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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by RealMe on October 10, 2007, at 1:43:47
Therapy different on Tuesday morning. I talked about how my past seems like a million years away right now as if I am looking at a movie and am detached from it all. I can see I am there, but I have no emotion about my past. Don't know if that makes sense, but it is one way I protect myself when I really need to focus on work and cannot allow myself to be overwhelmed by emotions.
One thing I was telling him about was re when I first started developing all sorts of physical things in 2005 and how I was evaluating someone and started to have chest pains and then into my neck and jaw. I finished the evaluation in condirable pain and then decided I better drive my self to the nearest acute care center as I thought I was having a heart attack. I said I did not want to call an ambulence as it would be so embarrassing to be carried away on a stretcher at the court complex. So I drove. My T started laughing and shaking his head and I was laughing as I told the story. He could not stop laughing and I said something to the effect that I thought I would rather die than be embarrassed. Then he said something about it. He got serious and then started laughing again (as obviously I am alive) when I got to the acute care place, they read the EKG wrong and thought they better get me to the hospital ASAP. So, they get an ambulence (my fisrt and hopefully last time in an ambulence), and they are taking me away, and I am saying, "But what about my car?" "I can't just leave it here." They tell me I can and that my husband can get it later, and I am saying but he will have to come in the other car to get this car; thay won't work. So T is laughing, and so am I. I was not having a heart attack, but apparently they did see something, and the cardiologist did a cardiac catheterization. Found no problems with the arteries. Yeah. Turned out to be GERD to go along with my newly diagnosed COPD and then sleep apnea. It was funny, though, and I have never seen him laugh like that. I was just chatting away, and then he says to me that it seems I am feeling more comfortable with him, and I said yes today I am. He nodded understanding. I then told him about an evaluation I will be doing that is so close to home with the persons and events as to be spooky. I almost teared up, and again he brought up about how it is remarkable that I can do the job I do, given the population and my history. He thinks it would be hard for anyone. I had said I miss doing therapy but that I don't think it would be a good idea at this time, and he agreed. That sort of hurt even though I have said it all along. I know I am having too many ups and downs.
So then tonight too after being up since 4 a.m., my women's group was meeting at my house, and I had to get home and get ready for the mostly 7 to 9 get together. Well they did not leave until 10:30 p.m. and I was going Sh*t as I had a report to finish for court for Wednesday morning. I don't like to do that either--have something so last minute. But I finished it, and now I must go to bed. Just wanted to share.
I guess you could say I am in my survivor mode, and T did not try to urge me out of it today, and I am thankful. After therapy, though, I felt rather sad as I was thinking how all this is really impacting on me more than I thought it would--therapy. I don't want to waste sessions which is how I thought of it, but I know that is not true as the way things went allowed me to feel more comfortable with him and less like I wanted to keep him at double arms length.
RealMe
Posted by antigua3 on October 10, 2007, at 5:22:38
In reply to Therapy Tuesday a.m. light and then sad too, posted by RealMe on October 10, 2007, at 1:43:47
Hang in there; sometimes we need those lighter sessions to keep us going. But good work was being done nonetheless.
When I'm working, I'm focused and usually able to keep my "problems" at bay. That's why I like to work so much. But then I get obsessed. I'm not working nearly enough right now, so I have more time to focus on myself, unfortunately.
I do that all the time. I detatch myself from my feelings in T, but I'm trying so hard not to.
take care,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 8:29:53
In reply to Re: Therapy Tuesday a.m. light and then sad too, posted by antigua3 on October 10, 2007, at 5:22:38
oooh honey...that sounded scary for you...
BUT i am right there with you!.
a few years ago i had exact same thing, i could barely even breath my chest hurt so bad and felt like my heart was doing flip-flops!
but it was GERD, a few days on nexium and viola...better.
although that stuff is $$$, my DH uses prilosec OTC and he says it works good for him.and sometimes, i like that 'survivor mode'. it blocks everything else out and you focus on minutiae.
Posted by sunnydays on October 10, 2007, at 8:43:01
In reply to Therapy Tuesday a.m. light and then sad too, posted by RealMe on October 10, 2007, at 1:43:47
Glad you checked that stuff out. My mom actually ended up having a heart attack because the doctors kept telling her it was GERD and she was too young to be having a heart attack when it really was a heart attack. Always good to be on the safe side.
I understand the wasted session feeling. The light sessions feel so good when we're there, but then it feels like we wish we could have had some emotion and deeper connection at the same time. But you know it wasn't wasted.
Good luck,
sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on October 10, 2007, at 9:10:46
In reply to Therapy Tuesday a.m. light and then sad too, posted by RealMe on October 10, 2007, at 1:43:47
I like those light sessions, and I think they serve an important function in terms of bonding.
I kept Tuesday's session light too. I just reported some things I had figured out about my feelings on his upcoming trip that had helped me be less angry about it. But it was just reporting. I didn't want to go into it because I am being really productive at work right now and didn't want to mess that up.
I did manage to irritate him a bit, I think. And we talked briefly about something I just found out about but that happened a while back, and he said that if it happened today he'd have just asked me about it as it happened because our relationship has come a long way since then. That felt good, and reassuring.
I sleep with a CPAP and a Ranitidine myself. I know how painful it can be. I'm glad you had it checked out.
Posted by happyflower on October 10, 2007, at 9:53:11
In reply to Re: Therapy Tuesday a.m. light and then sad too » RealMe, posted by Dinah on October 10, 2007, at 9:10:46
WOw, how scarey, I am glad you are okay.
Light session are good I think, they are helping me bond with my new T I think.
