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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on June 25, 2007, at 7:28:05
The "test" was negative. Could be too early, but any negative result is a good negative result, eh?
Called Ginny just a min ago and said I'm not in as big a crisis now as earlier but would still like to come in.. she said how about a half session? She asked several times did I want to just wait until Thurs... I could tell that was the "right" answer... I feel pretty rejected right now and I may even call in an hour or so and cancel the half session.. (it's at 11).. I know I wont be able to open up. I know it's not rational.. I just have those walls up now. No reason to waste my time and hers.
Posted by sunnydays on June 25, 2007, at 8:21:38
In reply to update from chat last night, posted by wishingstar on June 25, 2007, at 7:28:05
Can you just say how it felt to you and ask why she kept asking? Maybe ask why first, and then say how you felt so she's less likely to be defensive?
I'm glad the test was negative! Hopefully it wasn't too early.
I'd try to go to your half-session today if you can.
sunnydays
Posted by wishingstar on June 25, 2007, at 8:37:00
In reply to Re: update from chat last night » wishingstar, posted by sunnydays on June 25, 2007, at 8:21:38
It probably was my fault.. I called to ask if it was okay if I still came, since I'm not in crisis.. because if she had another person who really needed the slot, it was okay. It just didnt feel right to show up for a crisis appt.. well.. not in crisis. Then she left it up to me.. she'd still have given me the full appt if I'd asked for it I think. I guess what I really wanted was for her to say "no, its okay, come anyway. let's talk about what's going on/what happened..etc" something like that. Reassurance I guess.
I havent decided whether I'll go or not. Shes 45 min away from me but my work is only 10 min from her, and I'm leaving now to go to work... so I'll be in the area. But I have DBT group tonight anyway. What makes me think I deserve any more than I'm already getting? I'm really not in that bad of a place right now, compared to where I could be/where others are/etc. I really dont like myself right now.
I'll post later about what I do. Thanks sunny.
Posted by Honore on June 25, 2007, at 10:23:31
In reply to Re: update from chat last night » sunnydays, posted by wishingstar on June 25, 2007, at 8:37:00
Ws, you can go to the appointment-- you do deserve it. Ginny might have been trying to be responsive to signals from you-- about not taking the appointment. Maybe offering half was a way of encouraging you to take something you wanted-- even if you didn't "need" it as a crisis. Maybe she was trying to be sensitive to your boundaries-- not attuned with your need to be reassured that you didn't need to be in a crisis. But still-- maybe an inept attempt to be caring.
It's so easy to read uncaring into things-- maybe you need to fight through the wall a little-- and not succumb to it. It's not a good wall-- it's a bad wall for you. Maybe you can give it a good fight to day-- even for half an hour?
I'm rooting for you against the wall.
Honore
Posted by wishingstar on June 25, 2007, at 14:12:35
In reply to update from chat last night, posted by wishingstar on June 25, 2007, at 7:28:05
I did go and see Ginny this morning after all. Overall I guess it was okay. I told her what was going on but eh... I dont know that it really made any difference and I really dont feel any connection or strength from having done it. We talked a little about ways to cope but they were all things that we both agreed wouldnt work (for various practical reasons). I think she was stuck. She said "well this just 'stinks'" several times and I agreed. Hah.
She asked me what I needed from her today and I told her I didnt know. I said I feel like there's so many real things that arent being said but I dont know what they are or how to say them. She said to try and figure out what they are for Thursday. Dont think thatll happen.. haha.
I dont know. I do think she tried to be validating today. She complimented me many times on all the positive things I'm doing. Sometimes that frustrates me when I'm doing poorly though... its like "shut up about the positive! dont you see how bad i feel!" but I know thats wacky. Anyway... I think Ginny is trying her best, but I think maybe we're just past the point of being able to fix it and rebuild any kind of connection now. Honore, not sure if this is what you were getting at or not, but I'm aware that I'm only seeing the negative and the things that feel uncaring from her and am not really able to see the rest. I definitely have a role in this. But I just cant imagine it being fixed at this point. I wouldnt even know where to begin. There's just nothing there.
Now I'm off to DBT group...
Posted by Honore on June 25, 2007, at 22:56:03
In reply to I went, posted by wishingstar on June 25, 2007, at 14:12:35
Hi, WS. I do recognize that the bad feelings might, which might at one point have been fixable, have taken much stronger hold by now-- and that it's often not feasible, to turn back the clock.
It's not someone one person can do-- it's got to be both people, somehow striking the right note, and sustaining it-- remaking the old connection. Even if you're doing part of it-- by seeing the negative, or protecting yourself with a wall-- you can't turn it around alone. Ginny has to cooperate. It would be great if she could get the ball rolling, as they say-- but I keep remembering that the two of you had something pretty good for while. At the least, I wish she could find where you are emotionally.
She really didn't handle the change in frequency well-- maybe you were also quick to close off, I don't know-- but that's so understandable.
So, it might not be fixable-- but then, sometimes, things suddenly become more fixable than one ever thought. I wish that could happen for you with Ginny, but I understand completely that you wouldn't be optimistic. For so many reasons, that would be really hard now.
I'm sorry you and she can't seem to find the old connection, though, WS.
Honore
Posted by scratchpad on June 26, 2007, at 9:54:38
In reply to update from chat last night, posted by wishingstar on June 25, 2007, at 7:28:05
I'm sorry I don't go to chat any more, Wishingstar. It hasn't been a good place for me - because of me, not because of others. I tend to want to have a drink beside me or something to smoke and it cultivates a nasty feeling of isolation, pretty much contrary to what the whole experience is about, really.
So, I'm sorry I've missed you there.
Take good care,
Scratchpad
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