Posted by vwoolf on October 6, 2007, at 14:44:49
In reply to Re: Therapy good, but working memory stinks, posted by RealMe on October 6, 2007, at 10:56:49
Dear RealMe
Thanks very much for your recent posts. A couple of things really resonated, one about servicing men, the other about memory.
This week my T also described my relationship with my H as servicing. I nearly jumped out of my chair, because I remembered your words, and I wondered if she had been reading Babble. Then I realized that it is something that happens often with women who have been sexually abused as children, and that this is a word that T's use to describe it. We have such low self esteem, tied in to sexual issues, that we are prepared to service men in every way they desire. It is not a judgment, merely a description of what we do.
It seems that I have spent all my life fulfilling men's needs, without any concern for my own. I was bred to it. First my father from age 2, then step-brother, arbitrary male acquaintances and university professors. Even my psychiatrist. It became rape at certain points, I now realize, although I didn’t call it that at the time. I was just doing what they wanted of me.
And finally my H. I felt so humbled by the fact that he would love me, with a past like mine, that I was prepared to do anything for him. Sexually of course, but in every other way as well, including cutting his toenails, providing for him financially, cooking three course meals every night, servicing his friends etc.
It has left me feeling worthless, and him entitled, but basically powerless and dependent. It has been unhealthy all round.
It is only this week, after seeing your post and hearing my T’s words, that it has all finally made sense to me. It has become very clear. So thank you. I understand this is still difficult for you to live with, but it makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks again.
And although it feels quite drastic, I have stopped servicing my H. Full stop. He doesn’t know what has hit him. He certainly doesn’t like it. This may end in separation, it may not. It has taken me many years of therapy to reach this point of self esteem, so that I believe I am good enough to deserve better. In fact I know I deserve a lot better, and can give it to myself. And I will. I hope you are also able to reach this understanding at some point.
As far as memory, ECT and reading are concerned, I also had ECT about 30 years ago and have blamed it on my poor memory ever since. But when I started therapy four years ago, and was deeply depressed, I found that I could not remember a thing I read from one day to the next, sometimes from one line to the next, and this had never happened to me before, not even at the time of the ECT. Reading has improved now, although I still struggle a little at times. But it was clearly the depression that was having this effect. So don’t panic.
Warmly
Vee
poster:vwoolf
thread:787133
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070929/msgs/787281.html