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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ElaineM on February 18, 2007, at 19:05:02
Saw LadyT last week. She's so nice. So normal and nice, like how I remember her. Talks different than T. Feels like she thinks about what I say, and says actual content back. She's worried. I'm scared for myself.
Told her about SI and urge to hurt myself worse than that. She told me she'd rather I not be in a psych ward cause she thinks it'd only be harmful to me, but that if came down to stopping a suicide attempt, that I should definately go to ER. She said she's gonna talk to supervisor for more info.
And during our meeting she told me she would've added Com.PTSD to my diagnosis over a year ago. From so many consecutive deaths in family in short period of time - one really vulgar. She had more specific reasons too but I don't ever talk about those here. And that was before other stuff. Now she probably thinks i'm a disaster. Said she hoped T would catch it. :"( I don't know. She's asked to talk to T before. I always say No - don't give permission. It's impossible - she doesn't know T she sent me to, and T who loves are the same person. It's too risky for them to talk. She has very strong opinions about T-who-loves. Whatever. We didn't talk much about T anyways -- isn't about him.
Gave me a book about understanding trauma. Disappeared when she read me the title. Said sorry if it was a difficult word. Said other gross words like SA, and grosser. Cried when I talked about cutting my hair. :"( I'm so ugly. She said don't cut more for wrong reasons. I can't think. Promised not to cancel Group. She said that if I got there and wanted to cancel I could, but try to not do it before.
I was supposed to read book this weekend and can't go far. Like page 21 now - though its not big. I keep getting into places where I start shaking my head, like "confussion" and "no", and don't stop. Like, it feels impossible to stop. Like zone out when doing it. Get dizzy from doing it sometimes. I'm so f*cked up. Even reading bit about "safety" behaviours got me upset. I didn't know that that's what I do. That I have so many. And I skip the parts where people describe own experiences. Dont' know why it freaks me out. I can't control my head. i dont' get whats happening. I'm doing so bad right now. Feel like crying and crying. I want to stay with her. I'm more scared without her.And she didn't set another check-in date for the future! Even though it'll be far away, having an official dates helps me focus on future. :"( Nothing else in future that's not pain or procedures. Why do I have to be alone! :'( I hate myself! Hate. Not taking care properly. Too much things to look after lately. I can't stop shaking and crying. T isn't even bad right now. I'd be worse if he was. But crying is dangerous. Not like reading will fix anything anyways. :'( I kinda don't believe that once your head gets messed up that you can ever really fix it. God, people can't even fix your body once it's messed up! I wish I could, but I can't even talk myself into believing. So bad now.
I gave her Vday "appreciation" card. It felt right. And not tainted. And she said Thankyou. And that felt not tainted too. I miss her. :(
Posted by caraher on February 19, 2007, at 15:25:51
In reply to LadyT ***maybe trauma trig?, posted by ElaineM on February 18, 2007, at 19:05:02
(((El)))
I'm sorry you can't see her more regularly. She is good for you. You can be helped... you just need to find ways to let yourself be helped.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 20, 2007, at 0:00:51
In reply to Re: LadyT ***maybe trauma trig?, posted by caraher on February 19, 2007, at 15:25:51
Elaine
it's hard to read those books. you should only read it when you're in a safe place. if you're in an unstable place, they can be more unsettling than helpful, imho.I'm reading one right now. I can get through about 2 or 3 paragraphs without thinking- how come I never KNEW this stuff. how can this stranger know me better than I know myself.
it's unfair, elaine. plain and simple.
by the way- britney spears had a bad hair day recently and decided to buzz all of hers off. at least you and I have something left to style (grin)
my hair is pixie - punk on the left side (I sleep on my left side) and librarian on the right side.
gnight,
-L
Posted by philyra on February 20, 2007, at 10:46:03
In reply to LadyT ***maybe trauma trig?, posted by ElaineM on February 18, 2007, at 19:05:02
Elaine - can you ask LadyT for a followup? Or does she have to initiate it?
I hope you can see her again. Sounds like having a date in mind helps you at least a little bit.
