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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on June 15, 2007, at 13:18:31
or maybe i should say, what is the point of having a therapist? Sg's thread got me to thinking about something i have considered before. my high-point crisis don't hit during 9-7 monday, tuesday and thursday.. not generally anyway. Some are lucky and have broader access to T's via fter hour phone and such. By why am i paying this when all i can do is recount the situations in which i needed him at that time? i mean, it's like seeing a doctor to describe a cold you had last week when you couldn't see him.
i couldn't talk to him when i was crying so hard i couldn't see. He wasn't available. i did leave a rambling message at 3am but he won't get it until monday anyway.
Posted by DAisym on June 15, 2007, at 19:11:08
In reply to what is the point of therapy?, posted by Dory on June 15, 2007, at 13:18:31
The point of therapy is to learn about yourself and how you react to things in ways that allow you to help yourself or avoid triggers. Your therapist is (hopefully) eventually internalized and you reach for that strength when times get really tough. No one is so strong that they never need someone else. Therapy helps you learn it is OK to really need someone else and hopefully, populate your life with those who are helpful, not hurtful.
I'm in the middle of a HUGELY stressful time. My therapist isn't with me (obviously) but in so many ways, he is. Even if he wasn't available by phone, we worked on so many different things and I can hear him, "you are OK. It is OK to say "stop that." I'll be here on Monday." etc. He is holding parts of me that can't be allowed out this weekend and he told me I could borrow his strength.
Therapy is by no means a cure all. But sometimes knowing someone else cares about what is happening to you is what gets you through.
Posted by Dory on June 15, 2007, at 21:22:32
In reply to Re: what is the point of therapy?, posted by DAisym on June 15, 2007, at 19:11:08
i don't know that he does care. i mean that. i have no idea if he cares at all or on what capacity or how much or how little. He seems like a "caring" guy, meaning he seems like he's nice to kids and animals.. probably. he would never say something like it was ok to borrow his strength, that much i know.
i'm not the sort of person that people "care" about you know? i'm not the person that someone calls up because they had been thinking about me. i'm not the person that gets little surprises from friends or family for weird little reasons. i'm the person who does that.. buys a flower for somebody for no real reason just to brighten their day.
The was someone who cared, very much, then stopped. Bad things happened to that person and they stopped being about to care about anyone else a whole lot. It was very very sad, and tragic. :o(
But my T? i don't know if he cares in any way. i know i have issues with terms like "care" and "trust".. and i am trying not to drag those in here. i am interested in what you said, but saddened too. i don't know what to make of my T...and i don't know how much is "him" and how much is "me." i don't bring out warm and fuzzy from people i guess. Maybe he is able to be really caring with other people.
thanks for listening daisy
Posted by DAisym on June 16, 2007, at 14:20:11
In reply to Re: what is the point of therapy? » DAisym, posted by Dory on June 15, 2007, at 21:22:32
My therapist would say, "I'm going to push you some, OK?" --
You asked, "what is the point?" The point of therapy isn't to make your therapist care about you, it is to learn to care about yourself. One of the most effective ways to learn this is to have a therapist who cares, because it shows you that you are worth caring about. This isn't an overnight process. It took me a long time, probably at least a year, to even begin to really believe my therapist cared about me - as me -- not just in general as a client. You haven't been seeing your therapist very long. There is time for this to grown.
And even if he isn't the kind of therapist to overtly offer support (many don't) try to hang on to the fact that you feel better after you've gone and talked some things out. You are learning about yourself and growing and over time, you will start to generalize to your "real" life more and more.
Sometimes I think of therapy like I thought of school. If I don't take what I need from it, I'm the one who loses. Some teachers cared, some didn't, but there were things being offered that I could learn and use -- but I had to make the effort to learn them. Therapy really does work best when we (try) to remember that we need to speak up and put out there what we need. It might be that we can't have it and then we have help to change what we want and need or to grieve the loss of it.
