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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on October 16, 2007, at 23:20:56
i'm happy, but T will be gone until next Monday now.
i hope i can hang onto this from today to carry me through...
the session wasn't so great overall... he'd ask me something and i would tell him that i felt there was a wall there that prevented me from telling him. we talked about the ground lost and stuff like that.. i was disappointed...
but then he said the most amazing things...
before he left i wrote out the details of a specific "event" from my childhood. i have always felt stupid about it... like it was insignificant because of exactly how it was done... but that was part of it, to keep me quiet. Before i was about to leave he said he wanted to say something about that letter, if i was ok with doing it now with so little time left.. (ok so i wish we'd had more time) but i told him that if he didn't say whatever it was then i would fill it in with something.
so he told me that what i had wrote was powerful.. i think all my colour drained away... he asked if i minded that he said that...(???? are you kidding?!) he said that he sees all sorts of stuff, and it's only every so often that something really hits him physically and this was one of those. My heart was pounding in my ears and i wanted to cry.. i told him he didn't have to stretch it and he said no, he could really feel it and he said it was horrible.
he said it was horrible... he said it wasn't stupid at all
i cannot even begin to describe what that means.
we are limited in the language we have for emotion like this.
i was just motionless... all i could say was that was meaningful to me..
i wanted to cry, fall down..i knew he wouldn't run from the room screaming at any point, but i never expected such a deep reaction from him. This hit me like a tonne of bricks.
Posted by Phillipa on October 16, 2007, at 23:27:06
In reply to quick note... :o) (possible triggers though), posted by Dory on October 16, 2007, at 23:20:56
Dory that is great when your T fully understood what you wrote and went through and is by your side with support you must be feeling really understood. Is that how you feel? He validated your feelings. Phillipa
Posted by arora on October 17, 2007, at 6:36:29
In reply to Re: quick note... :o) (possible triggers though) » Dory, posted by Phillipa on October 16, 2007, at 23:27:06
I know exactly what you mean, Dory- I had something vaguely like that happen. It was with a woman I saw briefly, (she wasn't a T, exactly- more like an alternative kind of 'life coach').
I was telling her something from when I was a kid, that I thought sounded like it was really trivial- but when I looked at her she had tears in her eyes... I felt like the air had been knocked out of me. It was like- "OMG- this really WAS horrible, and it's ok for me to be upset about it!"
It's so powerful when somebody else doesn't just 'get it'... but they FEEL it, too.
It is a validation, I guess; can't think of any other word for it.arora
Posted by B2chica on October 17, 2007, at 8:03:24
In reply to quick note... :o) (possible triggers though), posted by Dory on October 16, 2007, at 23:20:56
wow Dory. im not even sure what to say.
that sounds like SUCH a Wonderful session!
even that you were able to talk about such an event, but to get such a kind and caring reaction from your T was great. You did SUCH good work (((Dory)))it just amazes me sometimes how the brain works. sometimes we have these things in our head that we think of as insignificant, or "not that bad", and even feel small for wanting to talk about it. and when we finally do. we discover that it WAS a bad thing to have happen, and it Was important. and Not small.
Dory it was great to hear you had such a postive experience with sharing this type of "event". its sessions like that, that help us take a step forward in healing.
super hug to you and the hard work you did.
((((((((((((((((dory)))))))))))))))))
Posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 8:42:12
In reply to Re: quick note... :o) (possible triggers though) » Dory, posted by B2chica on October 17, 2007, at 8:03:24
it is validation, T likes that word a lot. And the nail on the head, feeling that someone not just got it, but felt it.. felt just really phyiscally bad about it all. It would have been powerful regardless, but that extra bit about how he rarely gets that feeling but did this time.. well, that gets me.
B2.. don't get too excited, i didn't exactly share this in session.. i did the "drop and run" thing with a letter before he went away. He wanted to tell me that he read it and how he reacted. i cannot openly talk about that event yet.. i can give him peripheral details but i can't just say it. He knows that. It was HUGE though to even write it down completely... giving it to him made me want to puke.
i was fully prepared for a nonchalant sort of reception to it... like the not-a-big-deal rxn. i was prepared for something like "... you know, sometimes even small things can impact us in big ways.." Which is true, but it would have confirmed my belief that this was really not that bad.
i wish i hadn't been in such shock.. i remember a few sentences but not the whole thing. i want those words, every single one of them. i want to own them and hold them.
i am blown away.
i just called him and left a message... i don't know if he has left town yet or if he's here until tomorrow. i asked if he really meant it, or if he was blowing it up just to make me feel better. i told him i'd rather just know the truth. But i told him that if he did in fact mean it, please please please, then i want him to leave me a message saying more or less the same sort of thing. i said i was going to dwell on it regardless and i needed to let it sink in.
he has had some resistence to that before, which i hope we've moved past, because he wants me to try to try and examine it myself b/w sessions. He has said i can always call and ask for a call back, but he wants me to get to a point at which i look at the events or words and decide if there is evidence to support my fears or not... basically try to build more trust. i think he understands that is too big of a leap for me yet.. he does now i think.
i hope he realizes that leaving him a message is big step after him being gone, and actually **asking** for something from him again is a HUGE deal. The last time i asked for something i asked if he understood that and he said that yeah, he definitely did but had not wanted to frighten me off by bringing it up.
sometimes he really does amaze me... damn. can't care.. must not care.
Posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 10:57:25
In reply to Re: quick note... :o), posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 8:42:12
Dory, JMHO but I think he migh always want you to believe it was big. I think in a way because we live through the stuff we mimimze it to the extent that we then believe it wasn't such a big deal. I have had the same validation from my T and a dear friend who cried when I told her a 1/4 of what happened.
Just because you survived somehow doesnt mean that what you went through wasn't huge. And just because you didn't share what was actually written he probably saw all the emotions and anguish on your face while you were writing it. He might have even felt it. so you still shared it. YOu think you did the drop and run but because he got it you still shared only in a different way. Don't mimimize that as your T sounds very caring and in tune with your feeelings. I think it is ok to care about him as he sounds like a caring T that does get the pain you are in and is really trying to help. I think this was a good session you should be able to see you make tons of progress. I understand the need to more validation maybe somehow you want proof but realize that even without seeing it in writing he believes that you went a big ordeal and that is worth a lot. I think you are on your way to owning them! rk
Posted by muffled on October 17, 2007, at 11:00:55
In reply to quick note... :o) (possible triggers though), posted by Dory on October 16, 2007, at 23:20:56
Bless you Dory.
I am so glad you had that.
Its REAL its true.
You ARE worth something Dory.
My heart hurts at the deepness of your hurt.
Thinking of you.
M
Posted by B2chica on October 17, 2007, at 13:26:20
In reply to Re: quick note... :o), posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 8:42:12
don't mean to chuckle...but i am SOOOOO familiar with the "drop and run".
i can't even tell you how many times i did that with old T.
but whether you said it out loud or not you STILL shared. and please, give yourself time.1)just bringing it to the front of our mind is Very hard,
2)writing it down is impossible
3)sharing that writing is unthinkable
4)and then to talk about it? unbearable.
BUT it does happen, it will. in time...when you are ready and not a moment before.it always amazes me how much we minimize things.
but i was also told CONSTANTLY growing up that i make things bigger than they are and to just "calm down". so i grew up with no matter what happened that i should just "buck up" cuz its not that big of a deal.either way.
it WAS HUGE and you did a brave thing. and you can talk more about it, or not. next visit.
sometimes i'd give it to my old T to read and as soon as he was done i'd grab my bag and stand up and go to the door. and next visit if i felt i needed to go over it i would, otherwise i'd just tell him, i'm ok with him knowing that, but i don't want to talk about it.You did GOOD DORY!
b2c
Posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 16:15:25
In reply to Re: quick note... :o) » Dory, posted by B2chica on October 17, 2007, at 13:26:20
chuckle acknowledged... i also have to give credit to obsidian, i think it was her phrase. i stole it.
You SIT THERE while he READS it???!!! ACK! OMG you are so much braver than i. When i say drop and run i am being literal. i had it to him as i am going out the door. sometimes i drop them off b/w sessions. i often write him stuff as my way of journalling, i just write it as if i were telling him. Sometimes i give them to him and sometimes i don't. More often than not i do... but this one was different. Very different.
one thing i deeply appreciate is that he is one of those T's that doesn't object to reading stuff outside of session. If i were piling letters on him every day i think he'd say something, but one or two pages once a week or less is not so much. He says he reads them twice, once when i give it to him and once again before our session. i've never understood Ts that set a boundary there... i pay a lot of money, it's not so much of his time. i suppose though, i don't have after hours access either.
your itemized list is perfectly said.. you do have such a good way with expressing things. i hope you journal as well. i spend hours interrogating myself on paper really.
part of the event itself was geared toward minimalizing... teaching us that we should never talk about it.
Posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 16:20:45
In reply to Re: quick note... :o), posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 10:57:25
i didn't think he'd change his mind about it being big... i just didn't know if he really meant it was as big as it sounded. and i didn't write it in front of him.. oh god no. nope. no way that would happen. i wrote it at home and basically shoved it at him as i darted out the door.
i don't know what to make of him. He doesn't add up.
thank you for caring RK. it matters, the more times someone cares the more chances that maybe it will sink in someday.
Posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 16:44:13
In reply to Re: quick note... :o) (possible triggers though) » Dory, posted by muffled on October 17, 2007, at 11:00:55
i've been thinking about you kiddo.. hope you're ok. i don't know what real is yet. so much to figure out. so much that is confusing.
Posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 21:28:17
In reply to Re: quick note... :o) » rskontos, posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 16:20:45
Well the fact you gave it too him as you darted is big. It was a private and personal thing you shared with him. He should know how big that is. I can tell it affected you in a big way.
How doesn't he add up exactly?
And yes I do care and I will keep on saying how worthy you are until it does sink in. We all need this support. This place is helping me stay sane. rk
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