I am so sorry you're hurting so bad. I'm trying to send some good energy your way. I hope you can do what you can to take care of yourself.
I know you don't want to tell her who T is. I'm just sitting here wondering if there's any part of you that does want to tell. Maybe here would be a good way to express that, if it's true. I don't know if it is, I'm just wondering.
philyra
Posted by muffled on February 25, 2007, at 0:06:59
In reply to LadyT ***maybe trauma trig?, posted by ElaineM on February 18, 2007, at 19:05:02
(((EL)))
Have you been able to get ahold of ladyT to book a followup appt in future? It would be nice to have it on your calendar.
I wish somehow you could be more honest with her. Mebbe you could somehow tell her w/o details? I'm not sure...
There must be support for you out there somewhere, please try and keep looking.
Posted by ElaineM on February 25, 2007, at 15:13:26
In reply to Re: LadyT » ElaineM, posted by muffled on February 25, 2007, at 0:06:59
>>>>it's hard to read those books. you should only read it when you're in a safe place. if you're in an unstable place, they can be more unsettling than helpful, imho.
I think that's what I've found out. It's hard though to put it down too though. I was in the bookstore and what I was reading started bringing on a full panic attack. Like, my chest/shoulder muscles started to seize, and my breathing jumped up into my throat, and lately (because the attacks have been coming so strongly and so often) I lose my hearing [like it'll whoosh in and out on one side, which makes me lose my balance easily] and dizziness. But in the midst of it all, I feel compelled to read more and faster to figure everything out. Like if I finish reading more, there will be a key somewhere. I know that type of magic thinking is untrue, but I feel I must try it anyways.
I've decided to try and just stick to the small book LadyT gave me. Trying to trust that she picked that one for a reason -- that it was as okay as one could be for me to read by myself.
===============
>>>>>can you ask LadyT for a followup? Or does she have to initiate it?I'm sorry I can't respond lately. I don't have anything in me. But since I wrote this thread, the desperation won and I sent a pretty big email away to her. She emailed back like a few hours later and said that the was really booked and wouldn't be able to put together an appropriate response to my questions and stuff until next week - but that she wanted me to know she'd read it already, and wanted to reassure that she didn't feel or think anything different of me by any of the stuff I've shared with her lately. :") THat's enough for me. I can wait, if I know that something (answers, procedures, results, endings, whatnot) is gonna be coming eventually. But, one of the things I mentioned was that I was nervous not having another check-in date set, and that I knew it wouldn't be soon, by just knowing the date helps. Usually I need to wait four or five months inbetween meeting though. I'll just have to see what she says.
>>>>>I'm just sitting here wondering if there's any part of you that does want to tell.
Philyra, you wondered right :) About a month ago I wrote to her how torn I am sharing the T-stuff with her. I desperately don't want to have all this to deal with alone IRL, but I'm so afraid that I'll be really upset one day, lose control, and not censor myself properly when I write her. I worry I'll let something slip, and that it'll light a fuse that I won't be able to stop. But I worry cause I also have moments where the urge to tell her it all is so strong. I'm not ever gonna do that, but I don't want my fear of it just happening to stop me from talking with her. It's so hard.
==========
>>>>>>I wish somehow you could be more honest with her. Mebbe you could somehow tell her w/o details?Glad you're around Muff. I've been pretty honest with her about T -- and completely honest with her about other things. THe only thing she doesn't know is his specific identity. But she's helping with my other stuff, and that's been more upsetting to me lately than T.
