Posted by ElaineM on February 25, 2007, at 15:13:26
In reply to Re: LadyT » ElaineM, posted by muffled on February 25, 2007, at 0:06:59
>>>>it's hard to read those books. you should only read it when you're in a safe place. if you're in an unstable place, they can be more unsettling than helpful, imho.
I think that's what I've found out. It's hard though to put it down too though. I was in the bookstore and what I was reading started bringing on a full panic attack. Like, my chest/shoulder muscles started to seize, and my breathing jumped up into my throat, and lately (because the attacks have been coming so strongly and so often) I lose my hearing [like it'll whoosh in and out on one side, which makes me lose my balance easily] and dizziness. But in the midst of it all, I feel compelled to read more and faster to figure everything out. Like if I finish reading more, there will be a key somewhere. I know that type of magic thinking is untrue, but I feel I must try it anyways.
I've decided to try and just stick to the small book LadyT gave me. Trying to trust that she picked that one for a reason -- that it was as okay as one could be for me to read by myself.
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>>>>>can you ask LadyT for a followup? Or does she have to initiate it?I'm sorry I can't respond lately. I don't have anything in me. But since I wrote this thread, the desperation won and I sent a pretty big email away to her. She emailed back like a few hours later and said that the was really booked and wouldn't be able to put together an appropriate response to my questions and stuff until next week - but that she wanted me to know she'd read it already, and wanted to reassure that she didn't feel or think anything different of me by any of the stuff I've shared with her lately. :") THat's enough for me. I can wait, if I know that something (answers, procedures, results, endings, whatnot) is gonna be coming eventually. But, one of the things I mentioned was that I was nervous not having another check-in date set, and that I knew it wouldn't be soon, by just knowing the date helps. Usually I need to wait four or five months inbetween meeting though. I'll just have to see what she says.
>>>>>I'm just sitting here wondering if there's any part of you that does want to tell.
Philyra, you wondered right :) About a month ago I wrote to her how torn I am sharing the T-stuff with her. I desperately don't want to have all this to deal with alone IRL, but I'm so afraid that I'll be really upset one day, lose control, and not censor myself properly when I write her. I worry I'll let something slip, and that it'll light a fuse that I won't be able to stop. But I worry cause I also have moments where the urge to tell her it all is so strong. I'm not ever gonna do that, but I don't want my fear of it just happening to stop me from talking with her. It's so hard.
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>>>>>>I wish somehow you could be more honest with her. Mebbe you could somehow tell her w/o details?Glad you're around Muff. I've been pretty honest with her about T -- and completely honest with her about other things. THe only thing she doesn't know is his specific identity. But she's helping with my other stuff, and that's been more upsetting to me lately than T.
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One thing that just happened was that T let slip the name of his T. Usually he refers to him by initial, but last meeting (which was a him-session) he was worked up and it slipped out. He looked shocked when he said it. I tried not to let my expression change, so he wouldn't be upset with himself. But the first thing I did when I got home was look up this other T. He's a bigshot. He's worked with a T I kinda knew a few years ago -- I don't know why that frightens me. Maybe cause I feel like every single T where I am knows each other. It seems like such a ridiculously small world. Makes me want to not talk to anyone ever again. I was looking at a picture of him and he looks monster-ish and scary and repulsive to me. Almost all other T's look like that to me. Looking at a websites that show pics of T's make me feel the same. Looking at them makes me feel sick. Trying to imagine being in a room with them, and having their words touch my ears makes me nauceous -- so gross. Men and women. Even the others who I sometimes pass on the way to LadyT's office (all of whom I was used to before, and thought nothing of) look sinister too. It even takes me a few mintues to settle into meetings with LadyT in person -- like, she seems off-putting and wrong too, for the first few minutes. THen... I don't know...it's weird, it's like I take off a mask that was on her. Like, "Oh, it's really only you." Okay, I'm psycho.Anyways, I'm trying to stay present -- though I'm taking more ativan then I ever have in my life. Don't even know if it helps -- or if I take it cause I want to feel like I'm doing something. All I feel is hazy - it doesn't lessen the anxiety or shorten the attacks - it doesn't even relax my muscles. I don't know. Rambling now.
Thanks guys. Sorry I don't respond soon, or well, now. You help (((((supporters))))
blove El
poster:ElaineM
thread:733960
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/736127.html