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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by RealMe on October 5, 2007, at 19:41:45
Yes Joni, you are correct. My T has no intention of abandoning me and is glad I tell him when I am angry. We talked about my anger toward my father for being physically absent and not protective, and we talked about my mother and how she was not there for me and left me vulnerable to the threat of death repeatedly and her death too. She did some crazy stuff that was quite mentally abusive and that was crazy making. So, in addition to the abuse, there was all this other stuff going on too--no one to count on and looking for affection and started to confuse it with sex from a very, very young age, like age 7 to 8.
He has been giving a lot of thought to my total melt down starting with his comment about "servicing men." He told me he has a patient he has been seeing long-term with severe early sexual abuse issues too, and she said the other day to him something about "servicing men" referring to feeling like she was a slave in a lot of ways. I said she should not think of herself that way, and i explained why and how come it bothered me so much when he used that term with me. He understands now and said he had thought it was a way of describing things given that his other patient talks about being used and abused and like a slave with the term "servicing men." He agreed with me that perhaps she needs to think about it differently.
So then, OMG, we started to talk about how I wanted affection later in life too and would end up having sex with guys even if I only saw them once. I wanted "affection" as a child and got "attention" through sex. So, I told him that no, I had never had sexual feelings for my T from Menninger's, that I had more of a wish for him to be my father. And, my last T, no did not have sexual feelings for him either. Never have for a therapist but did for a nursing staff, and I thought he would keep what I told him confidential. What a duffice. Of course it was shared with the team and my doctor and therapist, etc. UGH.
So, I told my T today that I had been feelign like I wanted to sit next to him and have him put his arm around me and tell me it was going to be okay. Nothing sexual, just comfort, and then I said I got really upset becuase thinking about that, I start to have sexual fantasies about him, and then I got really upset because everything seems to get spoiled by sexual feelings. I said maybe this is my way of pushing him away, getting angry with him, and he agreed. If I get angry, then I keep him at arms length.
He asked me too about Menninger's and what was helpful there, and I said well it was different first of all because I was inpatient to begin with, and what I worked on was integration of the parts and being less reactive and emotional. I said I could go back and see what I did to reign in my emotions, and he said no, that I have become suicidal and he does not want me to get worse. (he said this because I told him that I had thought about going out and finding someone, not my husband, to have sex with. This is not me to do such a thing, but it was on my mind, and he said no. So, I am glad sort of that he is "forbidding me" so to speak. He was very kind too, and he said he was sorry about my pain, and I said I did not want him to feel badly too, and he was surprised by that, and so I don't know why I said this as he is trying to be there with me. I think because it scares me. When I left, he opened the door, and I stayed as wide from him as possible going out the door. I think he noticed. He also said something about my getting angry with him as my way of protecting hime too; not sure I understand that completely, but I feel better after today even though the sexual feelings toward him are out on the table now--so embarrassing.
RealMe
Posted by JoniS on October 5, 2007, at 20:04:02
In reply to Re: Therapy good - OMG, said things **trigger*, posted by RealMe on October 5, 2007, at 19:41:45
Way to go RealMe! I'm so glad you were able to talk about those difficult things and it helped. Great job! Coast on that for a while. :)
Have a good weekend!
Joni
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on October 5, 2007, at 21:13:40
In reply to Re: Therapy good - OMG, said things **trigger*, posted by RealMe on October 5, 2007, at 19:41:45
Good Stuff RMe,
you're doing really good stuff, two steps forward one step back.sorry you've hit a rough patch
hugs?
-Ll
Posted by RealMe on October 6, 2007, at 10:56:49
In reply to Re: Therapy good - OMG, said things **trigger*, posted by RealMe on October 5, 2007, at 19:41:45
Thanks Joni and Lurpsie; I am trying; I don't want to be in therapy again for years, and so I sometimes push myself too hard. T agrees. He wants me to think about what works for me when I start to get overwhelmed. I need to do what I used to be able to do and that is to set things aside until the next session. This means, I guess, I better journal about the session right away as otherwise it will be gone within days; thanks ECT.
