![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on February 23, 2007, at 21:32:45
This is going to probably be full of all kinds of triggers, so be careful. It's useless, stream of consciousness rambling but I juust have to get it out.
I'm hurting a lot. I thought the adderall was going to work, but I think it was just a trick. I think it was more the newness of the job and being busy than the drug, because every evening has gotten a little bit worse this week, culminating with a pretty good dose of depression tonight. I have no doubt tomorrow will be just as difficult.I'm hungry. But I'm not eating. I dont care, I'm just not. I dont care if I'm hungry. I've lost a few lbs recently (less than 5, but I'm very petite, so I can see the difference). I guess on some level I'm trying to keep losing. But on another, it's not even that.. I just dont care what I want. Too bad. I'm not eating any more tonight. Whatever.
My arm is covered in cuts at multiple stages of healing. But the thing is, I'm not "good" at it anymore. I'd stopped cutting for a long time until the last few months, and I cant do it like I used to be able to. I cant even tell you how mad that makes me. I feel like I cant even cut myself right. What kind of loser cant even hurt themselves right?
I've been having issues getting in with Ginny here recently because of work. I finished training but I'm shadowing people now, so my schedule isnt very flexible, and it keeps forcing me to cancel appts. She only works 2 days a week and has a pretty full caseload, so its hard to get in any other times. Last time I saw her was on Monday and I'll go back again Tues, unless they spring something on me at work on Mon.. which wouldnt surprise me all that much at all. In a couple weeks it wont matter because I'll set my own schedule, but this is when I really need her. I feel like I'm watching myself just fall to pieces, self destruct, worse and worse every day, and theres just nothing I can do to stop it.
I see my pdoc again on Wed (in theory!) Going to tell him whats going on of course, but little hope that anythhing magical will occur while I'm there. My depression has been pretty much medication resistant up to this point.. I thought adderall might have been something, but I dont think it is after all.
I'm feeling ignored. I'm feeling alone. I'm feeling angry at a lot of people. I want someone to pay attention to me. I miss my T. None of those statements are about anyone here, so please dont think that.
Not sure if I posted about this but I was going to go to the hospital last Friday. Had pulled out clothes and everything, was all ready. Pdoc called and told me I shouldnt do it and just to keep doing the outpatient thing because I wasnt dangerous enough to myself and didnt need to be admitted. Probably true. I'm suicidal on some level, but not terribly dangerous right now. Just deteroriating into a mess of nothing instead. So it's not even an option in my mind anymore. Besides, I just got about $2000 (After insurance) in bills from the hospital for last time... thats more than I even have in my bank account. I'd go back to partial if I could, but no way.. work, but more importantly, I've used up all the partial days my insurance will cover, and its quite expensive.Rambling, I'm sorry. I dont expect anyone to really have anything to say. It's okay. I'm just feeling really desperate and had to get it out.
Thanks for listening.
Posted by mair on February 23, 2007, at 22:45:15
In reply to useless rambling... long.. *triggers*, posted by wishingstar on February 23, 2007, at 21:32:45
I wish I had some pearls of wisdom. I've been in this awful place before where I can't stop thinking about suicide, and yet I know I'm not at risk. And I'd say to myself that I really should hurt myself if I'm just going to think about it so much. Fortunately, if you can ride these waves for awhile, they do peter out. It just makes life very unpleasant in the meantime.
I'm sorry you're having so much trouble getting together with your T.
I can hold out a couple of glimmers of hope. As you noted, you really are pretty close to coming up with a more set schedule. And - try not to give up on the meds solutions. I've been thought to be pretty treatment resistant for years (my T calls me a partial responder). But on several occasions when I thought that there really was nothing anyone could do for me, I've been surprised to discover that some fairly small adjustments made a big difference, at least temporarily. Is it at all possible that some of your depression may actually be exacerbated by the meds you're taking, or by the dosage and frequency? And while I equate trying new meds with a form of modern day torture, maybe another change is in order.
Please keep posting - early and often.
mair
Posted by caraher on February 24, 2007, at 5:19:08
In reply to useless rambling... long.. *triggers*, posted by wishingstar on February 23, 2007, at 21:32:45
(((wishingstar)))
I'm sorry you feel so bad... it IS going to get better! Please take care of yourself even if you don't feel like it.
Posted by wishingstar on February 24, 2007, at 11:07:38
In reply to Re: useless rambling... long.. *triggers* » wishingstar, posted by mair on February 23, 2007, at 22:45:15
> I wish I had some pearls of wisdom. I've been in this awful place before where I can't stop thinking about suicide, and yet I know I'm not at risk. And I'd say to myself that I really should hurt myself if I'm just going to think about it so much. Fortunately, if you can ride these waves for awhile, they do peter out. It just makes life very unpleasant in the meantime.
