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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on March 31, 2007, at 12:41:01
i feel stupid. i seem to have lost control over myself or something. i know why, i just don't seem to be able to stop it. a quiet night at home ended up with me stumbling down a dark city street at 3am drunk and alone. tonight what is WRONG with me?
am i ever going to be able to examine the bad parts of my life without slipping into this stuff? i suppose like IWS said about something else, i guess it's better than some other options.
my pdoc said he worries a lot about me being out like that. he said someone was eventually going to attack me or something. i said i didn't care... and he said something very insightful, he said i did care, and that i was looking for it to happen because i was so angry. He said it's like saying "you want a piece of me? come and get it and i will take a piece out of you." It was true at the time. DOn't know what my motive is right now.. self punishment, destructive behaviour.
i had wanted to make my old T proud of me.. of how far I had come over the last 5 months, how good i was doing. instead i am falling on my face over and over.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 31, 2007, at 13:01:25
In reply to Saturday update, posted by gazo on March 31, 2007, at 12:41:01
Gazo, my T calls it 'dangerosity'.
This doing dangerous stuff.
I think its better for me to SI than to walk in bad areas at night.
I too did it for simil.iar reasons. I think I wanted someone to jump me, so I could fight back. i wanted to fight back. God almighty I want to fight back SO bad. I wantg to beat the crap outta a bad person. I never would hurt a good person.
But Gazo, it IS dangerous, and I have learned not to do it. I do other things instead, like just walk safer places, I don't drink, rarely get too high.
I remember phoning my T once, I was lost, in my OWN CITY?!?! I was sitting in the dark desreted street in mebbe an indusrtrial area plucking grass.....I don't remmeber what she said. I eventually found my way home. Not sure how.
I was NOT in a state to defend myself.
I would have been helpless.
It would have been a nightmare.
I don't want to think about it.
Try and be safe Gazo OK?
I volunteer w/street people. There's one guy who is fond of me, and always trys to GROPE! me. Not very hard effort or he knows I'd get mad. But if he had found me that night I have no doubt he would have abused me. This is whats out there.
Do you want to come awake to some listerine smelling hairy guy groping you?
So to me, its better to SI safely. SI is most definately not good, but its better than other things.
One of my greatest fears is that I could kill another human being. I always pack a knife, I do know how to use it, I have trained. I could kill w/o even realizing I was doing it. Instinctive reaction to defend myself.....
The nightmare scenarios are endless. I have NO idea why I am still here in one piece and not in jail, mutilated , or dead.
I assume there is a cosmic purpose for me or something.
Just take care, PLEASE take care.
There are other ways to cope, and I am learning them.
Best wishes to you gazo.
Posted by madeline on March 31, 2007, at 17:04:27
In reply to Saturday update, posted by gazo on March 31, 2007, at 12:41:01
"am i ever going to be able to examine the bad parts of my life without slipping into this stuff? i suppose like IWS said about something else, i guess it's better than some other options."
I think you can learn how to examine the bad parts of your life, but you need to get the skills to cope with disruptive, intense feelings.
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a good method that actually teaches you how to cope with really strong emotion. It actually gives you real world tools to help manage stress and "the badness" and the hurt.
I would encourage you to talk to your new therapist about it.
It's helped a lot of people.
Maddie
Posted by gazo on March 31, 2007, at 17:32:51
In reply to Gazo*triggers* » gazo, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 31, 2007, at 13:01:25
i know..oh boy do i know. i know it's dangerous. it scares me that it happened. i didn't even give it a thought until i was half way home and i realised i was obviously weaving. what if i had passed out on the way home?
i'm not sure how it all happened, i mean i remember everything but there wasn't a clear point where i coulda/shoulda stopped. i was with people most of the night. shoulda got a cab home.
i don't want to do any of those things. i lived all of that once. i know i don't need to use that as acoping mechanism. i don't understand what happened to me. i have to put a stop to it right now, or i am just going to have more issues to have to deal with.
that's it. one drink limit on social occasions. i am too vulnerable to have more than that.
i guess it'll be tested tonight. i promised a dear friend i'd show up at this bash she's having. i have to make an appearnce. i'm picking up a friend there to come here. my plan to avoid getting sucked into the moment is to not go until really late. i won't be drinking at all tonight. i'll have people to walk with me as well.
