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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:12:36
My last T appt.
Its a little vague. I said bout evil how it kinda stays with you and never completely goes away.
Then we saying how I not feel like a leper anymore, but there's still some residual leperness lingering.
Then I dunno, but.....can't really remember, but she were asking WHAT it is inside me thats bad to me, and I tried to acess the kid, but I couldn't, and it was getting hard, I was blanking some, and I said 'I don't know', and she said "I don't know or I don't want to say?", but I DON'T KNOW. and I think she said, 'if you did know, would you tell me?' and I said 'I don't know'. Cuz if I don't know, how can I know if I would tell her? And I kinda was getting real crazy in my head so I bolted to bathroom and I was stomping around, cuz when I try to acess 'stuff', theres paerts of me that get VERY angry. So then I chilled and I had to go back to get my stuff. So I sat down. I thot I was calm appearing? Then she said, do I want to go to my safe place in my head,she talks me thru it, but I didn't, I just wanted to go.
So I left and rocked with LOUD music in my ears to drown out the noise in my head. Btwn songs, I can tell if its quieter, and after a bit it was. So I got on my bike and rode, but it was clear I wasn't safe yet(wanted to veer into traffic-impusively), so I stopped a bit again. Then I chased some rabbits and enjoyed nature and had good ride home. Had nap. Woke up in black mood, but went outside and felt good again. Then T PHONED?????????? she never does that. Left voicemail for me to chill by. Then she phone AGAIN later???? So I called back to say I was fine. And I was fine. So WHY?????????????????? does T think I NOT fine???????????? Why did she call???????? Did I miss something? I was calm. Am I defective emotionally? So many care bout their Moms. I don't give a sh*t bout my Mom really. I care, but I am disconnected from her. Is that bad? Does that mean I'm defective emotionally?
Does my T think I LIED to her??????That I don't remember? I NOT ALLOWED to remember even if I could. Its too dangerous anyways. And I don't want to. Well sorta I wish I could stop the haunting, but I just not allowed.
So we forgot to set appt and there was another thing I was supposed to call her about. So I called today(aapt was Tues), got machine, said maybe I'll call back later.(secretly hoping she would call ME back......). But she DIDN'T. I guess I not surprized, cuz she usu makes me ASK. But now part of me is kinda pissed off, cuz it wants to be pissed at SOMEone. I'm getting more and more confused and its getting hard to think. I feel like all is cool mostly, but then sometimes I don't. And part of me wants to self destruct. And part of me doesn't. And part of me wants to RUN RUN RUN away from T. Part of me wants her to nurture me(and part of me says F*CK THAT to nuture).
Damn, damn , damn.
I dunno what to do.
I never faxed T either which I usu do after a session.
Maybe she thinks I lie to her, maybe she wants me to go away, maybe she just busy, maybe she just being tough for my own good.
I tired of crazy me.
Sorry this is long.
I just dunno what to do.
No escape. Home w/kids. All day I got kids tomorrow. Then weekend.
No escape. Got to be responsible.
I love my kids SO much.
Muffled
Posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 1:11:52
In reply to Is there something wrong with me?, posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:12:36
you know i love you. i am too phucked up to help but i love you anyway.
Posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 6:50:58
In reply to Is there something wrong with me?, posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:12:36
sorry last night i was in a bad state of mind. Not much better this morning but i wanted to tell you that just because our emotions and/or thoughts don't always make sense or do what we expect does not mean we are defective. i also have trouble when someone reacts in a way that seems out of whack because i think it was me who did something weird.. could be, but it really could just be her being out of whack.
try not to doubt yourself girl, take the good from this.. whatever her reasons were for thinking you weren't ok, she cared enough to call and check on you.
Posted by sunnydays on May 11, 2007, at 8:49:38
In reply to Is there something wrong with me?, posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:12:36
Nothing wrong - I think most Ts worry if their client leaves the session upset. She didn't know you were fine when you were at home. I think she was just trying to make sure that she helped you if you were still upset. But there's nothing wrong with you, you did a good job of taking care of yourself.
sunnydays
Posted by one woman cine on May 11, 2007, at 10:42:19
In reply to Is there something wrong with me?, posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:12:36
You're fine - remember recovering from trauma & therapy are a process - nothing bad about that.
