Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 31, 2007, at 13:01:25
In reply to Saturday update, posted by gazo on March 31, 2007, at 12:41:01
Gazo, my T calls it 'dangerosity'.
This doing dangerous stuff.
I think its better for me to SI than to walk in bad areas at night.
I too did it for simil.iar reasons. I think I wanted someone to jump me, so I could fight back. i wanted to fight back. God almighty I want to fight back SO bad. I wantg to beat the crap outta a bad person. I never would hurt a good person.
But Gazo, it IS dangerous, and I have learned not to do it. I do other things instead, like just walk safer places, I don't drink, rarely get too high.
I remember phoning my T once, I was lost, in my OWN CITY?!?! I was sitting in the dark desreted street in mebbe an indusrtrial area plucking grass.....I don't remmeber what she said. I eventually found my way home. Not sure how.
I was NOT in a state to defend myself.
I would have been helpless.
It would have been a nightmare.
I don't want to think about it.
Try and be safe Gazo OK?
I volunteer w/street people. There's one guy who is fond of me, and always trys to GROPE! me. Not very hard effort or he knows I'd get mad. But if he had found me that night I have no doubt he would have abused me. This is whats out there.
Do you want to come awake to some listerine smelling hairy guy groping you?
So to me, its better to SI safely. SI is most definately not good, but its better than other things.
One of my greatest fears is that I could kill another human being. I always pack a knife, I do know how to use it, I have trained. I could kill w/o even realizing I was doing it. Instinctive reaction to defend myself.....
The nightmare scenarios are endless. I have NO idea why I am still here in one piece and not in jail, mutilated , or dead.
I assume there is a cosmic purpose for me or something.
Just take care, PLEASE take care.
There are other ways to cope, and I am learning them.
Best wishes to you gazo.
poster:Iwillsurvive
thread:745749
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070324/msgs/745754.html