Posted by gazo on March 31, 2007, at 17:36:04
In reply to Re: Saturday update, posted by madeline on March 31, 2007, at 17:04:27
i'm going to go look it up maddie. big thing is i have to stop this NOW. and i will stop it myself now. i stopped it before, i can stop it now.
i'm going to work on a new letter to my T tonight. writing/journalling helps.
Posted by gazo on April 1, 2007, at 0:20:07
In reply to Saturday update, posted by gazo on March 31, 2007, at 12:41:01
i went to the party and didn't even have a single thing. Big party too. Lots of pot in the air, lots of booze flowing. Rockin. i saw my friend and chatted a bit here and there. then i left stone sober. i am very proud of myself. :o)
i am going to win. i am going to beat this. i have not come so far over the years to turn my life, my mind and my soul over to the people who hurt me years ago. No way No how.
i worked on my letter to my T and it helped. i have to explain to him how terrified i am of trying to connect to those feelings. i want to not do that too soon. i think it would be easier on me once i felt more trust with him. i need to feeel he can help me through it. i am too scared to go there alone.
i am going to will myself to be ok and to be safe. i do not have to relive this, not now, not alone. i am going to will myself to set it aside as i have done for years.
i will win.
Posted by madeline on April 1, 2007, at 6:48:03
In reply to I DID IT!!!!!, posted by gazo on April 1, 2007, at 0:20:07
I knew you could! I'm so happy for you!
Another victory for Gazo!
You go girl! Enjoy today!
Maddie
Posted by gazo on April 1, 2007, at 9:36:46
In reply to Re: I DID IT!!!!!, posted by madeline on April 1, 2007, at 6:48:03
yay for me :o) i am going to do ok. i think writing a letter to my T was a good idea. i will keep doing that when i get overwhelmed. i just need to remind myself of where i am, nothing bad is happening, i don't need to be afraid. i need to tell my T how afraid i have been of getting into this stuff. i need him to reassure me and go slow.
you guys are a great support.
Posted by Dinah on April 1, 2007, at 9:49:47
In reply to I DID IT!!!!!, posted by gazo on April 1, 2007, at 0:20:07
Good for you!!
Posted by DisTraught on April 1, 2007, at 11:37:59
In reply to I DID IT!!!!!, posted by gazo on April 1, 2007, at 0:20:07
Well done! You have every right to be proud of yourself! I'm so glad you feel good about yourself:)
Penny
Posted by gazo on April 1, 2007, at 12:02:05
In reply to Re: I DID IT!!!!!, posted by DisTraught on April 1, 2007, at 11:37:59
Thank you ladies! I do feel good. i just woke up this morning feeling like i had made it through the recent meltdown. i set aside my letter to my old T and i'm just writing journal letters to my new T. I know i'm not out of the woods but maybe it will at least give my head a rest.
Posted by Happyflower on April 1, 2007, at 14:01:41
In reply to Re: I DID IT!!!!! Dinah + Penny, posted by gazo on April 1, 2007, at 12:02:05
YaY! Good for you! Writing works for me too, maybe I need to start doing that again! :-)
Posted by Scentedgarden on April 1, 2007, at 18:29:38
In reply to Yay GAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOO!, posted by Happyflower on April 1, 2007, at 14:01:41
hi gazo..thats the spirit, you go girl; well done..!!! I'm really chuffed for you and with you.. *hurray for gazo the winner..! take care - sg
Posted by gazo on April 2, 2007, at 8:28:03
In reply to Re: Yay GAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOO!, posted by Scentedgarden on April 1, 2007, at 18:29:38
This is the end of the thread.
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