Posted by littleone on May 11, 2007, at 23:02:45
In reply to Is there something wrong with me?, posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:12:36
> Then we saying how I not feel like a leper anymore, but there's still some residual leperness lingering.
Wow, what big steps forward! I know you still have a way to go, but ... wow. you must have put in a lot of hard work behind the scenes to get this far. Big healing there!
> and I said 'I don't know', and she said "I don't know or I don't want to say?", but I DON'T KNOW. and I think she said, 'if you did know, would you tell me?' and I said 'I don't know'. Cuz if I don't know, how can I know if I would tell her?
makes perfect sense to me. But then, I'm the I don't know queen! I know that a lot of my I don't knows where shrouded in dissociative mental blankness. Which was/is driven by fear. Even once I started to trust my T, sessions were still very scary. Still are often. But that will ease up muffled. Keep working on it. You *will* get there. The good (hah!) thing about therapy is that it keeps spiraling around and around. So even though this time aroudn you were lost in the I don't know blank, this question will arise again (and again and again). You get lots of goes to get things right.
>So I sat down. I thot I was calm appearing?
Ah, but T's have super vision. They can spot little things we do that clue them in to maybe things aren't really as all right as we say they are. I bet they're really good at poker. Which is probably a bit scary. They aren't superhuman powers, it's just cause they watch people all day long and have done so for years. They've just learnt what to look out for.
> So I left and rocked with LOUD music in my ears to drown out the noise in my head. Btwn songs, I can tell if its quieter, and after a bit it was. So I got on my bike and rode, but it was clear I wasn't safe yet(wanted to veer into traffic-impusively), so I stopped a bit again. Then I chased some rabbits and enjoyed nature and had good ride home. Had nap. Woke up in black mood, but went outside and felt good again.
This is good that you could do these things to help you calm down. It sounds like different things here helped different parts. I wish I could have watched you chasing rabbits. I've seen how rabbits runa nd i reckon you would have looked funny going after them side to side and zipping around.
>Why did she call???????? Did I miss something? I was calm.
I don't know. You would need to ask her. There could be lots of reasons why. The only way to know for sure is to ask her.
>Am I defective emotionally? So many care bout their Moms. I don't give a sh*t bout my Mom really. I care, but I am disconnected from her. Is that bad? Does that mean I'm defective emotionally?
There are lots of things in this one little sentence. Very loaded things. This is what I think about these things in relation to me:
I am not emotionally defective. I have all the same normal feelings as other people. I've just learnt to shut them down, shut them out, turn away from them, lose them in boxes and fog and stuff. You get the picture. I figure that's like an extra "skill" not a missing thing.
Re your mum, it sounds like you care about her, but you have disconnected that. So for some sort of protective reason probably, you've learnt to shut out feelings when it comes to your mum. And you have been doing heaps of work to get back in touch with your feelings. Which is really good that you've come so far, cause it is so very hard. I bet one day you'll also start reconnecting feelings to do with your mum. But because you needed that protection in teh first place, I'd bet my boots that they won't be good feeling feelings. So no rush, right?
(I should add that I do think that *I'm* defective because I don't feel caring for people. I think htat part is broken. But you don't seem to be broken that way like me.)
> Does my T think I LIED to her??????That I don't remember? I NOT ALLOWED to remember even if I could. Its too dangerous anyways. And I don't want to. Well sorta I wish I could stop the haunting, but I just not allowed.
I'm pretty sure that she would understand you have a lot of confusion inside. Especially when you get the I don't know's. Once again, you'd need to ask her, but I just bet she wasn't thinking that you're lying.
> But now part of me is kinda pissed off, cuz it wants to be pissed at SOMEone. I'm getting more and more confused and its getting hard to think. I feel like all is cool mostly, but then sometimes I don't. And part of me wants to self destruct. And part of me doesn't. And part of me wants to RUN RUN RUN away from T. Part of me wants her to nurture me(and part of me says F*CK THAT to nuture).
That's the pesky thing about parts. They all have a different way of thinking/coping. So things just end up downright confusing and like a stupid yo yo. I often feel so much compassion for all the tug of war ropes when I go through this sort of thing.
The important thing is to try not to lash out, run, self destruct, etc. To try to just understand that you're feeling this way and why that is and find ways to cope and settle down and comfort the parts feeling badly. You can accept that they feel the way they do without doing what they tell you to do.
> Maybe she thinks I lie to her, maybe she wants me to go away, maybe she just busy, maybe she just being tough for my own good.
> I tired of crazy me.
> Sorry this is long.
> I just dunno what to do.Just keep working at it muffled. I know you feel so mixed up, but that's part of therapy. Keep at it. Talk to your T about it in your next session. Send her a fax saying how you've been feeling. She needs to know this sort of stuff to help help you.
poster:littleone
thread:757668
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/758022.html