Conflicting feelings are just ARE....
Try not to fight it & it will pass quicker -
Posted by Racer on May 11, 2007, at 13:05:52
In reply to Is there something wrong with me?, posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:12:36
You live too far away to hang out with me during the day. We could have fun...
And I could razz you much more...
You're a good egg, Ms Mufflie.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 14:27:27
In reply to Only one thing wrong with you » muffled, posted by Racer on May 11, 2007, at 13:05:52
What if something WERE wrong with you?
Would it change the way you act today, or tomorrow? or a year from now?
I bet it wouldn't. You're doing a good thing, a bunch of good things.
You're a good mom, because you love your kids so much. Your disconnect with Your Mom hasn't destroyed your ability to love and nurture others. So we know THAT's not wrong.
Maybe it's hard for you to nurture yourself though. To believe that you deserve the very best because you just do.
My T suggested that to me yesterday. I was SOOOO resistant that she then did some hypnotic work with me. or whatever she wants to call it. "relaxation visualization"
So you got kind of worked up and angry. Don't "normal" folks do that a lot?
Please remind me, but haven't you made a LOT of progress this year? Your SI is way better, and you seem to write fewer and fewer self-loathing posts.
I don't know where your self-loathing posts come from, but I know where my own come from. An ugly place, but it's not my fault that they are there. My problem to deal with, but not my fault.
So, maybe your problem is... that you chased bunnies? That's the only thing I can come up with. You identify with a terrier and chased bunnies.
I'm not sure that's pathological. nor is listening to loud music.
have a tangerine, muffled. You can share it with this little girl that I'm supposed to meet 4 times a day.
Posted by muffled on May 11, 2007, at 19:54:24
In reply to Is there something wrong with me?, posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:12:36
I just seem all mixed up right now.
All mixed up.
Like tossed salad.
Tomatoes cukes cabbage carrot dressing croutons, everything all tossed, so I duuno whats what, who's who or why.
And now its the weekend.
T DID phone this a.m. early, but I missed call. I gone all day. Now its too late to call. Its weekend now. She don't give a f*ck bout clients on weekends, she goto take care of herself on weekends so she can take care of us on weekdays.
This is such B*LLSHIT this T stuff cuz I got no memories, or if I do I not allowed to know, just shuts off, can't stop it (don't wanto stop it).
SO WHATS the point of T????
To torture myself that this person gives a sh*t? When she can say it till the cows come home, she could fling herself from the rooftop, but I CAN'T beleive her....mostly.
SPLITNESS. I LOVE IT?HATE IT. It save me, it torments and confuses me. I dunno who I am, how to get back the me I like best. How not to spin into space.
I gonna leave my T an voicemail, and its gonna say 'I am in space, lost in space'. Cuz I am. I got no appt set for next week cuz I left in hurry last appt. In her voicemail to me she just said I could call her back. She didn't say nuttin bout no appt. Mebbe she DON'T want me back cuz I too frustrating. I wouldn't want me back. She try and try and I spit in her face (figuratively).
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
I just GOT TO RUN.
With kids you just can't run.
I am stuck.
Maybe I will shave my head and be ugly.
Posted by muffled on May 11, 2007, at 19:55:32
In reply to Re: Only one thing wrong with you, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 14:27:27
And they love me....
Weird.
Posted by littleone on May 11, 2007, at 23:02:45
In reply to Is there something wrong with me?, posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:12:36
> Then we saying how I not feel like a leper anymore, but there's still some residual leperness lingering.
Wow, what big steps forward! I know you still have a way to go, but ... wow. you must have put in a lot of hard work behind the scenes to get this far. Big healing there!
