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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by canadagirl on April 21, 2007, at 20:12:53
My family needs therapy. And I went back to my former therapist that I saw for a bit last year to discuss the situation briefly(not the schema T.) And he really is a family therapist but took me on last year because he had an opening for an individual. Now there are not so many openings in his schedule and he can't see me very often, maybe once every few weeks. But I don't think it's good going by myself, I think my husband needs to be there too but he is hesitant to go although I could probably make him go. But on the other hand, I also feel nervous about bringing my husband there. I think he is going to say a ton of negative things about me to someone I have developed a relationship with. How would you feel if this was you? Would you go to someone else? I don't really want to start all over with someone else either. I'm just a ball of confusion. I could go on my own but he sort of hints he can't do much more for me unless the family comes. OK all you good advice givers here, I really need your opinion.
Posted by gazo on April 21, 2007, at 21:31:26
In reply to Bringing spouse to my therapist, posted by canadagirl on April 21, 2007, at 20:12:53
well.. there i have experience :/
there are two things.. one you mentioned, not wanting to taint the relationship you have, and the other is that as it stands he is *your* T and not the family T.. yes? You would really need to discuss that with him.. from your point of view, his and that potentially of your husband.. i would think your husband is going to feel outnumbered.
i would go sometimes to my H's T... and all that happened is that he got denfensive.
i honestly don't know how family T's work.. but it has to be equal and unbiased. If you feel your T can do that now, and that your H won't feel outgunned.
if your H doesn't want to go it might be hard anyway...
why do you think he'd say negative things? why would it bother you if he did? do you think your T would change his view of you then? why does that matter?
sorry... devil's advocate.
Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2007, at 8:33:55
In reply to Bringing spouse to my therapist, posted by canadagirl on April 21, 2007, at 20:12:53
I've had both good and bad experiences with it, even with the same husband and therapist.
The last time was about a specific situation, and my therapist helped a lot. He knew my husband through my descriptions of him as well as through his own briefer contacts with him, and he understood how to say things to him. He focused on my husband without excluding me, and he was respectful of both of us. Everyone left feeling better.
The first time went horribly. By the end of the session, I was leaning so far away from him I was likely to topple off the couch. I'm not sure if it's because this was *my* therapist, although that may have played a part. I swore never to do it again.
And this is my therapy, and my therapist. I don't think I'd take kindly to any interference or stepping on those facts.
But every situation and every relationship is different. You say that you think your family needs therapy, and that you think your husband needs to be there. Do you think that you have enough detachment from this therapist to feel good about it? Do you think your husband will feel like this therapist is your family therapist rather than your therapist?
I don't know that it's a question with only one answer.
Posted by DisTraught on April 22, 2007, at 9:01:18
In reply to Re: Bringing spouse to my therapist » canadagirl, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2007, at 8:33:55
I think it's a tough call. The trouble is you are juggling two instances of imbalance: You already have a relationship with your T which puts your husband at a disadvantage, and you have a knowledge of both your husband and T which neither of the other has.
So ,perhaps your husband would feel that he is at a disadvantage seeing your T and you at the same time? This is what he may FEEL, and perhaps he needs to be respected if he is to take part in therapy.Penny
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 22, 2007, at 18:46:00
In reply to Re: Bringing spouse to my therapist, posted by DisTraught on April 22, 2007, at 9:01:18
I recently took my husband with me to therapy for the first time. basically we had gotten into a rut where I was having a really hard time dealing with life and he felt he was in a rut because nothing he tried to say to make me feel better was working.
I was sick of feeling like the crazy one. he was sick of feeling powerless to support the crazy one.
So I took him to T (he's very very very very very very anti-T, by the way) but he agreed to go, if it would help me. And it was okay. T told him some of the things that I was struggling with in language that I wasn't capable of using (because I dissociate when I have to activate those particular memories) and I think husband "got it"
she gave him a couple of scripts to use to help calm me down. Think of me like a 9 year old, or a 5 year old, who's all alone with her worries, and try to relate to your wife in that way (OMG!), not the way that you relate to your wife who is a [over]grown woman.
he used some of them over the next few days. I gave him plenty of opportunities. i was sobbing for at least 30 minutes about something nearly every day for a fortnight.
practice makes practiced.
...
-Ll
Posted by canadagirl on April 22, 2007, at 20:50:39
In reply to Re: Bringing spouse to my therapist, posted by gazo on April 21, 2007, at 21:31:26
Thanks gazo,
>>there are two things.. one you mentioned, not wanting to taint the relationship you have, and the other is that as it stands he is *your* T and not the family T.. yes? <<
Yes, that's it, I don't want to share him, really, also think that the negative stuff I put out there in therapy when I'm feeling negative, will come back to haunt me in my couples session.
