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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by peddidle on March 1, 2007, at 19:47:36
This is the first time my T, or any T, has ever asked me if I was suicidal. She asked flat out at the beginning of the session when she realized something was up, it made my stomach churn for some reason, then she asked again towards the end of the session. I said no both times, although, the second time she asked if I had felt suicidal at all recently, and I said not really. When she asked what "not really" means, I just said it meant no. What I really meant was that the thought had crossed my mind, but nothing I would ever act on.
She asked me if I wanted to come in on Monday (she's not here on Fridays) at the end of day after all of her appointments. I said I didn't know. She said she would just put me on her schedule, and I can just show up or not. But then she said that if I wasn't there, it should be because I was at this anxiety workshop that's being offerred at the same time. I said, "oh, so it has to be one or the other?" She laughed, but I'm not sure if she was serious or not. Of course I want to see her on Monday, but I don't think I really need to. Plus, if I see her Monday, does that mean I won't see her on Thursday? I won't see her the following week because of spring break, so it would be better to see her later in the week. Also, I'm so attached to her already, I don't want to make it worse by seeing her twice (or maybe once, but then not having my usual appointment) in the same week.
She gave me what I'm guessing is the usual depression lecture: I think you should go do something fun for yourself, even if you don't want to. Go get your nails done, take a break, then sit down and study and write your papers. Don't just curl up and avoid. Take a nap if you think it will help (I told her if I took a nap, I wouldn't get up, but then if I did, I would end up going to bed even later than I usually do). Get to that class on time Monday and prove to that professor that you are really trying hard not to be late. etc. etc.
She also said maybe I just need sleep. It's true, I haven't slept that much this week because I've been up late trying to write papers and study, and I do tend to feel worse when I'm sleep-deprived.
It's almost like I'm exaggerating, and that I really feel totally normal (for me anyway). Like right now, I'm watching TV and laughing. But then I think about a few years ago when I was the most depressed I've ever been. At the time, I thought that felt normal too, and it wasn't until later that I realized how depressed I really was. I don't feel any where near as bad as I did then, and I keep telling myself I would be able to tell if I was getting depressed. There have been a few times when I've felt like I was starting to get depressed, but then it went away after a while. Incidentally, I've never actually been diagnosed with depression, per se, the last diagnosis I got was dysthymia. Maybe I am depressed. I don't know.
It just occurred to me that if I were to walk into her office next time, and told her I feel fine, and that I must have just had a bad day or something, she will probably have one of two reactions: 1) She'll think I was being manipulative or something and I was just looking for attention.
2) She won't believe me. She'll think I really am depressed, and just avoiding the problem.Am I being manipulative? Am I really just exaggerating how I feel? Should I go on Monday?
Posted by Poet on March 1, 2007, at 20:58:30
In reply to Am I depressed? *possible trigger*, posted by peddidle on March 1, 2007, at 19:47:36
Hi Pediddle,
I'm dysthymic, too, and have periods where I am more depressed than usual, which a few times has ended up in a full blown major depression and thinking of enacting my plan. I think about suicide all the time, it's when I want to enact the plan that my T worries about me.
Maybe play it by ear for Monday. See how you're feeling, and if you don't think you need to see her call her and let her know. I know she said just show up or not, but I'm thinking that if it was my T she'd worry if I didn't show up, so I'd call her and tell her I'm okay. Remember to tell your T that you watched TV and laughed tonight, that might set her mind at ease about that you're feeling better.
I'm glad you're doing better. Hang in there.
Poet
Posted by sunnydays on March 1, 2007, at 21:34:05
In reply to Am I depressed? *possible trigger*, posted by peddidle on March 1, 2007, at 19:47:36
I've wondered similar things, and I don't have a good answer for you. I do remember asking my T once how he could say I was depressed when there were still some times when I could function normally or laugh or something. He said that you don't have to feel awful all the time to be depressed. I kind of think depression is a graded thing. It's not 'you have it or you don't' like cystic fibrosis for example (sorry, my genetics class is on my mind), it's something that can range from mild to severe. Maybe you are just more mildly depressed.
