go back to school- a two year program which means he'd be working less hours. He said "maybe when you get that high paying job." He was serious, I finished my classes in July and did apply for one job, but didn't get an interview. Frankly, I am scared to apply because as many of you know I can't handle rejection and have a long history of not getting hired. And getting fired or having mental meltdowns and being forced to quit. Hence why I am more depressed than usual.
Christmas isn't helping as it means more time with my family. I just want to go to sleep and wake up January 1st. I don't know what year, 2008 might be too soon.
Poet
Posted by Muffled on November 30, 2007, at 11:49:30
In reply to More Depressed Than Usual, posted by Poet on November 30, 2007, at 9:50:50
Poet, be extra gentle on your self.
Your a good person. This whole therapy and figgering stuff out about ourselves and why we do what we do, and how to work around our weaknessness and build on our strengths, hell, even to alloww ourselves to be weak....sigh...its alot of work.
The upcomming next 4-5 weeks are traditionally tough for a great many people....
Are you guys quite destitiute or are you able to have a decent place to live? maybe a toy or two? some perks like having a meal out or fancy coffee now and again?
Maybe spending some time enjoying what you DO have might be useful? More money does not equal happiness....
But I am one to talk! I am VERY fortunate that I was just born not really caring for 'stuff' I think, its a HUGE blessing. Its ALOT less pressure. I have a friend who lives in an affluent area and manoman, they goto have the 'right' clothes, their lawn has to be just so, they goto have a certain car, etc etc. NOT my thing! But some enjoy such I guess. Thats what makes the world interesting I guess. All the diff people.
OH heck, I seem to be RAMBLING!!!! sorry Poet. I am all discombobulated, I nave moments of cleverness, but apparently this ISN'T one of them!
But I care bout you Poet. Always love to see your name here and read your posts. So I guess i'm just trying to be a friend in my own, sometimes rather dumb way.
((Poet))
M
Posted by ClearSkies on November 30, 2007, at 13:24:11
In reply to More Depressed Than Usual, posted by Poet on November 30, 2007, at 9:50:50
I think what makes recurring depression worse is knowing that it's coming, it's here, and it is just as horrible, if not worse, than the last time. I'm not feeling so cheerful myself, so I can relate to your anticipation of harder times ahead as well.
My T has said to me that the anticipation makes the <stress> <anxiety> <depression> of it that much worse. Of course, I have been blindsided by these things too, and I can't say what's worse: knowing that the dark days are coming, or having them clobber us over the head without us being able to brace for it.
Either way, I hope that you're able to perhaps work with your T on shoring up your coping skills for this onslaught. Right now I wouldn't mind a lifeboat.
We can weather this storm together, Poet. I'm glad that you felt you could share this with us.
CS
Posted by annierose on November 30, 2007, at 13:34:13
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual » Poet, posted by ClearSkies on November 30, 2007, at 13:24:11
((((((((poet))))))))
Baby steps. You do have a job. And that is wonderful. Try not to look ahead (as hard as that is). The money in a paycheck does NOT equal the value you are as a human being.
Posted by star008 on November 30, 2007, at 16:08:05
In reply to More Depressed Than Usual, posted by Poet on November 30, 2007, at 9:50:50
It is alot of pressure to think of being the one who makes the money in the family. I hate looking for jobs.. I hate interviews.. I do ok once I have the job but it is hard to think of doing this day after day forever..,there is no one to pay the bills but me.. All alone.
I think all of us here would like to wake up some time in Jan after all the sh''''t is over
Posted by rskontos on November 30, 2007, at 16:37:23
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual, posted by star008 on November 30, 2007, at 16:08:05
Poet you probably missed my declaration of going from Oct to March since I am having a hard time with the holidays. I am sorry about your financial situation. That is tough. I think you need to stop thinking about that you don't get the jobs when you go interview. IN education, I have a teaching degree, it is called self-fulfilling prophecy. So don't think that way. Tell yourself you have a new degree and a new way to get the job done including the interview process. I don't know you all that way but from what I do know you seem like a good person. It takes alot to work on getting a degree while going through what you are. That takes strength and some future employer will see that!!!