I responded to you today on a post way above about my friend who is a T. I am actually really proud of you! ;-) Keep up the good work.
Posted by Phillipa on October 10, 2007, at 21:55:57
In reply to Re: Therapy Tuesday a.m. light and then sad too, posted by happyflower on October 10, 2007, at 9:53:11
Yes heart attacks in women are not the same as men. Indigestion, back pain not so much chestpain. Had a angiogram for CP last summer. I'm hoping for light session myself with new T. Phillipa
Posted by RealMe on October 10, 2007, at 23:01:37
In reply to Therapy Tuesday a.m. light and then sad too, posted by RealMe on October 10, 2007, at 1:43:47
Thanks everyone; I still have to laugh at how my T was laughing and shaking his head, and saying he couldn't belive it that I would drive myself to the acute care facility and risk death rather than have an ambulence come and get me because that would be so embarrassing. He is in a 12 or so story building, and so when I could not stop laughing either, I said to him, "Well would you want an ambulence to come here and take you away to the hospital; wouldn't you find it embarrassing?" Well of course he did not answer which said to me that yes he would be embarrassed, and this is part of the reason why he could not stop laughing--because he could identify with the feeling.
Otherwise, yes sessions like this do help to bond and to feel more comfortable, and so I try to tell myself it was not a waste, but I know and said to him too that it will be a move closer, back away, move closer, back away situation. It isn't as if we passed some turning point, and he agreed. I have a tendency to freak if I feel closeness too intensely as then I start to feel vulnerable. So, he knows this too, that I will try to push him away again and likely more than once before all is said and done. I just try to keep in mind that when I get angry with him, what is this about--me, him, both of us, none of the above??? So, thanks again to all. It is nice to have others understand and to be able to appreciate what it feels like too.
RealMe
Posted by muffled on October 10, 2007, at 23:25:21
In reply to Re: Thanks and I am still laughing, posted by RealMe on October 10, 2007, at 23:01:37
Posted by Dory on October 11, 2007, at 20:07:37
In reply to Re: Thanks and I am still laughing, posted by RealMe on October 10, 2007, at 23:01:37
i'm with those who think the it's important. i find that the lighter sessions actually feel more useful to me. When things are light-hearted my walls are lowered and i am more vulnerable (except of course when i am deliberately using humour as a defense). It gives my T a chance to see parts of me i don't otherwise show. If he is on the ball that day, and he usually is, he can very easily glean information from me without raising those walls back up. i often find the sessions immediately after a light session useful too, because i had been relaxed about defending myself. It wears off eventually
sorry about the whole medical emergency though... what did you do about the car?
Posted by RealMe on October 11, 2007, at 22:04:54
In reply to Re: Thanks and I am still laughing » RealMe, posted by Dory on October 11, 2007, at 20:07:37
My husband went with the old car to pick up our newer car, and left the old car in the parking lot. Then, when I got out of the hospital, we went and picked up the old car, and we each drove a car home. Crazy huh.
RealMe
Posted by rskontos on October 12, 2007, at 11:48:38
In reply to Re: Thanks and I am still laughing » Dory, posted by RealMe on October 11, 2007, at 22:04:54
Part of me would have been mortified he laughed at me but then I take myself too seriously so I think you are wonderful to have laughed with him. I can't wait to get to the point at therapy where we can have the lighter sessions. Mine are still so heavy that I want to be able to have a place where I could go and check out a different brain just for a while for some peace. I would return it I guess but for right now I just wish I could escape you know so lighter sessions would be so nice. I am thrilled for you. I see your point. I would not have wanted that either and it was great he admitted it too. Nice point to come to in a T relationship I think.
I think when it always so heavy we come to dread T so to have lighter sessions have merit as well. JMHO. I think you did make some great progress but again my humble opinion. rk
Posted by RealMe on October 12, 2007, at 21:43:16
In reply to Re: Thanks and I am still laughing, posted by rskontos on October 12, 2007, at 11:48:38
Well, yes I see your point. I was laughing, and so when he started laughing and shaking his head, I knew he could identify with what I was going through. And I said, "what?" "So I know it is silly to decide I would rather be dead than be embarrassed." I think he saw himself in handling things that way and realized just then how absurd. Of course I would rather not be dead, and neither would he, but the actions convey that message.
Well I have been seeing this T since the first of May, and so it has not been that long. I had a really good therapist years ago and one that really did not know how to do therapy just before this T. So, yes and no that I can have lighter sessions. To a certain extent they are avoidance, but he pointed out to me that he views it as me feeling more comfortable with him which is true. Being angry was my way of pushing him away because I am not comfortable at all with emotional closeness. It scares the hell out of me.
So, my T said something today about his sense that I am feeling more comfortable with him, and I agreed but said now I just feel sad which is true--sad and lonely. The child part in me is more there for me to feel her feelings with him, and I don't really want to. It is too painful. I may have made everyone part of me years ago, but I have avoided the feelings. The angry part of me is from my teens too. Sometimes I think I would rather they were still seperate entities. But now to deal with the feelings which I avoided before.
Problem is that feeling closer to someone emotionally then leads to sexual feelings as this was the only way to have "closeness." Of course it was not really closeness. In therapy today, I started to sob from the deepest core of me, and now just sadness.
I have some physical stuff going on right now too, and that always leaves me feeling vulnerable. This therapy is an up and down process for a time. You could have a "light" session I suppose if you decided ahead of time to talk about some of the funniest experiences in your life that you recall. We all have something. Don't make it all so serious or therapy will start to feel abusive too. Tell T if nothing else that you need some lighter sessions and why. I will keep in touch. And thanks for your response.
RealMe
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