>Thanks for understanding mair... although I'm sorry you've been in this place too. It certainly isnt fun. I get so mad at myself for talking about suicide for so long, having nothing change for so long, and STILL not acting on it. I often say I must be a very slow learner. I know thats irrtational, but it feels real. And then I just feel like a loser for not being able to get it together enough to take action. I've been riding these waves for so long, I'm just at the end of my rope. I dont have anything left in me to fight them right now, or even to make me want to.
>Is it at all possible that some of your depression may actually be exacerbated by the meds you're taking, or by the dosage and frequency? And while I equate trying new meds with a form of modern day torture, maybe another change is in order.
>I dont think so. I just started adderall about a week ago and initially thought it was going to help, but I think it was another factor (new job), not the drug, because it doesnt seem to make a difference now. I havent taken anything long-term.. more than maybe 2 months.. long enough to figure out it isnt making a bit of difference.. then I'm off it. And I havent even experimented with any new drugs in the last 2 months because I was sick for awhile then couldnt get in to see my dr.
I see him again Wed, hopefully.. if my work lets me go. I'm still on their schedule for training and it isnt really flexible yet. I'm sure he'll give me something else new to try, and if he wants me to stay on the adderall too, I will.. but it doenst seem to make any difference. Perhaps a higher dose.
I agree its just like modern day torture. My T is always telling me to keep my hope up that one will work, but its hard when this is how it goes... get new drug, pay $100 or so for it, take it, stay up all night for a few days throwing up, unable to sleep, or any other number of fun things.. then either be forced to go off it because of side effects or keep taking it.. only to have the dr agree that it isnt going to work a few months later.. and start all over. Not a lot of hope in that. But please, lets do it again! Ugh.
> Please keep posting - early and often.
>thank you mair.
trying to get it together today. I'm planning to probably SI some more this weekend. I know, it's a bad plan, but I'm trying my best. Hopefully going to go out and do some errands in a bit. Trying to hang in there.
Posted by wishingstar on February 24, 2007, at 11:09:57
In reply to Re: useless rambling... long.. *triggers*, posted by caraher on February 24, 2007, at 5:19:08
> (((wishingstar)))
>
> I'm sorry you feel so bad... it IS going to get better! Please take care of yourself even if you don't feel like it.If the past is the best predictor of future feelings/behaviors, I'm not so sure.
Why take care of myself? I truly dont see why it makes a difference. Sure, it's not nice to myself.. but so? I have to hold myself together somehow.
thanks caraher.
Posted by Poet on February 24, 2007, at 17:24:51
In reply to useless rambling... long.. *triggers*, posted by wishingstar on February 23, 2007, at 21:32:45
((((Wishingstar)))
I wish all meds worked right away, I've never been on Adderall, but I have been on Paxil and Effexor XR and both took two weeks to kick in, so to speak.
Sorry you're feeling so low that you need to SI. I don't cut, but I binge and purge which took me until last year to admit was a form of self injury. Anxiety triggers my binges. Usually when I'm depressed I don't eat, but this time around my anxiety is worse than my depression so I have gained weight. Which I have to lose as quickly as I can, sigh, the SI merry go round.
I hope you can see Ginny on Tuesday. Count down the days until you get your own work schedule. It's something to look forward to and when it happens there'll be less stress because you'll be able to see Ginny on a regular basis again.
Keep rambling to us, letting it out is better than trying to keep it all inside.
Poet
Posted by wishingstar on February 24, 2007, at 19:41:38
In reply to Re: useless rambling... long.. *triggers* » wishingstar, posted by Poet on February 24, 2007, at 17:24:51
Thanks poet...
Adderall is one of those drugs that works within an hour or so. A lot of college students abuse it to help them focus and study, for example. The very first day I took it I felt like I was high, but its been a slow decline since then. I didnt take it this afternoon, and dont feel any different than when I was. But I see my pdoc on Wed.
About the job.. unfortunately, I dont really know when I'll be able to start setting my own schedule. As I get more comfortable, and new cases appear, I'll take them. So even though I know it wont be more than a few weeks, theres so definite date for me to look towards. If there was, I think it'd be a little bit easier...
You know what I really need.. this will sound wacky given how much I hated it last time.. but I just want to be admitted for a few days. I have no delusions that theyre going to nurture me or take care of me there (they wont). I just need the break. I need to not have to fight to be safe all the time. I need to have some real time to talk to my dr about this meds situation. But that isnt going to happen.
Whine whine whine. I just dont know what to do. I dont know how to help myself anymore.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.