And we all must remember this is a tough time of year.
Anyway, hang in there........Maybe a nice christmas carol....or the jazzy charlie brown music clear skies likes might help. rk
Posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2007, at 23:52:04
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual, posted by rskontos on November 30, 2007, at 16:37:23
If I have my surgery plan is to sleep for six weeks then it will be over. Phillipa
Posted by Muffled on December 1, 2007, at 14:50:30
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual, posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2007, at 23:52:04
Posted by Poet on December 1, 2007, at 16:43:23
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual » Poet, posted by Muffled on November 30, 2007, at 11:49:30
Hi Muffled,
Thank you for the hugs. You are my friend and not in any dumb way.
We are not destitute. The two of us can pay the bills, though I am supposed to pay the property tax and even with my husband helping we're still a few hundred short.
I wish he could go to school fulltime and I could pay the bills. I just don't see it happening because I will fail to get a job. My T says she admires that I went to school and I don't give up, but I am paying the mental price for not giving up.
Christmas is getting to me. My family is getting to me. You are right that many people have a hard time this time of year. Maybe my brother will run away? It's about time, he's 54. Damn him.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 1, 2007, at 16:47:00
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual » Poet, posted by ClearSkies on November 30, 2007, at 13:24:11
Hi Clearskies,
My lifeboat needs an ice breaker on it as its cold and frozen outside as well as inside my head.
I know the harder times are coming. My concentration is getting worse and I am dead tired, but still have insomnia. Worse comes to worse I'll go see Dr. Clueless, but she usually takes December off. Can't say I blame her.
I will make sure there are enough life preservers to go around.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 1, 2007, at 16:56:40
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual, posted by annierose on November 30, 2007, at 13:34:13
Hi Annierose,
It is good that I have a job. I am far worse mentally when I don't have one.
I may be falling right now, but I will keep taking those baby steps or at least crawl along.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 1, 2007, at 17:08:25
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual, posted by star008 on November 30, 2007, at 16:08:05
Hi Star008,
I have had some truly horrid interviews and some truly horrid employers.
May all this sh*t be over soon.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 1, 2007, at 17:13:07
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual, posted by rskontos on November 30, 2007, at 16:37:23
Hi RK,
This is a tough time of the year. I've got Charlie Brown Christmas on CD, I will have to dig it out. Along with John Prine's Christmas Album, with "Christmas in Prison." Nothing like turkeys and pistols carved out of wood.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 1, 2007, at 17:14:04
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual, posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2007, at 23:52:04
Hi Phillipa,
Right now I feel like sleeping until my life is over. Good like with your surgery.
Poet
Posted by rskontos on December 1, 2007, at 17:25:05
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual » rskontos, posted by Poet on December 1, 2007, at 17:13:07
Hey Poet I hear you on the family thing. I suffered through mine this Tday so none on Christmas day. But I like the turkey with pistols out of carved wood. Wonder where I can get some of that here in Indiana.
I am sorry you are still thinking you cant get a job. How about us taking your wooden pistols, and holding up a job for you.........ok now I am getting out of control. Sorry for that! I will behave, I will behave, I will behave.
I am looking up your John PRines album now. take care, poet....rk
Posted by rskontos on December 1, 2007, at 17:32:47
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual » rskontos, posted by Poet on December 1, 2007, at 17:13:07
Hi Poet,
Ok so now I get the turkeys and pistols carved out of wood, I listened to song on youtube. I think you need one with more cheer maybe but it is a nice song. Take care sweetie,
rk
Posted by antigua3 on December 2, 2007, at 7:08:11
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual » star008, posted by Poet on December 1, 2007, at 17:08:25
I'm here, and would do anything possible to help you. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly right now. I know what it feels like when you feel like you're not contributing enough to the family household, or would like to contribute more. I've been so out of it, and so far from contributing my fair share, that I feel SO guilty. But times are changing, and hopefully that situation will change, too. Like, you, I've always identified myself so strongly with my work.
