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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jammerlich on May 7, 2007, at 12:53:52
I thought today was an OK day. It isn't though. Not really. I'm getting a sense of how fragile my sense of being OK can be. It's really very easily thrown off.
I am crying and just feel horrible and can't stop. The tears were set off from dealing with my apartment complex and the people who are to repair my carpets after the leak I discovered upon returning home last week. Apparently, it's shocking that I would expect to be called ahead of time with the schedule.
Anyway, I just started bawling when it was all over. A response totally out of line for what had just transpired. I know it's about so much more. I can feel it all coming up....all the events I've been trying to just get through. Missing my teacher-friend so very much. My husband telling me, late in our trip, that he'd been emailing with a "friend" and they'd probably be returning to NYC together soon. And then, when I started tearing up, he said, "Well, there'll be other people too." Was that supposed to make it better? I don't know. It only made me feel worse. And the tears are for my struggles with T, too. I just don't know if working for that is worth it. It will never be "real." Not really real. Just therapy real.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound so desperate and whiny...all gloom and doom. It's just where I am right now....and it's frightening how quickly I got here.
Posted by scratchpad on May 7, 2007, at 14:00:39
In reply to Crying, posted by jammerlich on May 7, 2007, at 12:53:52
I've had bouts of uncontrollable crying, with very little trigger. Sometimes just having to talk to people is too much. ((((Jammer))))
I've heard that tears are healing, and I have not believed it. When you cry for hours on end, day after day, it is hard to see how it can possibly help us. My tears eventually slowed, though they have never really stopped. To me they represent the open wounds that have yet to be healed. Try not to be hard on yourself for crying over what seems to be nothing. Make sure you drink enough water to replace what you're leaking out!!
take care,
Scratchpad
Posted by muffled on May 7, 2007, at 15:17:25
In reply to Crying, posted by jammerlich on May 7, 2007, at 12:53:52
Aww Jammer, sorry you had a bad homecomming.
My T says it to me like this, well actually she draws it, but can't do it here...
So, if you think of a staight horizontal line, then imagine a sine wave type thing. A wavy line that goes up and down thru the baseline. Well, I used to have big waves emotionally, mostly below the baseline(depression) and it would take longer to get back to baseline(just feeling fine). So the waves were long and deep. When I am all emotionally labile(up and down) then the waves are shorter and all up and down all over.
So with therapy, my waves don't verty often go down as low as they used to, and certainly not for as long. I spend less time and less distance away from baseline.
Dang! I wish I could DRAW this! Its hard to explain with words...
So anyways. The jist of all this is, that yes T has been hard. T has been very confusing. T is bugging me right now too, bout the 'real' stuff. But despite that....it IS working....so I gonna keep at it. Cuz damn but it does feel a whole lot better sticking nearer to that baseline.
And I am kinda dense! So if this kid can do it, others proly can too. Just takes time I guess.
I talk like such a knowitall.....I know sh*t all really, but this is stuff thats been good for me, so I share it.
Take care Jammer.
Muffled
Posted by Honore on May 7, 2007, at 15:21:42
In reply to Crying, posted by jammerlich on May 7, 2007, at 12:53:52
Don't feel bad about crying, Jammer. Just let it be. It's okay. You're sad and then these people don't do the right thing, and you feel back in some awful place where you're powerless and things aren't been taken care of, when they should be.
It's okay. You're okay. You'll get back into your apartment, and you'll feel safer and things will move back into their places again.
I'm dealing with the same feelings about the surgeon-- and I can't go in to see him becuase it makes me want to just scream-- a scream sort of like the Munch painting The Scream--every time I think about him and his mistakes. And I'm sure I"ll be scowling horribly like some hideous gargoyle and start crying before I get a sentence out.
I guess I fall apart-- maybe you too, cause I have this inner sadness. and then I feel so powerless and out of control, But it's okay. We have to try to learn that it's okay, we're okay.
It's hard. But you are so okay. And I do understand how hard it is--
but I've had so many good thoughts and feelings about you these last few days. I wish you could feel them, too.
Honore
Posted by jammerlich on May 7, 2007, at 16:35:56
In reply to Re: Crying » jammerlich, posted by scratchpad on May 7, 2007, at 14:00:39
I'm with you when it comes to not quite believing that tears are healing (ranks right up there with, "Everything happens for a reason," if you ask me). They just make my face blotchy and my eyes burn. Not to mention the fact that they feel dangerous.
I like what you said about representing wounds that haven't healed. That feels so true. And I guess it's not the tears I hate as much as the internal pain that seems to come along with them. That feeling of utter alone-ness. At least, that's what it is for me. And it's that feeling that lets me know they have nothing to do with the stupid carpet cleaners.
But I do, I feel completely alone. And I don't mean that as a slap in the face to my babble friends. Babble has certainly been a lifesaver. It's just not the same as someone you can call at night, who will talk to you for as long as you need or who will come and just sit with you if that's what would help.