T thought it might be more depression than ECT, but I said I recall going to court to testify in a case and was on the stand for three half-days and was able to handle it fine even though it was one week before I did ECT. I was profoundly depressed and yet it was not like my working memory was messed up like it is now. I do a lot to compensate. As the ECT doc said, smarter people have cognitive reserve and though I have probably lost IQ points, I am still smarter than most people. GEE what comfort. I don't think so.
So, if I read a new book, I don't remember what I read from chapter to chapter. One book I am reading is a Garrison Keillor book; very funny and all, but I read a chapter a night, and by the next night I don't remember what I read. It's okay with this book as I don't have to remember chapter to chapter to be able to enjoy the book.
Thank God I am done with all my schooling. Now it's just a matter of "compensating." This leaves me very depressed, however, as I thought it was getting better, but it isn't really.
RealMe
Posted by vwoolf on October 6, 2007, at 14:44:49
In reply to Re: Therapy good, but working memory stinks, posted by RealMe on October 6, 2007, at 10:56:49
Dear RealMe
Thanks very much for your recent posts. A couple of things really resonated, one about servicing men, the other about memory.
This week my T also described my relationship with my H as servicing. I nearly jumped out of my chair, because I remembered your words, and I wondered if she had been reading Babble. Then I realized that it is something that happens often with women who have been sexually abused as children, and that this is a word that T's use to describe it. We have such low self esteem, tied in to sexual issues, that we are prepared to service men in every way they desire. It is not a judgment, merely a description of what we do.
It seems that I have spent all my life fulfilling men's needs, without any concern for my own. I was bred to it. First my father from age 2, then step-brother, arbitrary male acquaintances and university professors. Even my psychiatrist. It became rape at certain points, I now realize, although I didn’t call it that at the time. I was just doing what they wanted of me.
And finally my H. I felt so humbled by the fact that he would love me, with a past like mine, that I was prepared to do anything for him. Sexually of course, but in every other way as well, including cutting his toenails, providing for him financially, cooking three course meals every night, servicing his friends etc.
It has left me feeling worthless, and him entitled, but basically powerless and dependent. It has been unhealthy all round.
It is only this week, after seeing your post and hearing my T’s words, that it has all finally made sense to me. It has become very clear. So thank you. I understand this is still difficult for you to live with, but it makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks again.
And although it feels quite drastic, I have stopped servicing my H. Full stop. He doesn’t know what has hit him. He certainly doesn’t like it. This may end in separation, it may not. It has taken me many years of therapy to reach this point of self esteem, so that I believe I am good enough to deserve better. In fact I know I deserve a lot better, and can give it to myself. And I will. I hope you are also able to reach this understanding at some point.
As far as memory, ECT and reading are concerned, I also had ECT about 30 years ago and have blamed it on my poor memory ever since. But when I started therapy four years ago, and was deeply depressed, I found that I could not remember a thing I read from one day to the next, sometimes from one line to the next, and this had never happened to me before, not even at the time of the ECT. Reading has improved now, although I still struggle a little at times. But it was clearly the depression that was having this effect. So don’t panic.
Warmly
Vee
Posted by RealMe on October 6, 2007, at 15:04:28
In reply to Re: Therapy good, but working memory stinks » RealMe, posted by vwoolf on October 6, 2007, at 14:44:49
Thanks so much for your respone. I just feel badly that you think you "serviced" anyone as a child. They abused you and apparently continued including husband. What would you know about your own needs at age two. You would not. So, while I can see how one comes to that view of one's self, it wasn't us; it was them. Our motives were different. We wanted love and affection the way any child would want.
Well I am glad you have stopped some things. You do deserve better as do we all. I had 7 ECT treatments in March of this year, and I feel less depressed but worse with memory than I did before the ECT. Anyway, good for you with H. We aren't doormats; I used to act like that too but had good therapy in the 1980's, and I cured myself of the poor self-esteem. It's just that I sealed off the abuse stuff that is now coming up and making me depressed. Who would have thought!!!! Take care.
RealMe
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