I guess I just don't want you to think therapy will never work for you because you feel like a therapist can't/won't care about you. First, I don't believe that. Second, this might be your real work - to figure out that you are worth caring about and helping.
I hope I haven't come off as preachy. :)
Posted by Dory on June 16, 2007, at 18:44:45
In reply to Re: what is the point of therapy? » Dory, posted by DAisym on June 16, 2007, at 14:20:11
No daisy, not preachy at all. i prefer direct. i am in the middle of a bad depression, a bipolar depression made worse by situational stuff. i really don't know which way is up emotionally. i am not feeling scared of therapy, but i am not feeling like it makes a lot of sense right now. i am so confused. Last week was a big deal, thought i made some break through in defining the relationship some.. but i think i was over excited and so much has changed in my life since then. i don't know anyone who has major situational change happen as constantly and frequently as i do.. no stability.
Is therapy more effective in a more stable environment? It would seem so, but then, it also seeems almost silly to say my life is too messed up for therapy.
i do know the goal is not to make him care... but i need him to if anything is going to happen. With my own history of how i got the issues i have, i know i need certain things.. and one of them is that i need him to give me evidence or cues that he cares in some way. It could just be recognition or validation... but actual outright caring statements would be so impacting. i am reminded of your T saying he would miss you should you die, or any of the other like statements. WIth my past, and hell, even my present, it would be earth shattering for him to indicate that i was worth caring about or missing.
Posted by DAisym on June 17, 2007, at 17:27:15
In reply to Re: what is the point of therapy? » DAisym, posted by Dory on June 16, 2007, at 18:44:45
*****Is therapy more effective in a more stable environment? It would seem so, but then, it also seeems almost silly to say my life is too messed up for therapy.
I think this is likely true, but for me, I was living in an abusive marriage and really couldn't see it, although I was so unhappy... Therapy helped me to first figure out what was really going on and then to figure out what I wanted to do about it. My therapist never said, "you have to leave before we can do real work" -- or anything like it. He started with helping me trust (a little more anyways) my own perceptions and gave me confidence that it was OK to want it to be different. I went in pretty much thinking I would learn how to tolerate it better, since I always had. Instead I learned that I could change things.****i do know the goal is not to make him care... but i need him to if anything is going to happen.
Yes. I needed this too.****With my own history of how i got the issues i have, i know i need certain things.. and one of them is that i need him to give me evidence or cues that he cares in some way. It could just be recognition or validation... but actual outright caring statements would be so impacting. i am reminded of your T saying he would miss you should you die, or any of the other like statements. WIth my past, and hell, even my present, it would be earth shattering for him to indicate that i was worth caring about or missing.
I think my therapist figured out that I needed him to be overt with his caring but he didn't offer these kinds of statements right away. We built up to it. It is a balancing game because too much caring would have sent me running. I end up wondering what the price will be down the road. (I still worry about that kind of thing every once in a while.) But it took some honesty on my part too. Like you said, you know what you need. As foolish as I felt (and still feel!) I started to reach out and ask questions about his caring, so that I would really know.
No doubt about it -- the therapy relationship is just darn hard!
Posted by sunnydays on June 17, 2007, at 19:53:43
In reply to Re: what is the point of therapy? » Dory, posted by DAisym on June 17, 2007, at 17:27:15
Daisy brings up a good point. It might be easier for your T to know how to respond if you could ask him, "Do you care about me?" rather than saying, "I need you to show you care about me." A question provides a lot more opportunity to give reassuring words (although therapists like to answer questions with questions sometimes, so be prepared for that) than stating a need. Once I got up the nerve to ask my T questions like, "Is it ok to miss you so much?" "Are you going to leave?" "Are you getting sick of me?" I got much more reassurance from him, even when I wasn't asking the questions. It may be a difference of tone because it's something he can respond to if it's a question, not just a statement (although it's great that you know what you need enough to be able to state it).
sunnydays
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