> and I said 'I don't know', and she said "I don't know or I don't want to say?", but I DON'T KNOW. and I think she said, 'if you did know, would you tell me?' and I said 'I don't know'. Cuz if I don't know, how can I know if I would tell her?
makes perfect sense to me. But then, I'm the I don't know queen! I know that a lot of my I don't knows where shrouded in dissociative mental blankness. Which was/is driven by fear. Even once I started to trust my T, sessions were still very scary. Still are often. But that will ease up muffled. Keep working on it. You *will* get there. The good (hah!) thing about therapy is that it keeps spiraling around and around. So even though this time aroudn you were lost in the I don't know blank, this question will arise again (and again and again). You get lots of goes to get things right.
>So I sat down. I thot I was calm appearing?
Ah, but T's have super vision. They can spot little things we do that clue them in to maybe things aren't really as all right as we say they are. I bet they're really good at poker. Which is probably a bit scary. They aren't superhuman powers, it's just cause they watch people all day long and have done so for years. They've just learnt what to look out for.
> So I left and rocked with LOUD music in my ears to drown out the noise in my head. Btwn songs, I can tell if its quieter, and after a bit it was. So I got on my bike and rode, but it was clear I wasn't safe yet(wanted to veer into traffic-impusively), so I stopped a bit again. Then I chased some rabbits and enjoyed nature and had good ride home. Had nap. Woke up in black mood, but went outside and felt good again.
This is good that you could do these things to help you calm down. It sounds like different things here helped different parts. I wish I could have watched you chasing rabbits. I've seen how rabbits runa nd i reckon you would have looked funny going after them side to side and zipping around.
>Why did she call???????? Did I miss something? I was calm.
I don't know. You would need to ask her. There could be lots of reasons why. The only way to know for sure is to ask her.
>Am I defective emotionally? So many care bout their Moms. I don't give a sh*t bout my Mom really. I care, but I am disconnected from her. Is that bad? Does that mean I'm defective emotionally?
There are lots of things in this one little sentence. Very loaded things. This is what I think about these things in relation to me:
I am not emotionally defective. I have all the same normal feelings as other people. I've just learnt to shut them down, shut them out, turn away from them, lose them in boxes and fog and stuff. You get the picture. I figure that's like an extra "skill" not a missing thing.
Re your mum, it sounds like you care about her, but you have disconnected that. So for some sort of protective reason probably, you've learnt to shut out feelings when it comes to your mum. And you have been doing heaps of work to get back in touch with your feelings. Which is really good that you've come so far, cause it is so very hard. I bet one day you'll also start reconnecting feelings to do with your mum. But because you needed that protection in teh first place, I'd bet my boots that they won't be good feeling feelings. So no rush, right?
(I should add that I do think that *I'm* defective because I don't feel caring for people. I think htat part is broken. But you don't seem to be broken that way like me.)
> Does my T think I LIED to her??????That I don't remember? I NOT ALLOWED to remember even if I could. Its too dangerous anyways. And I don't want to. Well sorta I wish I could stop the haunting, but I just not allowed.
I'm pretty sure that she would understand you have a lot of confusion inside. Especially when you get the I don't know's. Once again, you'd need to ask her, but I just bet she wasn't thinking that you're lying.
> But now part of me is kinda pissed off, cuz it wants to be pissed at SOMEone. I'm getting more and more confused and its getting hard to think. I feel like all is cool mostly, but then sometimes I don't. And part of me wants to self destruct. And part of me doesn't. And part of me wants to RUN RUN RUN away from T. Part of me wants her to nurture me(and part of me says F*CK THAT to nuture).
That's the pesky thing about parts. They all have a different way of thinking/coping. So things just end up downright confusing and like a stupid yo yo. I often feel so much compassion for all the tug of war ropes when I go through this sort of thing.
The important thing is to try not to lash out, run, self destruct, etc. To try to just understand that you're feeling this way and why that is and find ways to cope and settle down and comfort the parts feeling badly. You can accept that they feel the way they do without doing what they tell you to do.
> Maybe she thinks I lie to her, maybe she wants me to go away, maybe she just busy, maybe she just being tough for my own good.
> I tired of crazy me.
> Sorry this is long.
> I just dunno what to do.Just keep working at it muffled. I know you feel so mixed up, but that's part of therapy. Keep at it. Talk to your T about it in your next session. Send her a fax saying how you've been feeling. She needs to know this sort of stuff to help help you.
This is the end of the thread.
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