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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 19, 2007, at 8:42:53
Just wanted to send out a little note asking how fellow babblers are doing without their T's.
Maybe you're just on a break (I'm out of T for 20 days) or maybe you're between T's or whatnot.
I just wanted to say hi, and tell everyone how I'm doing right now
It will of course involve a Llurpsielist
1) Feel like I'm in a holding pattern. Without someone to share my deeper thoughts I feel that I have no witness and so I keep on thinking in circles without getting that flash of !insight! that helps me move on to a new level of self-understanding
2) Feel pretty stressed. I'm in the thick of dissertation cramming. I sure wish I had an opportunity to bitch about stuff to my T, and get a pep-talk from her
3) I miss her person. She is comforting and soothing in a way that other people have never been for me. That is pretty special
4) I miss her availability. I miss knowing that if I have a meltdown because of an unforeseen life-stressor that she will be there for me, even if I feel like a complete dumbass for calling her after-hours.
5) I miss the routine. I save up stories and thoughts and feelings to share twice weekly and this has become part of my rhythm. Now I have to journal, or share them with my husband (who may have been Aaron Beck in a previous lifetime, with his innate knowledge of how cogntive-behavioral therapies work
6) I miss feeling good about myself. My T could always find a way to get me out of a mode where I flagellate myself and get all anxious and insecure about my frailties and failings. She could always spin things to make me reframe my behavior in a way that didn't make me a 'bad person'
7) I miss that goofy little knick-knack that I always fiddle with during my session.
hope y'all are doing okay.
I'm trying to avoid taking enough time to actually think about too much. WRite now I'm a writer. nothing more nothing less. I write I write and I write some more. I've got about 50-60 pages in my diss draft. Some of it is even approaching "less crappy" status.
But I still have a lot of work to do, and if I stop and think about it, I freak out. Every single time. Been crying most nights and have upped my klonopin to the maximum non-dumb dose I can manage.
peace to you,
-Ll
Posted by sunnydays on March 19, 2007, at 10:34:11
In reply to How are ya'll doing without your T's?, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 19, 2007, at 8:42:53
Not great. I was supposed to see my T today, but just got a message that he's out sick. He had left me a message over break because I asked him to, and he mentioned he hurt his back pretty seriously and was on painkillers, and he's not back at work yet. That in itself scares me because I want my T to be invincible, not someone who can get injured. And I already haven't seen him for a week and half because of my spring break, when I had been going twice a week, so this is really hard. And the secretary that called isn't very nice-sounding, so I don't like her. And I'm really sad. I've been having suicidal thoughts on and off all week. I don't want to call him because I'm worried I'll bother him, and he's injured, so I don't want to bother him at all. And I don't know whether it would be ok to call or not. I just so want to hear his voice and talk to him. I have been missing him so so much, and now I'm just so sad that I can't see him.
sunnydays
Posted by Happyflower on March 19, 2007, at 12:09:13
In reply to How are ya'll doing without your T's?, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 19, 2007, at 8:42:53
I don't know if I count or not since I see him at the gym, but it has been 2 weeks since a session with 2 more weeks to go........BUT
HE WINKED AT ME TODAY AT THE GYM! heehee
(((((Llurpsie)))))))))))
Posted by bil on March 19, 2007, at 16:31:14
In reply to Re: How are ya'll doing without your T's? » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Happyflower on March 19, 2007, at 12:09:13
I'm inbetween t's at the moment... I don't miss my last one; I got really frustrated with her, because I felt we were not getting anywhere at all- I saw her for 6 months.
I used to love it when she phoned (well, SHE never- the receptionist made the phone calls) to say my appointment had to be cancelled- never any reason given when it happened, but I found the sessions SO boring I was glad when this happened.
I would so like to be able to see a therapist, though... have had some really black days recently- can't seem to shut up the negative, nagging voices in my mind that constantly tell me how useless, stupid, and bad I am. It's wearing me down, and sometimes I'm just too beaten to tune them out.
Never mind! A self-help book I ordered MONTHS ago has finally come in at my local library... I'm keeping fingers crossed that this one will help a bit. :-)
hope everyone else is doing ok so far this week.bil
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 20, 2007, at 3:07:51
In reply to Re: not great *maybe trigger* ? » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by sunnydays on March 19, 2007, at 10:34:11
Sunnydays,
I'm so sorry about your T's absence. That's really unfortunate. It's okay to be a teensy-weensy bit mad at him though. I mean, he should take better care of himself! He is supposed to be invincible. I don't think that's an unrealistic expectation at all!Secretary-lady was probably in a pissy mood because she's been having to move around all his appts and stuff. Or maybe she hadn't had her lunch break yet or something. Who gives a crap what she thinks about you. You pay her!
I had a lot of very self-destructive feelings before my T left on break. I think part of it was that a part of me was mad at her for going bye-bye and I couldn't stand to be mad at someone who is otherwise so deserving of my respect and warm thoughts. So, I directed the anger at myself. that's the simple version. The more complicated version involves transference and multiple triggers, which I choose not to think about right now.
Do you think maybe part of what you're feeling is misdirected anger?
If so, I'll tell you what my T told me. She said she'd much rather me be mad at HER than to be mad at myself for ____insert neurotic thought here_____
she said that was part of her job- to absorb and work with her client's emotions.