Posted by jammerlich on May 7, 2007, at 16:39:57
In reply to Re: Crying » jammerlich, posted by muffled on May 7, 2007, at 15:17:25
Muffled, you did a great job of explaining that. No drawing needed!! And what you're saying makes sense. It's just hard to trust that this (the T thing) is all for something. To be honest, I felt better before I ever started T. I mean, it wasn't all that good, but it was pretty constant, at least.
I don't know what the answers are. But I'm glad you wrote. You actually know a whole lot, whether you see it yourself or not.
Posted by jammerlich on May 7, 2007, at 16:49:09
In reply to Re: Crying, posted by Honore on May 7, 2007, at 15:21:42
What you said about the inner sadness rings true with me. I really do think I'm just a sad person. Always have been. Always will be. That's just the normal for me.
There's so much else going on in my mind, I just don't know what all to say. Mainly because I can't really make sense of it all.
Sometimes I think my tolerance for stress is just really low, but then I'm not so sure. I mean, I dealt with lots of little problems yesterday and managed to keep my sense of humor. I really did. It wasn't until someone showed up at my door unexpectedly that things fell apart. I'm not sure if, for me, it's the powerlessness or something else. Because, I was mostly powerless over pretty much everything that happened yesterday and none of it sent me over the edge.
Maybe I have some issue with people being inconsiderate??? I can't think of a better way to say it. All the other stuff just happened....no one could have helped it, really. It wasn't personal. But, this was different, somehow.
Ok, I'm just rambling now.....
Posted by Honore on May 7, 2007, at 18:33:09
In reply to Re: Crying » Honore, posted by jammerlich on May 7, 2007, at 16:49:09
I think whatever it was that started you feeling worse must have had some meaning. Maybe it wasn't obvious, but it must have felt like something particular that is hurtful, more than whatever happened yesterday.
I don't think it's your tolerance for stress or frustration; it's that sometimes things happen that touch off memories or recall experiences that were really bad, and that seems irrational, but it isn't. When you reexperience those older things, in the guise of something immediate, it's a really awful thing.
Even though you're very sad now, you aren't destined always to be sad. Some sense of sadness may linger for a long time, but that really isn't who you are. It's just particularly intense and close to the surface right now, because you're experiencing losses-- and those put you in touch in a more constant way with sadness.
But I was much sadder for a long time, and it didn't last, even though I thought it would. I think when it seems to important, it starts to feel relentless and defining-- but we are more changeable, over time, that we can imagine. Even though it is hard, and sometimes seems impossible.
Honore
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 7, 2007, at 19:00:38
In reply to Crying, posted by jammerlich on May 7, 2007, at 12:53:52
you're fragile right now. There's nothing wrong with that.
please take good care of yourself. sometimes these hard times come together with an opportunity to learn about how to avoid them in the future.
As far as insensitive ex's go... they should go to ____ and you can fill in your own blank, but for me, that might actually be NYC!
maybe we talk a little later in chat?
-Ll
Posted by scratchpad on May 7, 2007, at 19:54:22
In reply to Re: Crying » scratchpad, posted by jammerlich on May 7, 2007, at 16:35:56
>
> But I do, I feel completely alone. And I don't mean that as a slap in the face to my babble friends. Babble has certainly been a lifesaver. It's just not the same as someone you can call at night, who will talk to you for as long as you need or who will come and just sit with you if that's what would help.
Funny (not ha ha funny but weird me funny) but I am much more likely to email a close friend than to pick up the telephone. I don't know how many names and phone numbers I've been given at aa meetings, but I haven't been comfortable calling more than 1 or 2 people at most, from pages of well meaning contacts. Even with friends from babble I'm not much of a phone talker. Generally, I'm not comfortable in telephone conversations. I always feel like I'm straining to hear, or I'm worried about what to say, or whether I should call in the first place. With an email I always have that precious Delete button if I'm unsure what to say. And being able to speak face to face with someone you've come to know on the boards is the bestest of all.sp
Posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 8:18:47
In reply to Crying, posted by jammerlich on May 7, 2007, at 12:53:52
jammer i am not up to reading the whole thread.. i'm barely up to posting at all. But sweetie i care about you. You have to allow yourself to grieve however it happens. Allow yourself to be weak sometimes and fall to your knees. SCrew the carpet people. You needed to release some pressure.
take good care of yourself ok? do something silly that will make you smile... buy a big bag of M&M's and arrange them to spell out swear words.
(((jammer)))
Posted by muffled on May 8, 2007, at 9:16:51
In reply to Re: Crying » jammerlich, posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 8:18:47
(((((Jammer)))), hang in there, I think you making progress, thats why you feel like crap. Progress is HARD, but worth it. Guess you'll just have to trust me on that.
Take care.
Muffled
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