Posted by wishingstar on February 23, 2007, at 21:32:45
This is going to probably be full of all kinds of triggers, so be careful. It's useless, stream of consciousness rambling but I juust have to get it out.
I'm hurting a lot. I thought the adderall was going to work, but I think it was just a trick. I think it was more the newness of the job and being busy than the drug, because every evening has gotten a little bit worse this week, culminating with a pretty good dose of depression tonight. I have no doubt tomorrow will be just as difficult.I'm hungry. But I'm not eating. I dont care, I'm just not. I dont care if I'm hungry. I've lost a few lbs recently (less than 5, but I'm very petite, so I can see the difference). I guess on some level I'm trying to keep losing. But on another, it's not even that.. I just dont care what I want. Too bad. I'm not eating any more tonight. Whatever.
My arm is covered in cuts at multiple stages of healing. But the thing is, I'm not "good" at it anymore. I'd stopped cutting for a long time until the last few months, and I cant do it like I used to be able to. I cant even tell you how mad that makes me. I feel like I cant even cut myself right. What kind of loser cant even hurt themselves right?
I've been having issues getting in with Ginny here recently because of work. I finished training but I'm shadowing people now, so my schedule isnt very flexible, and it keeps forcing me to cancel appts. She only works 2 days a week and has a pretty full caseload, so its hard to get in any other times. Last time I saw her was on Monday and I'll go back again Tues, unless they spring something on me at work on Mon.. which wouldnt surprise me all that much at all. In a couple weeks it wont matter because I'll set my own schedule, but this is when I really need her. I feel like I'm watching myself just fall to pieces, self destruct, worse and worse every day, and theres just nothing I can do to stop it.
I see my pdoc again on Wed (in theory!) Going to tell him whats going on of course, but little hope that anythhing magical will occur while I'm there. My depression has been pretty much medication resistant up to this point.. I thought adderall might have been something, but I dont think it is after all.
I'm feeling ignored. I'm feeling alone. I'm feeling angry at a lot of people. I want someone to pay attention to me. I miss my T. None of those statements are about anyone here, so please dont think that.
Not sure if I posted about this but I was going to go to the hospital last Friday. Had pulled out clothes and everything, was all ready. Pdoc called and told me I shouldnt do it and just to keep doing the outpatient thing because I wasnt dangerous enough to myself and didnt need to be admitted. Probably true. I'm suicidal on some level, but not terribly dangerous right now. Just deteroriating into a mess of nothing instead. So it's not even an option in my mind anymore. Besides, I just got about $2000 (After insurance) in bills from the hospital for last time... thats more than I even have in my bank account. I'd go back to partial if I could, but no way.. work, but more importantly, I've used up all the partial days my insurance will cover, and its quite expensive.Rambling, I'm sorry. I dont expect anyone to really have anything to say. It's okay. I'm just feeling really desperate and had to get it out.
Thanks for listening.
poster:wishingstar
thread:735544
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/735544.html