Posted by B2chica on July 26, 2007, at 9:07:34
Update...
wow..had an unbelievable session.
i'm still a little "sore" emotionally about it. but for once...i talked about painful stuff and i think...i think i'm actually a little better for it.
my DH actually was able to watch the little one so i went alone to session...which means it got a lot deeper...i think i'm glad.she asked if my being alone changed how the session was going to go...i at first said i wasn't sure, but then i said yes..yes it does. she said she wanted me to 'direct' how the session went but then i started to tear up and just said i didn't know...i didn't even know where to start.
so then we started talking about the trigger, what happened..what i was feeling...
and it started off typical B2chica (surface info) and all of a sudden i just started BAWLING and i just 'vomited' up a bunch of emotions. i actually told her that not only that i was scared and unsure of talking to her about abuse but also why. about how i feel that my abuse is not as "legitimate" as if it had been my father or uncle or some such. that i felt she would look at me with shame and think it's my fault or that i encouraged some of it. that even though she may not say anything that she would nonetheless judge me and think i was sick and bad.
then she pointedly asked who's feelings i was projecting onto her...i at first said mine..but then an emotion got stronger and stronger and i blurted out 'my mother's!" under tears and blubberyness (even a word?) i was able to tell her that i had at one time tried to tell my mother what was going on, that it was met with disapproval and how i was informed i had to do just what my 'abuser' told me to do, that he was in charge. and if he hurt me then i shouldn't provoke him...etc.we kept talking but i started to dissociate in and out...she kept asking me what happened...'where i went' and i tried to describe to her what happened and how i try to 'get out of it'.
now i think the biggest thing for me was...i actually told her some of the things that happens when i get that low. i never even told old T about that. i talked a bit about babble and some things people here helped me with, like learning about creating a 'safe place'. and later on at one point she wanted me to go to my safe place that i had earlier talked about but i told her i couldn't because 'they would follow me in'...see, when i get in a 'bad place' there is a presence around me...usually more than one. if i would have gone to my safe place then, they would have followed me there and then it would never be safe again...the same with 'pulling me out' i told her i couldn't come back yet because they were there, they'd follow me out. then they'd be with me...
i know it's kinda f#cked up. but there it is... you know i once tested really high in both schizoid and schizotypal PD...so whether it be that, psychotic depression, or Whathave you. i'd never even told exT that. i was too scared to.
so even though i feel really stupid for telling her...i also feel good that i did. i want her to understand why i do what i do.but for the ending. she asked what i did to get out (bring me back)...it had been so long since i needed to i couldn't remember, (and btw..pretty much the ENTIRE session i was crying) i kept talking...trying to figure out...then it hit me. there was a song that ALWYAS-- ALWAYS works for me. she got on youtube immediately brought it up and let me listen...it takes really the whole song before i'm better. it wasn't really acceptable time, but it was long enough for me to at least be 'present' again.
she wanted to see me sooner than my next scheduled appt., so we made it for next week. she knows i have financial problems right now...and offered to wave the copay...on the one hand i was Very relieved that she offered this...cuz i know i do need help. but it also kinda makes me feel like...well, like cr@p. that i'm so messed up that i need this...but the truth is i do.******************
now, the last part...when i went to leave our session had gone about 15min past, and when i left her office, i have to walk through the small waiting room to leave out of her suite, my T was right behind me. her next client was waiting and i had to walk right past her and just as i went past her she loudly said to T, was my appt at 1:45? i thought that's what it was....
ok, to make me REALLY feel like cr@p.
now i was out the door before i heard my T say any kind of reply... but you know, i know its frustrating when a doc is late, i've been there for a xx appt time and had to wait 10-15 extra minutes...but i've never said anything like that...especially infront of her OBVIOUSLY previous client! cuz i know that sometimes they run late....it happens. if it happened a lot i'd say something but with her its only happened a couple times.
well...it just really made me feel like cr@p.so overall, yesterday was really long, draining. but i think this is the first time where i might actually see a good reason to maybe get back into this stuff.
b2c
poster:B2chica
thread:772053
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070726/msgs/772053.html