======
One thing that just happened was that T let slip the name of his T. Usually he refers to him by initial, but last meeting (which was a him-session) he was worked up and it slipped out. He looked shocked when he said it. I tried not to let my expression change, so he wouldn't be upset with himself. But the first thing I did when I got home was look up this other T. He's a bigshot. He's worked with a T I kinda knew a few years ago -- I don't know why that frightens me. Maybe cause I feel like every single T where I am knows each other. It seems like such a ridiculously small world. Makes me want to not talk to anyone ever again. I was looking at a picture of him and he looks monster-ish and scary and repulsive to me. Almost all other T's look like that to me. Looking at a websites that show pics of T's make me feel the same. Looking at them makes me feel sick. Trying to imagine being in a room with them, and having their words touch my ears makes me nauceous -- so gross. Men and women. Even the others who I sometimes pass on the way to LadyT's office (all of whom I was used to before, and thought nothing of) look sinister too. It even takes me a few mintues to settle into meetings with LadyT in person -- like, she seems off-putting and wrong too, for the first few minutes. THen... I don't know...it's weird, it's like I take off a mask that was on her. Like, "Oh, it's really only you." Okay, I'm psycho.Anyways, I'm trying to stay present -- though I'm taking more ativan then I ever have in my life. Don't even know if it helps -- or if I take it cause I want to feel like I'm doing something. All I feel is hazy - it doesn't lessen the anxiety or shorten the attacks - it doesn't even relax my muscles. I don't know. Rambling now.
Thanks guys. Sorry I don't respond soon, or well, now. You help (((((supporters))))
blove El
Posted by muffled on February 26, 2007, at 0:05:43
In reply to responses: everyone, posted by ElaineM on February 25, 2007, at 15:13:26
>Like if I finish reading more, there will be a key somewhere. I know that type of magic thinking is untrue, but I feel I must try it anyways.
**I love your honesty El :)
> I've decided to try and just stick to the small book LadyT gave me. Trying to trust that she picked that one for a reason -- that it was as okay as one could be for me to read by myself.**sounds good idea
>>can you ask LadyT for a followup? Or does she have to initiate it?
> I'm sorry I can't respond lately. I don't have anything in me. But since I wrote this thread, the desperation won and I sent a pretty big email away to her. She emailed back like a few hours later and said that the was really booked and wouldn't be able to put together an appropriate response to my questions and stuff until next week - but that she wanted me to know she'd read it already, and wanted to reassure that she didn't feel or think anything different of me by any of the stuff I've shared with her lately. :")**Wow she sounds REALLY nice. And GOOD FOR YOU for reaching out to her.
>THat's enough for me. I can wait, if I know that something (answers, procedures, results, endings, whatnot) is gonna be coming eventually. But, one of the things I mentioned was that I was nervous not having another check-in date set, and that I knew it wouldn't be soon, by just knowing the date helps. Usually I need to wait four or five months inbetween meeting though. I'll just have to see what she says.
**El, thats what I so admire about you. Your acceptance and patience. I realize you have no choice perhaps, but your writings are so tolerant. I think I would be so much more angry. Mebbe your too tired for anger even :( I'm sorry (((El)
>>I'm just sitting here wondering if there's any part of you that does want to tell.
> Philyra, you wondered right :) About a month ago I wrote to her how torn I am sharing the T-stuff with her. I desperately don't want to have all this to deal with alone IRL, but I'm so afraid that I'll be really upset one day, lose control, and not censor myself properly when I write her. I worry I'll let something slip, and that it'll light a fuse that I won't be able to stop. But I worry cause I also have moments where the urge to tell her it all is so strong. I'm not ever gonna do that, but I don't want my fear of it just happening to stop me from talking with her. It's so hard.
>>I wish somehow you could be more honest with her. Mebbe you could somehow tell her w/o details?
> Glad you're around Muff. I've been pretty honest with her about T -- and completely honest with her about other things. THe only thing she doesn't know is his specific identity. But she's helping with my other stuff, and that's been more upsetting to me lately than T.
**I'm sorry you have so much going on...
I was thinking. If you DID say who T was, well, DID he ever actually physically abuse you? I'm not so sure he has broken any actual law of T's? He may have pushed the line and then some, but actual crime? After all he IS VOLUNTARILY in treatment now. Presumably HIS T has an inkling of what has been going on.....so really, the cat is already halfway out of the bag....and sometimes I wonder if its one of those situations where it might be terrible and life changing to be caught out, but then strangley, even though it was terribly painful at the time, it actually ends up being a releif, and ends up being for the best?????
