Posted by wishingstar on February 24, 2007, at 11:07:38
In reply to Re: useless rambling... long.. *triggers* » wishingstar, posted by mair on February 23, 2007, at 22:45:15
> I wish I had some pearls of wisdom. I've been in this awful place before where I can't stop thinking about suicide, and yet I know I'm not at risk. And I'd say to myself that I really should hurt myself if I'm just going to think about it so much. Fortunately, if you can ride these waves for awhile, they do peter out. It just makes life very unpleasant in the meantime.
>Thanks for understanding mair... although I'm sorry you've been in this place too. It certainly isnt fun. I get so mad at myself for talking about suicide for so long, having nothing change for so long, and STILL not acting on it. I often say I must be a very slow learner. I know thats irrtational, but it feels real. And then I just feel like a loser for not being able to get it together enough to take action. I've been riding these waves for so long, I'm just at the end of my rope. I dont have anything left in me to fight them right now, or even to make me want to.
>Is it at all possible that some of your depression may actually be exacerbated by the meds you're taking, or by the dosage and frequency? And while I equate trying new meds with a form of modern day torture, maybe another change is in order.
>I dont think so. I just started adderall about a week ago and initially thought it was going to help, but I think it was another factor (new job), not the drug, because it doesnt seem to make a difference now. I havent taken anything long-term.. more than maybe 2 months.. long enough to figure out it isnt making a bit of difference.. then I'm off it. And I havent even experimented with any new drugs in the last 2 months because I was sick for awhile then couldnt get in to see my dr.
I see him again Wed, hopefully.. if my work lets me go. I'm still on their schedule for training and it isnt really flexible yet. I'm sure he'll give me something else new to try, and if he wants me to stay on the adderall too, I will.. but it doenst seem to make any difference. Perhaps a higher dose.
I agree its just like modern day torture. My T is always telling me to keep my hope up that one will work, but its hard when this is how it goes... get new drug, pay $100 or so for it, take it, stay up all night for a few days throwing up, unable to sleep, or any other number of fun things.. then either be forced to go off it because of side effects or keep taking it.. only to have the dr agree that it isnt going to work a few months later.. and start all over. Not a lot of hope in that. But please, lets do it again! Ugh.
> Please keep posting - early and often.
>thank you mair.
trying to get it together today. I'm planning to probably SI some more this weekend. I know, it's a bad plan, but I'm trying my best. Hopefully going to go out and do some errands in a bit. Trying to hang in there.
poster:wishingstar
thread:735544
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/735713.html