>>why do you think he'd say negative things? why would it bother you if he did? do you think your T would change his view of you then? why does that matter?<<
I think my husband would complain about me as he thinks I complain about him in session. But I don't really complain about him. I talk about my feelings about things. It would bother me because I'm worried T will take sides. Not meaning to, but I think he'll side with one of us. And it won't be me. Because he's said a few times "that's how men are". Well how are they? I'd like to know. I don't want it to turn into Men's Support Group, you know what I mean?
Thanks for your devil's advocate questions. It makes me think!
Posted by canadagirl on April 22, 2007, at 20:56:25
In reply to Re: Bringing spouse to my therapist » canadagirl, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2007, at 8:33:55
Hi Dinah, I liked your examples of your situation. I hope he would be respectful of both of us. I'm worried he will side with my husband. He was "my" T first of course. But his specialty is really family therapy and he's good at from what I hear so I want to take the chance in a way. But do I have enough detachment from the T....good question. I don't know. I would feel the whole time he is discounting everything I said to him and will just be listening to hubby. I don't know why I think this. Own insecurities I guess.
Maybe I should talk to him about it first. But I also don't want to set myself up as someone he has to watch what he says in front of me either. Thanks.
Posted by canadagirl on April 22, 2007, at 20:59:54
In reply to Re: Bringing spouse to my therapist, posted by DisTraught on April 22, 2007, at 9:01:18
thanks Penny , I think I am more nervous about hubby coming than he is not wanting to come. The therapist is prepared to let all of us be the client in a session, like take turns. I'll just feel mortified if he brings anything up I've told him. Hopefully he won't. I can see your point about hubby feeling disadvantaged, and never thought about that. That's a good point!
Posted by canadagirl on April 22, 2007, at 21:02:26
In reply to Re: Bringing spouse to my therapist, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 22, 2007, at 18:46:00
wow Lurpsie, you sound like you have a really supportive husband, thank goodness for that. Mine just thinks there is nothing wrong with me or our family that I can't fix myself and that therapy is a waste of time. Well I'll hope for the best I guess. Take care of yourself, sounds like you've had some rough times.
Posted by gazo on April 23, 2007, at 10:33:09
In reply to Re: Bringing spouse to my therapist » gazo, posted by canadagirl on April 22, 2007, at 20:50:39
well i will tell you that my only experience with a couple's T really did turn into a support group for my husband. i hate to say that because i don't want to prevent you from trying to help your relationship. Not every T is going to be the way the b with an itch was.
she got very interested in my husband's mental health issues and everything became about that. It was devastating for me. In the end she said "well, what did you think? that i could wave a magic wand?"
personally i wouldn't start couple's therapy with a T you are already with.. for the reasons you stated. But i can understand your reluctance to start anew. i just think it's the only way to have a level playing field.
i don't think most T's would allow partners to just complain about the other in therapy though. It would be redirected into "make I statements." Or at least it should be.
i'm going to ask another hard question that you don't need to answer... are you afraid that couple's therapy would end up helping you end the relationship rather than repair it?
oh and hey, if you're ever coming east, let me know... love to hang with you.
Posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2007, at 20:46:52
In reply to Re: Bringing spouse to my therapist » canadagirl, posted by gazo on April 23, 2007, at 10:33:09
My husband for years has used my pdoc appointments or now tried to use the Therapist for himself to complain about me. I always looked like the bad one. And this has hurt me immensely. Now this new therapist won't let him come in and boy does it make him mad as I pay myself for the sessions. Love Phillipa
Posted by canadagirl on April 23, 2007, at 21:17:04
In reply to Re: Bringing spouse to my therapist » canadagirl, posted by gazo on April 23, 2007, at 10:33:09
Hi there gazo, wow you seem to hit the nail on the head quite a bit, you are very perceptive.
Exactly what my T said before, should he wave his magic wand (about something else). What is it with these expressions. I don't know, but I don't like canned expressions. I don't use those expressions with my clients (and I'm in a helping job along with my sales job) and heaven help me if I was as trite with them.
I agree with your comment about levelling the playing field and now I've read the answers and had a chance to think and I know we have to go a different route, to someone other than my existing T. There are just too many risks for me to feel comfortable. So I got a recommendation from someone and we'll see what happens.
Regarding your question, ask anything at all, it's fine. I already told this T I'm with, divorce is not an option. I'm not that badly off yet, and hopefully this will help me not get to that point.
I'd love to go down East. It's a beautiful part of Canada.
Posted by canadagirl on April 23, 2007, at 21:18:36
In reply to Re: Bringing spouse to my therapist, posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2007, at 20:46:52
That's right, I don't want it to become a complain about (I almost used my real name) session. If he wants to complain he can find his own T to complain with. Anyway, looks like I found someone so we'll give it a try soon.
This is the end of the thread.
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