At SOME point your T is going to have to deal with this, if he is to truly heal, he is going to have to be honest with his T. He never will truly be free unless he shares the truth. And then it will be known.
Maybe you can tell him, "that this whole thing is too great a burden for me, that he has his T, and he NEEDS to be honest with his T, if not for himself, then for YOU. And you need to have outside support, outside of your relationship with him. He has it, you need it too. And you need to be honest with your lady T. FULLY honest. And the chips will fall where they will. And there is no anger or revenge here, just compassion and strength, and the stronger person doing what really needs to be done for the good of ALL.
So warn him, then TALK.
And what he chooses to do, right or wrong, good or bad, IS HIS CHOICE. You cannot carry him. My T supports me as best she can, but if I chose to make bad choices, she knows that she has done as best she can, whats in my best interests, and the rest is up to me. There is nothing else she can do, and she knows she cannot blame herself if I do bad things. It is MY CHOICE.
Sorry for the lecture, but it seems like this has gone on long enough, and your T needs truth and honesty if he ever truly wants to be free.
You can come alongside him in support, but you cannot carry him.> One thing that just happened was that T let slip the name of his T. Usually he refers to him by initial, but last meeting (which was a him-session) he was worked up and it slipped out. He looked shocked when he said it. I tried not to let my expression change, so he wouldn't be upset with himself. But the first thing I did when I got home was look up this other T. He's a bigshot. He's worked with a T I kinda knew a few years ago -- I don't know why that frightens me. Maybe cause I feel like every single T where I am knows each other. It seems like such a ridiculously small world. Makes me want to not talk to anyone ever again. I was looking at a picture of him and he looks monster-ish and scary and repulsive to me. Almost all other T's look like that to me. Looking at a websites that show pics of T's make me feel the same. Looking at them makes me feel sick. Trying to imagine being in a room with them, and having their words touch my ears makes me nauceous -- so gross. Men and women. Even the others who I sometimes pass on the way to LadyT's office (all of whom I was used to before, and thought nothing of) look sinister too. It even takes me a few mintues to settle into meetings with LadyT in person -- like, she seems off-putting and wrong too, for the first few minutes. THen... I don't know...it's weird, it's like I take off a mask that was on her. Like, "Oh, it's really only you." Okay, I'm psycho.
**Not psych, totally understandable paranoia.
I take AT LEAST 20 mins or more to get used to T after not seeing her for only a week! Sometimes I don't get used to her for the whole session!> Anyways, I'm trying to stay present -- though I'm taking more ativan then I ever have in my life. Don't even know if it helps -- or if I take it cause I want to feel like I'm doing something. All I feel is hazy - it doesn't lessen the anxiety or shorten the attacks - it doesn't even relax my muscles. I don't know. Rambling now.
Have you tried klonopin or xanax, they work a little differently. I personally do not like ativan at all, actually makes me anxious cuz it makes me feel drugged. But I OK w/xanax and klon for some reason? Dunno why? Worth a try though for you I would definately say.
> Thanks guys. Sorry I don't respond soon, or well, now. You help (((((supporters))))
>
> blove El**Ya b-lov right back atcha. Just reply when you can. And thank you.
Sorry if I got kinda on a run there, but I felt quite strongly that I wanted to get my point across right.
Take care El.
Posted by MidnightBlue on February 26, 2007, at 0:15:26
In reply to responses: everyone, posted by ElaineM on February 25, 2007, at 15:13:26
Elaine,
I'm so glad you posted! I've been worried about you.
HUGS,
Midnightblue
Posted by philyra on February 28, 2007, at 19:33:44
In reply to responses: everyone, posted by ElaineM on February 25, 2007, at 15:13:26
Elaine - I think you're carrying a huge burden. I hope you are getting support around it...here at least.
I'm so sorry things have been so rough. I feel so sad about your situation, and so awed by the strength and compassion in your posts (even though I know you say you don't feel very strong)
Keeping you in my thoughts...and you respond soon enough, and always well, as far as I'm concerned. :)
take care,
philyra
This is the end of the thread.
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