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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on September 22, 2007, at 10:17:11
stress and pain and not understanding myself
not understanding who i am or why i am
not understanding the deep pain or the deep anger
just trying to put one foot in front of the other
my T says it makes perfect sense that i would be hurting now
confused and in pain
he said it's because of what i am trying to sort through
with him
and all the things around me
they keep me trapped
they hurt
they make me want to not be alive anymore
they make me want to stop suffering
they make me afraid
of myself
of others
they make me run away
make me hide in the darki hate myself
hate me and don't know why
don't know why i wouldn't
don't know what is good in me
all i see is bad
all i see is wrong
what i feel is stupid and wrongbe me
don't be me
hate myselfso confused
i try
i really try
lashing tearing pushing angry
crying
alone
Posted by muffled on September 22, 2007, at 13:18:19
In reply to pain and life, posted by Dory on September 22, 2007, at 10:17:11
That was amazingly written Dory.
Hope you can chill some.
You not so alone....others know some how you feel.
Its sucks, but you can learn to cope, and make the best of things.
Your not so alone, not really.....
Your T gonna help you thru this too.
And babble can help.
Ya, its harder than hell once you start looking at 'stuff'.
Scares the freaking crap outta me....:-(
Thinking of you.
M
Posted by Dory on September 22, 2007, at 17:22:34
In reply to Re: pain and life » Dory, posted by muffled on September 22, 2007, at 13:18:19
"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
thnx. trapped in a lot of self-hatred right now.
i'm more calm
fed the birds
walked my dogs
animals understand me
i understand them
i'm not like real people
it's not the same in herebut i am not so upset
not so flipped out
yesterday/last night was bad
the last few days have been a strain
life has been kinda hard
a lot going on
but it doesn't matter"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy." -Jim Rohn
Posted by LLurpsieNoodlE on September 22, 2007, at 19:46:33
In reply to Re: pain and life » muffled, posted by Dory on September 22, 2007, at 17:22:34
Dory, I'm glad you were able to find a few places of peace. Animals can be great solace :)
I'm sorry that things have been rough- hang in there
-Ll
Posted by Dory on September 22, 2007, at 21:17:45
In reply to Re: pain and life » Dory, posted by LLurpsieNoodlE on September 22, 2007, at 19:46:33
thank you Ll... and what happened to your name?! Makes me wanna say Llllll-urpsie noodLLLLLLLe Did you need to change it?
but thanks for responding. it makes me feel a little less alone in the world. My dogs are everything. Without them i wouldn't be here. They love me no matter what. i can be a complete *ss and they don't seem to mind one bit.
Posted by Dory on September 23, 2007, at 13:35:02
In reply to pain and life, posted by Dory on September 22, 2007, at 10:17:11
i am having such a hard time physically. It's driving me nuts, making me irritable and not so great to be around. i am in pain and i can't seem to shake the tiredness. It seems i am having an allergic reaction to *something* but i don't know what... i have my hepafilter on max, i swept and vac'd just yesterday. It's a little dusty here, but nothing is stirring it up. i had an allergy test done and i know they can't test for everything but i can't think of anything in my environment which didn't get tested. Highly reactive to dust but not moulds or anything... only plant one is maple pollen and that's gone now.
i feel awful. :o(
i have so much to do. i have several proposals to write and a huge pile of difficult sociology/political theory to read. i need groceries and to go to wallyworld. Coulda shoulda woulda. i already know i'll end up having to sleep most of the day away. :o(
it's no excuse but it's hard to be giving and be friendly or anything when i struggle just to get through the day. i have been feeling like i need a good cry but nothing happens. i just sit there.
i want to invite people over, for dinner, or have a little party... but i know i can;t count on having the strength to do it. Being social is a real effort for me.
i see my pdoc tomorrow and i am not looking forward to it. Since he and my GP are on the war path i dread seeing either of them.
i see T tomorrow morning and i'm not wanting to do that either. i feel really pressured. i had a bad incident happen on Friday which threw me into a bad place... and i gave in and left a message. i know that's the first thing he'll say.. but i don't want to talk about it anymore.
i can't really see how i can talk about anything significant in an hour. Seriously. i can;t even just describe a lot of this in an hour. How the f*ck does anyone *do* this? i mean, especially the past stuff... how can you explain any of the horrible sh*t that happened? In an hour? Please. If he was unwilling to read my letters outside our hour i don't know what i would do.
ok.. going back to feeling like poo.. :o(
Posted by RealMe on September 23, 2007, at 23:22:39
In reply to i feel like freeze-dried poo, posted by Dory on September 23, 2007, at 13:35:02
Dory
I am so sorry about the pain. I don't think too many people know how it is to be in constant pain and on top of it have the emotional issues too. For me, I sometimes want to cry too and can't.
Went to niece's baby shower, and I could not figure out how to get there. I had to study and study the map, but still I was so disoriented with the directions. This is one of the fine afereffects from ECT done on the right side of my brain. I just started crying in the car, and then I had to pull it together fast as I did not want to have an accident. I should feel good that I got there only 10 minutes late because I missed a turn. But, I had to constantly look at the map. It became clear to me from this and another incident when I got home that my short term memory is not okay as much as I thought, and I reflected on some things from work that I would just make a joke about it to cover. Having a few brains in your head I guess is a blessing. I am feeling really depressed again. This really threw me. I was feeling pretty good and wanted to tell T I didn't need to deal with past stuff. Now, I don't know if I want to; probably need to but who wants to. Like you, Dory, the pain sometimes is more than one can bear. I need to call my neurosurgeon to see what happend with the tests and x-rays. Another aftereffect from ECT--back to spinal pain, constant, wake me up in three hours because of the pain, type of pain. Enough. We need to give ourselves a break, I guess, and just say I needed this, and it is okay.
RealMe
Okay; I hope this goes through. For some reason I had to re-register as the message said something about my email address. Been using the same email address for forever. Whatever. Hope this goes throgh
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