Posted by peddidle on March 1, 2007, at 19:47:36
This is the first time my T, or any T, has ever asked me if I was suicidal. She asked flat out at the beginning of the session when she realized something was up, it made my stomach churn for some reason, then she asked again towards the end of the session. I said no both times, although, the second time she asked if I had felt suicidal at all recently, and I said not really. When she asked what "not really" means, I just said it meant no. What I really meant was that the thought had crossed my mind, but nothing I would ever act on.
She asked me if I wanted to come in on Monday (she's not here on Fridays) at the end of day after all of her appointments. I said I didn't know. She said she would just put me on her schedule, and I can just show up or not. But then she said that if I wasn't there, it should be because I was at this anxiety workshop that's being offerred at the same time. I said, "oh, so it has to be one or the other?" She laughed, but I'm not sure if she was serious or not. Of course I want to see her on Monday, but I don't think I really need to. Plus, if I see her Monday, does that mean I won't see her on Thursday? I won't see her the following week because of spring break, so it would be better to see her later in the week. Also, I'm so attached to her already, I don't want to make it worse by seeing her twice (or maybe once, but then not having my usual appointment) in the same week.
She gave me what I'm guessing is the usual depression lecture: I think you should go do something fun for yourself, even if you don't want to. Go get your nails done, take a break, then sit down and study and write your papers. Don't just curl up and avoid. Take a nap if you think it will help (I told her if I took a nap, I wouldn't get up, but then if I did, I would end up going to bed even later than I usually do). Get to that class on time Monday and prove to that professor that you are really trying hard not to be late. etc. etc.
She also said maybe I just need sleep. It's true, I haven't slept that much this week because I've been up late trying to write papers and study, and I do tend to feel worse when I'm sleep-deprived.
It's almost like I'm exaggerating, and that I really feel totally normal (for me anyway). Like right now, I'm watching TV and laughing. But then I think about a few years ago when I was the most depressed I've ever been. At the time, I thought that felt normal too, and it wasn't until later that I realized how depressed I really was. I don't feel any where near as bad as I did then, and I keep telling myself I would be able to tell if I was getting depressed. There have been a few times when I've felt like I was starting to get depressed, but then it went away after a while. Incidentally, I've never actually been diagnosed with depression, per se, the last diagnosis I got was dysthymia. Maybe I am depressed. I don't know.
It just occurred to me that if I were to walk into her office next time, and told her I feel fine, and that I must have just had a bad day or something, she will probably have one of two reactions: 1) She'll think I was being manipulative or something and I was just looking for attention.
2) She won't believe me. She'll think I really am depressed, and just avoiding the problem.Am I being manipulative? Am I really just exaggerating how I feel? Should I go on Monday?
poster:peddidle
thread:737448
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/737448.html