Posted by ElaineM on February 18, 2007, at 19:05:02
Saw LadyT last week. She's so nice. So normal and nice, like how I remember her. Talks different than T. Feels like she thinks about what I say, and says actual content back. She's worried. I'm scared for myself.
Told her about SI and urge to hurt myself worse than that. She told me she'd rather I not be in a psych ward cause she thinks it'd only be harmful to me, but that if came down to stopping a suicide attempt, that I should definately go to ER. She said she's gonna talk to supervisor for more info.
And during our meeting she told me she would've added Com.PTSD to my diagnosis over a year ago. From so many consecutive deaths in family in short period of time - one really vulgar. She had more specific reasons too but I don't ever talk about those here. And that was before other stuff. Now she probably thinks i'm a disaster. Said she hoped T would catch it. :"( I don't know. She's asked to talk to T before. I always say No - don't give permission. It's impossible - she doesn't know T she sent me to, and T who loves are the same person. It's too risky for them to talk. She has very strong opinions about T-who-loves. Whatever. We didn't talk much about T anyways -- isn't about him.
Gave me a book about understanding trauma. Disappeared when she read me the title. Said sorry if it was a difficult word. Said other gross words like SA, and grosser. Cried when I talked about cutting my hair. :"( I'm so ugly. She said don't cut more for wrong reasons. I can't think. Promised not to cancel Group. She said that if I got there and wanted to cancel I could, but try to not do it before.
I was supposed to read book this weekend and can't go far. Like page 21 now - though its not big. I keep getting into places where I start shaking my head, like "confussion" and "no", and don't stop. Like, it feels impossible to stop. Like zone out when doing it. Get dizzy from doing it sometimes. I'm so f*cked up. Even reading bit about "safety" behaviours got me upset. I didn't know that that's what I do. That I have so many. And I skip the parts where people describe own experiences. Dont' know why it freaks me out. I can't control my head. i dont' get whats happening. I'm doing so bad right now. Feel like crying and crying. I want to stay with her. I'm more scared without her.And she didn't set another check-in date for the future! Even though it'll be far away, having an official dates helps me focus on future. :"( Nothing else in future that's not pain or procedures. Why do I have to be alone! :'( I hate myself! Hate. Not taking care properly. Too much things to look after lately. I can't stop shaking and crying. T isn't even bad right now. I'd be worse if he was. But crying is dangerous. Not like reading will fix anything anyways. :'( I kinda don't believe that once your head gets messed up that you can ever really fix it. God, people can't even fix your body once it's messed up! I wish I could, but I can't even talk myself into believing. So bad now.
I gave her Vday "appreciation" card. It felt right. And not tainted. And she said Thankyou. And that felt not tainted too. I miss her. :(
poster:ElaineM
thread:733960
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/733960.html