If you're feeling really crappy, you should definitely call your T. even if it's just a sob-fest "I miss you and I have so much to talk about i think i'm going to explode my world is falling apart and no one can help me and now you're injured too and i don't know what to do..."
If he's good at his job he'll help you sort out your feelings and maybe he can also update you on when you can expect your next session.
best to you,
-Ll
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 20, 2007, at 21:24:21
In reply to Re: not great *maybe trigger* ? » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by sunnydays on March 19, 2007, at 10:34:11
> Not great. I was supposed to see my T today, but just got a message that he's out sick. He had left me a message over break because I asked him to, and he mentioned he hurt his back pretty seriously and was on painkillers, and he's not back at work yet. That in itself scares me because I want my T to be invincible, not someone who can get injured. And I already haven't seen him for a week and half because of my spring break, when I had been going twice a week, so this is really hard. And the secretary that called isn't very nice-sounding, so I don't like her. And I'm really sad. I've been having suicidal thoughts on and off all week. I don't want to call him because I'm worried I'll bother him, and he's injured, so I don't want to bother him at all. And I don't know whether it would be ok to call or not. I just so want to hear his voice and talk to him. I have been missing him so so much, and now I'm just so sad that I can't see him.
>
> sunnydays*SD your T seems real sweet, I bet he wouldn't mind at all if you called. He won't answer the phone if he is not well, and if he's laying there bored, mebbe you will distract him. So it would be a good thing. I'm sure he has thot of you at some point. Yup, I'd say try and give him a call, you may or may not succeed, but try.
I send you good wishes.
Take care
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 20, 2007, at 21:25:25
In reply to How are ya'll doing without your T's?, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 19, 2007, at 8:42:53
Hang in there Lurpsie.
She be back soon.
Diss away.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 20, 2007, at 21:36:57
In reply to Re: How are ya'll doing without your T's?, posted by bil on March 19, 2007, at 16:31:14
Posted by sunnydays on March 20, 2007, at 22:02:30
In reply to Re: not great *maybe trigger* ? » sunnydays, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 20, 2007, at 21:24:21
I called him, but he didn't call me back today.
:(
That could mean he didn't check his messages, or he forgot to call me back, or any number of things. I'm supposed to see him tomorrow and I really really hope that he can come back to work. I'm not really believing that will happen at this point, though. :(
sunnydays
Posted by gazo on March 20, 2007, at 22:32:15
In reply to Re: not great *maybe trigger* ?, posted by sunnydays on March 20, 2007, at 22:02:30
There is something I have done which you might find helpful... write him a letter and tell him everything that is on your mind. I often mull things over in my head by having an imaginary conversation with my T. You could do the same on paper, as a letter or in a journal. Whether you give it to him would then be up to you.
Posted by DisTraught on March 25, 2007, at 7:57:20
In reply to Re: How are ya'll doing without your T's?, posted by bil on March 19, 2007, at 16:31:14
Hi All, been too depressed to post. Anyone any ideas for self-help books?
Penny
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on March 25, 2007, at 12:04:00
In reply to Suggested titles - self-help books?, posted by DisTraught on March 25, 2007, at 7:57:20
If you're super-depressed, I hope you are getting some supportive therapy right now.
If you feel up for "work" (personally, I've never been able to do any psychological heavy lifting when I've been super-depressed)
Which will help you understand a way to journal and interpret your thoughts on life.
For me, the best self-help book is a blank journal. I can write down my disorganized thoughts and fancies ranging from my shopping list to my plan for therapy that week and everything in between. and perhaps a stream of consciousness when I'm in some type of crisis mode.
I find the act of putting pen to paper (or typing on Babble) is very effective to help me sort through conflicting thoughts. I can look for patterns, talk about odd dreams I have had with my therapist.
***abuse trigger below**
In the last month before "break" She and I were going through my journal entries in some depth. I would make a copy for her and then we'd read them together. She helped me see that I have different voices. Sometimes I'm very self-destructive, and that is usually when I'm identifying with someone who abused me. Someone who committed violent acts on my person. And I want to punish myself. I never understood why before, but that is one of my recent insights.
Another pattern I noticed was this creative problem solving type who is artistic and resourceful. T says that's the source of my strength and if I try to nurture that part of me I will continue to survive and thrive.
Finally there's the voice of someone who just wants to be taken care of. That's the voice of my long-lost childhood. I identify with the child sometimes, and that's usually when I'm terrified, panicked and anxious-avoidant.I'm sure there are more patterns there, but you see what I mean?
It sure does help to have someone else to interpret and shine a light on your own writing, though, Otherwise it's easy to get into a pattern of only writing out despair and neglecting to focus on some of the little pinpoints of hope that exist even in the darkest depression.Next time you feel a tiny bit of pleasure or satisfaction or hope, try to write down the circumstance and note your body and mind's reaction to it.
I hope you feel better as soon as humanly possible,
_ll
Posted by Daisym on March 25, 2007, at 14:37:18
In reply to Suggested titles - self-help books?, posted by DisTraught on March 25, 2007, at 7:57:20
My favorite book that gave me hope about depression is called "Undercurrents." It isn't a self-help book but rather the journal of a therapist who suffers through her own depression. Her descriptions were so totally right on for me that I read the whole thing in a night saying, "yes, yes, yes!" There are some dark spots, I'll warn you.
I learned a lot from "The Beast" - again not exactly a self-help book but one that makes you think about what might work for you.
I hope you feel better soon.
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