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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on July 26, 2007, at 9:07:34
Update...
wow..had an unbelievable session.
i'm still a little "sore" emotionally about it. but for once...i talked about painful stuff and i think...i think i'm actually a little better for it.
my DH actually was able to watch the little one so i went alone to session...which means it got a lot deeper...i think i'm glad.she asked if my being alone changed how the session was going to go...i at first said i wasn't sure, but then i said yes..yes it does. she said she wanted me to 'direct' how the session went but then i started to tear up and just said i didn't know...i didn't even know where to start.
so then we started talking about the trigger, what happened..what i was feeling...
and it started off typical B2chica (surface info) and all of a sudden i just started BAWLING and i just 'vomited' up a bunch of emotions. i actually told her that not only that i was scared and unsure of talking to her about abuse but also why. about how i feel that my abuse is not as "legitimate" as if it had been my father or uncle or some such. that i felt she would look at me with shame and think it's my fault or that i encouraged some of it. that even though she may not say anything that she would nonetheless judge me and think i was sick and bad.
then she pointedly asked who's feelings i was projecting onto her...i at first said mine..but then an emotion got stronger and stronger and i blurted out 'my mother's!" under tears and blubberyness (even a word?) i was able to tell her that i had at one time tried to tell my mother what was going on, that it was met with disapproval and how i was informed i had to do just what my 'abuser' told me to do, that he was in charge. and if he hurt me then i shouldn't provoke him...etc.we kept talking but i started to dissociate in and out...she kept asking me what happened...'where i went' and i tried to describe to her what happened and how i try to 'get out of it'.
now i think the biggest thing for me was...i actually told her some of the things that happens when i get that low. i never even told old T about that. i talked a bit about babble and some things people here helped me with, like learning about creating a 'safe place'. and later on at one point she wanted me to go to my safe place that i had earlier talked about but i told her i couldn't because 'they would follow me in'...see, when i get in a 'bad place' there is a presence around me...usually more than one. if i would have gone to my safe place then, they would have followed me there and then it would never be safe again...the same with 'pulling me out' i told her i couldn't come back yet because they were there, they'd follow me out. then they'd be with me...
i know it's kinda f#cked up. but there it is... you know i once tested really high in both schizoid and schizotypal PD...so whether it be that, psychotic depression, or Whathave you. i'd never even told exT that. i was too scared to.
so even though i feel really stupid for telling her...i also feel good that i did. i want her to understand why i do what i do.but for the ending. she asked what i did to get out (bring me back)...it had been so long since i needed to i couldn't remember, (and btw..pretty much the ENTIRE session i was crying) i kept talking...trying to figure out...then it hit me. there was a song that ALWYAS-- ALWAYS works for me. she got on youtube immediately brought it up and let me listen...it takes really the whole song before i'm better. it wasn't really acceptable time, but it was long enough for me to at least be 'present' again.
she wanted to see me sooner than my next scheduled appt., so we made it for next week. she knows i have financial problems right now...and offered to wave the copay...on the one hand i was Very relieved that she offered this...cuz i know i do need help. but it also kinda makes me feel like...well, like cr@p. that i'm so messed up that i need this...but the truth is i do.******************
now, the last part...when i went to leave our session had gone about 15min past, and when i left her office, i have to walk through the small waiting room to leave out of her suite, my T was right behind me. her next client was waiting and i had to walk right past her and just as i went past her she loudly said to T, was my appt at 1:45? i thought that's what it was....
ok, to make me REALLY feel like cr@p.
now i was out the door before i heard my T say any kind of reply... but you know, i know its frustrating when a doc is late, i've been there for a xx appt time and had to wait 10-15 extra minutes...but i've never said anything like that...especially infront of her OBVIOUSLY previous client! cuz i know that sometimes they run late....it happens. if it happened a lot i'd say something but with her its only happened a couple times.
well...it just really made me feel like cr@p.so overall, yesterday was really long, draining. but i think this is the first time where i might actually see a good reason to maybe get back into this stuff.
b2c
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 26, 2007, at 13:54:23
In reply to Yesterday's Session, posted by B2chica on July 26, 2007, at 9:07:34
You probably don't want to hear this, but WAY TO GO, B2. Your description of the session is hard to read, but you were so courageous. And your T handled it well.
And just forget about the next client. She'll get over herself.
Hope you're doing something nice for yourself today.
Posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 21:49:43
In reply to Yesterday's Session, posted by B2chica on July 26, 2007, at 9:07:34
Oh gosh; starting backwards. The person will live like we all have when a therapist is late. I have to walk past the next person everytime I leave my T, and I hate it especially if I have been crying.
Do I ever know what you went through. When I had the one session, I was blubbering and sobbing uncontrollably, and that is just not me. I think I feel okay about it with this therapist though. He knows me as competent as well, and he is experienced in the area and so there it is.
The thing is that it feels like being psychotic, but really it is all part of dissociating. I sometimes call it psychotic becasue that is how it feels to me to have these parts that are me but seem separate. Before they did not even seem like part of me and were not aware of the other parts. Now I know it is me, and it seems weird to see myself in my mind at another age and yet know it is me and know and see me as that little girl and how she felt rather than to become her. As far as safety is concerned, that is really important, and I have yet to figure out how to feel safe--no safe place that I can think of. So, I need to develop something in my mind. My therapist thus far has been able to bring me back to the present, and that is something that does scare me; what if he can't. He makes me look at him and listen and then talks very softly but very directly and starts to say all manner of positive things and won't let me drift off.
You know; sometimes I wonder about this, and of course I say so to my therapist--lets just forget it. And he reminds me that I opened the box that had been shut for some 10 years, and so I might as well stop trying to shut it in the box again. Besides it doen't work.
I hope you can be okay with the no co-pay and extra time if you need it. I had that at Menninger's when I was outpatient, and I am so glad or I would be in even worse shape. If you let the guilt consume you, then you will not be able to take advantage of the situation. That is how it is. You will be avoiding taking advantage of a good thing. Please don't do that.
OzLand
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