Take are poet.
antigua
Posted by Daisym on December 2, 2007, at 22:38:56
In reply to Count me as a life preserver, posted by antigua3 on December 2, 2007, at 7:08:11
Me too!
I think you have really come a long way in the past year. Don't forget what it was like when you weren't working at all. And we all need to remember that we are more than the work we do - some of us use work to avoid living life - we need to find that balance of work and life. It is OK if you aren't working at the top of the ladder right now. You can climb later if you decide you want to.
Things have a way of working out - if your husband wants to go back to school, he'll figure it out. We all have constraints on things. You aren't personally responsible for that.
and the Holidays. *sigh* I'm trying but my ho, ho, ho has turned to oh, oh, oh. I'm up for running away from home - where shall we go?
Take care, my friend. I hope the depression lifts quickly.
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2007, at 3:20:50
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual » Muffled, posted by Poet on December 1, 2007, at 16:43:23
> I wish he could go to school fulltime and I could pay the bills.
As Daisy said, we all have constraints that keep us from getting what we wish for. It's ok for you to wish that, and for him to wish it, although while we're wishing, I'd wish he said it with more compassion and thoughtfulness.
I think it's great that you went to school, and that he wants to go to school, and that you seem to have confidence in him in that and want to help him achieve it. It sounds as if you're ready and willing to support him all you can. Certainly by paying all the bills if that comes to pass, but also by helping him look at possible alternatives to achieving his goal in ways that are possible right now.
Posted by Poet on December 3, 2007, at 18:04:37
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual, posted by rskontos on December 1, 2007, at 17:32:47
Hi RK,
I don't think any Christnas song can cheer me up these days. Glad you gave Christmas in Prison a listen. I am a big fan of John Prine.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 3, 2007, at 18:07:39
In reply to Count me as a life preserver, posted by antigua3 on December 2, 2007, at 7:08:11
Hi Antigua,
Keep that life preserver handy. I wish I could explain why I base self esteem on work/career, you'd think after five years in therapy I would have an answer. I wish I had the answer for you, too.
Poet hanging onto rail of sinking ship
Posted by Poet on December 3, 2007, at 18:10:37
In reply to Re: Count me as a life preserver, posted by Daisym on December 2, 2007, at 22:38:56
Hi Daisy,
Man the life preservers Poet is on a sinking emotional healthy ship.
You are right that I am worse off when I am unemployed. My T said that when she noticed I was more depressed. I see her tomorrow and I honestly can't say I feel any better. Hope she's ready for a rant on failure.
Let's escape the holidays by going to a tropical island. No Christmas trees, just palm trees and warm water.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 3, 2007, at 18:15:32
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual » Poet, posted by Dinah on December 3, 2007, at 3:20:50
Hi Dinah,
I just feel guilty because when I was unemployed I was dependant on him. I helped dig us a big financial hole and I have the education to get a better job, some experience, but zero confidence. I just wish he hadn't mentioned school while I am heading head first into depression. Not his fault.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2007, at 19:38:07
In reply to Re: More Depressed Than Usual » Dinah, posted by Poet on December 3, 2007, at 18:15:32
I understand that you feel that way.
But I know you know on some level that your feelings are influenced by many things, and that if it were someone else talking, you'd tell them something very different than you'd tell yourself.
But I also understand that knowing it and feeling it are two very different things.
:(
I hope you the depression eases. Drat your pdoc for taking off (if I'm remembering correctly).
Posted by antigua3 on December 4, 2007, at 5:03:11
In reply to Re: Count me as a life preserver » antigua3, posted by Poet on December 3, 2007, at 18:07:39
Seven years doesn't sound like a long time to me. I've been doing it my whole life and I even have children, so you'd think I would have gotten over it.
For me, work is what I do well, and I usually receive plenty of positive feedback for it, so it's natural I would feel that way. I get the feedback as a mother, but it's not the same--it's about them and not me.
So don't be so hard on yourself. Once we find that we are loveworthy in other areas, it diminishes. This means give yourself more credit for the other things in life that you do well. Like writing, for example. You are a wonderful writer, I can see that. And a wonderful person, too.
antigua
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