In any case, take her suggestions for taking care of yourself. They're good suggestions for anyone really, even if they're not depressed. I'm a student and I know how hard it can be to do work and keep up with things. It seems like I can never get enough sleep - I never want to get up. I think something about all that mental work is particularly draining. But try to keep up if you can. It'll reduce your stress levels overall.
I would encourage you to call and ask her tomorrow if you can see her both Monday and Thursday if you go on Monday. If she says no, your concern about seeing her later in the week is valid. And that anxiety workshop might be good.... :) But if she says you can do both, definitely take it. I don't think it will increase your attachment too much. In fact, since I started going twice a week this past week (and for various reasons have actually been three times in the past week) my attachment seems to have lessened somewhat. There is an added security in seeing them more, so we don't have to wish so much.
Best of luck to you. Now about that sleep... I should get some.
sunnydays
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 1, 2007, at 21:38:19
In reply to Am I depressed? *possible trigger*, posted by peddidle on March 1, 2007, at 19:47:36
I wish i had the right words pediddle.
It could be that your t has been hurt by a suicide, and so is overvigilant....
It could be things your saying to her that cumulatively are setting off alarms for her.
Depression is INCREDIBLY sneaky. I would think I would know when I am, but really i can't tell very well. Odd really.
I would specifically ask her.
Its up to you bout monday. Are you thinking of that workshop?
Sounds like your T really cares bout you.
I dunno, if you don't goto workshop, then mebbe you can drop in on your T just to ask her WHY? she so concerned? And make her be specific.
I don't know you so I don't know what to say really.
But we getting to know you.
And you seem articulate and nice.
Take care.
Posted by peddidle on March 5, 2007, at 21:48:02
In reply to Re: Am I depressed? *possible trigger* » peddidle, posted by Poet on March 1, 2007, at 20:58:30
> Hi Pediddle,
>
> I'm dysthymic, too, and have periods where I am more depressed than usual, which a few times has ended up in a full blown major depression and thinking of enacting my plan. I think about suicide all the time, it's when I want to enact the plan that my T worries about me.**Now I feel like maybe I am more depressed than usual. Maybe these last few weeks have just been more stressful than usual. I'm not sure. So is it "normal" to have thoughts about suicide? They kind of come and go throughout the day, and never last longer than a few seconds or a minute.
>
> Maybe play it by ear for Monday. See how you're feeling, and if you don't think you need to see her call her and let her know. I know she said just show up or not, but I'm thinking that if it was my T she'd worry if I didn't show up, so I'd call her and tell her I'm okay.**She wrote me back this morning (regarding the email I forwarded to her from my professor). At one point she said "We will talk more about this on Thursday." She ended the email with "See you Thursday." So I took that to mean she either didn't want me to come in today, or didn't think I needed to come in today. I would say maybe she forgot, but I know she put it on her schedule. So I didn't even bother popping in to say, hi, I'm fine, see you later. Who knows, maybe I'll get an email from her tomorrow morning asking where I was...although, I she probably would have sent that email this afternoon.
>
> I'm glad you're doing better. Hang in there.
>
> Poet**Thanks Poet!!
Posted by peddidle on March 5, 2007, at 22:17:57
In reply to Re: Am I depressed? *possible trigger* » peddidle, posted by sunnydays on March 1, 2007, at 21:34:05
> I've wondered similar things, and I don't have a good answer for you. I do remember asking my T once how he could say I was depressed when there were still some times when I could function normally or laugh or something. He said that you don't have to feel awful all the time to be depressed. I kind of think depression is a graded thing. It's not 'you have it or you don't' like cystic fibrosis for example (sorry, my genetics class is on my mind), it's something that can range from mild to severe. Maybe you are just more mildly depressed.
**That's a good point. Even when I was at my worst, I could still function somewhat normally. Like, I didn't really do any schoolwork, but I always went to class. But, sometimes I think, ok, so, I'm not allowed to ever be sad at all? I know that's not true, but sometimes it feels like if I'm even the slightest bit sad with no situational cause, my T (well, maybe not this T, but my previous ones) will say I'm depressed.
