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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on March 24, 2007, at 23:25:11
i stood outside looking up at the stars.. i am so lonely. i got drunk instead of getting my work finished. i'm starting to sober up some. no one wants me, truly, no one does.
i am not really depressed. my meds are fine. i am just struck by cold reality. i just can't face th truth or act on it when i see it.
i deleted the letter to the new T. i can't tell him about how bad it has been. i told my pdoc once that i have always known i will die by suicide. i am not suicidal now and i am afraid of going there again. i have come close before. i used to do a lot of things which were destructive.
i thought getting drunk was going to help me forget... instead it made me realize how much i don't really matter to anyone. i feel like someone's trash.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 25, 2007, at 0:19:48
In reply to the night sky, posted by gazo on March 24, 2007, at 23:25:11
hope you feel better some soon Gazo.
Alls I know is alcohol is poison to me.
Mebbe its not so good for you either?
Sigh.
Take it easy.
Be safe.
Posted by Dinah on March 25, 2007, at 0:23:22
In reply to the night sky, posted by gazo on March 24, 2007, at 23:25:11
In vino there is not always veritas. Just earlier today you were pleased with how well your work was going. You are not trash. You are a worthwhile human being struggling to do your best.
I did pretty good at work today, and was feeling pretty good about myself, then had such a good time in Chat that I didn't get back to it.
Tomorrow, I'll try to do well at work again. So you'll have a work buddy, even if I'm not online to talk to you about it because I'm working. :)
I'm sorry it's bad for you right now, and I'm glad you have the new therapist to talk about with it.
Posted by gazo on March 25, 2007, at 7:39:43
In reply to Re: the night sky, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 25, 2007, at 0:19:48
> hope you feel better some soon Gazo.
> Alls I know is alcohol is poison to me.
> Mebbe its not so good for you either?
> Sigh.
> Take it easy.
> Be safe.Thank you. It's not always so bad for me to drink.. just sometimes I fall into a pit when I drink. They say alcohol is a depressent I guess. I just wanted to cut loose a little, liven up, have some fun, even by myself.
Posted by gazo on March 25, 2007, at 7:40:27
In reply to Re: the night sky, posted by gazo on March 25, 2007, at 7:39:43
Posted by gazo on March 25, 2007, at 7:46:45
In reply to Re: the night sky, posted by Dinah on March 25, 2007, at 0:23:22
You're very kind, thank you. A work buddy? :D Cool.
See though? Today I am not thinking the same thoughts... at least not outloud... it's not that they aren't there, or the feelings aren't there, it's that I disconnect and have trouble getting to how I really feel.
I have to run a few errands or I don't get to eat. I'll try to ignore that weird smell in the kitchen until after I am done with work.
I can't lose my job. I can't lose my job.I can't lose my job.
Posted by Daisym on March 25, 2007, at 14:50:01
In reply to the night sky, posted by gazo on March 24, 2007, at 23:25:11
I've spent a long time in therapy circling that same sentence: "I just want to matter because of who I am, not what I do." It is so painful to have this be an internal truth. When I touch this spot, it makes me feel flayed open, like a fish plucked from the sea and gutted yet still alive. It is that painful.
So - I'm learning to think about who matters to ME. And when I think about that, I can see what I bring to that relationship, and what can be done to enhance it. I can see what destructive things I'm doing in order to keep the relationship, and try to change them. It is slow work.
I wish the world offered a way for everyone to feel wanted and useful. I wish we all had people who we knew would miss us if we were gone. Not just miss us because of the tasks we do, but would miss having a place to bring their love and know it was accepted and appreciated and reciprocated. Wouldn' that be truely wonderful?
I am going to encourage you to think about this. Who matters to you? And when you think about these people (or animals :) ) can you feel their loss if you weren't here? I think sometimes we convince ourselves we are alone and yet we don't take steps to try and fill the space for others who are also alone. Not easily done, believe me I know. But if we could step back to offering human kindness and connections, instead of thinking romantic love is the only way to fill the void, I think we'd all feel better.
All that said, I'm sorry you feel so alone. I wish camp comfort existed for real for all of us when we feel that way.
gentle hugs today,
Daisy
Posted by gazo on March 25, 2007, at 21:12:32
In reply to Re: the night sky » gazo, posted by Daisym on March 25, 2007, at 14:50:01
You are very very sweet.
> "I just want to matter because of who I am, not what I do." It is so painful to have this be an internal truth. When I touch this spot, it makes me feel flayed open, like a fish plucked from the sea and gutted yet still alive. It is that painful.
it is. thinking about how much I pour into things.. for what? No one notices. No one sees me as a *person*
>
> I wish the world offered a way for everyone to feel wanted and useful. I wish we all had people who we knew would miss us if we were gone.I have spent a LOT of thinking thinking about just that. It kills me that no one would really miss me. There are distant friends and family... but no one who would miss me because I wasn't there everyday. There wouldn't be a hole in anyone's world. There isn't any close friends or anyone nearby. I am already removed from everyone life in a way.
> can you feel their loss if you weren't here?
no.. except for my pet.> gentle hugs today,
Thank you Daisy. That was very thoughtful. I appreciate you taking the time.You know, you mentioned romantic love... *sigh. I have no desire for that really. As much as I would jump at the chance with my T, he has no interest in me. I know that there aren't many men out there who *aren't* T's who would have that level of understanding. No offense to any guys... just those men have been trained to really hear how you feel.
Posted by Daisym on March 26, 2007, at 0:18:47
In reply to Re: the night sky » Daisym, posted by gazo on March 25, 2007, at 21:12:32
I know you know this.
But I've heard that therapists often make terrible husbands/boy friends because they have nothing left to give at home. People listen to each other when they care, when they aren't tired and when they've been listened to themselves.
I wish we all had that.
Posted by gazo on March 26, 2007, at 11:06:56
In reply to Re: the night sky » gazo, posted by Daisym on March 26, 2007, at 0:18:47
> But I've heard that therapists often make terrible husbands/boy friends because they have nothing left to give at home.that's irony for you. I wonder if gynocologists have trouble in the bedroom. :o)
I get the reality of the situation. Doesn't lessen it though. It's overpowering. I do wonder if a T, someone I met not seen AS a T, would make a good partner. I can see why they might not, but then they all are supposed to see someone themselves periodically. Maybe they would really be drawn to someone who was willing to listen to them.
This is the end of the thread.
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