>
> In any case, take her suggestions for taking care of yourself. They're good suggestions for anyone really, even if they're not depressed. I'm a student and I know how hard it can be to do work and keep up with things. It seems like I can never get enough sleep - I never want to get up. I think something about all that mental work is particularly draining. But try to keep up if you can. It'll reduce your stress levels overall.**That's pretty much what she said. That I'm right at the point where if I start avoiding everything, it'll just make me that much more stressed/depressed, or I can go the other way and do the work, and maybe relieve some of the stress. It was around that time that I started to feel like maybe I was deceiving her. I don't know why, but I starting thinking, OK, I don't really feel that bad.
I know what you mean about the sleep thing, too. I'm usually tired all the time, but I still can't get to bed at a reasonable hour. Then, of course, I can't get up in the morning. This baffles my T, because I don't have any trouble actually falling asleep, I just can't get myself to go to bed.
>
> I would encourage you to call and ask her tomorrow if you can see her both Monday and Thursday if you go on Monday. If she says no, your concern about seeing her later in the week is valid. And that anxiety workshop might be good.... :) But if she says you can do both, definitely take it. I don't think it will increase your attachment too much. In fact, since I started going twice a week this past week (and for various reasons have actually been three times in the past week) my attachment seems to have lessened somewhat. There is an added security in seeing them more, so we don't have to wish so much.**Yeah, even just knowing I MIGHT see her today made me not miss her as much. Then I started thinking that maybe I wouldn't be as special to her if she saw me more than her other clients. (I apologize if that came out wrong, I didn't mean to imply anything about your T's feelings towards you.)
I did go to the workshop. I ran into a girl that I had just had class with who was also going, so I kind of just decided to go in with her. I didn't really learn anything I didn't already know, but whatever, it was something to do and it wasn't that boring.
>
> Best of luck to you. Now about that sleep... I should get some.
>**Thanks! Sweet dreams!
Posted by peddidle on March 5, 2007, at 22:30:57
In reply to Re: Am I depressed? *possible trigger* » peddidle, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 1, 2007, at 21:38:19
> I wish i had the right words pediddle.
> It could be that your t has been hurt by a suicide, and so is overvigilant....**I hadn't thought about that. I guess that's possible.
> It could be things your saying to her that cumulatively are setting off alarms for her.
**I guess that's possible, too. I know why she would be concerned about some of the things I was saying, but I wish I knew what the others were.
> Depression is INCREDIBLY sneaky. I would think I would know when I am, but really i can't tell very well. Odd really.
**It is strange. My T knows me better than I know myself, maybe I should ask her if I am.
> I would specifically ask her.
> Its up to you bout monday. Are you thinking of that workshop?
> Sounds like your T really cares bout you.**I think she really does. A couple of weeks ago, she even told me that she had thought about me since my last session (which had been 2 weeks earlier because she had to cancel the session before). She even seemed to think it was odd that I seemed to be surprised that she thought about me between sessions.
> I dunno, if you don't goto workshop, then mebbe you can drop in on your T just to ask her WHY? she so concerned? And make her be specific.**I think I will ask her. I also think I'm serious this time-- I [think I] will ask her.
> I don't know you so I don't know what to say really.
> But we getting to know you.
> And you seem articulate and nice.
> Take care.You seem nice, too. Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted by Poet on March 8, 2007, at 11:05:30
In reply to Re: Am I depressed? *possible trigger* » Poet, posted by peddidle on March 5, 2007, at 21:48:02
Hi Pediddle,
**Now I feel like maybe I am more depressed than usual. Maybe these last few weeks have just been more stressful than usual. I'm not sure. So is it "normal" to have thoughts about suicide? They kind of come and go throughout the day, and never last longer than a few seconds or a minute.
For me, it seems that thinking about suicide is *normal.* My T says it's a form of comfort for me, I have a way out if I can't take it anymore. She (and meds) got me through a major depression and suicidal period three years ago.
Poet
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