Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 710907

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Has anyone read Social Intelligence?

Posted by Dinah on December 6, 2006, at 13:46:21

"Social Intelligence"

Maybe I find everything depressing at the moment, but I find this book unbelievably depressing.

Some of the things he speaks of as being part of being human are the very things I struggle with. They're not at all innate in me. Social rhythm, synchronicity, conversational timing, postural mirroring. They are as far beyond me as clapping in time to rhythm, no matter how loud and strong the rhythm may sound, even to me.

It's something my mother isn't good at either, and I was wondering about that when I was reading about infants learning these skills from their mothers before they learn to speak. But on the other hand, a genetic deficit would also explain it for both of us. I hope my son took after my husband, who seems to do those things effortlessly.

They don't sound like something that can be learned. Am I doomed?

 

Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » Dinah

Posted by Declan on December 6, 2006, at 14:22:12

In reply to Has anyone read Social Intelligence?, posted by Dinah on December 6, 2006, at 13:46:21

Some people (like me) have very poor physical coordination, so I am somewhat cheered to hear that you have trouble clapping in time.
I found it difficult to march. It was explained to me that the left hand went forward at the same time as the right foot, but by that stage I was in such a state that I couldn't master the concept, much less the practice.
Piano lessons were therefore unsuccessful, even though I'm musical enough.

There's a Dalai Lama book that is coauthored by the social intelligence bloke, I think. It has interesting subject titles about transforming negative mental states, but I forget the title.

 

Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » Dinah

Posted by happykat on December 6, 2006, at 18:46:42

In reply to Has anyone read Social Intelligence?, posted by Dinah on December 6, 2006, at 13:46:21

This sounds like a fascinating read. Does it go on the premise that we connect with each other socially on an unconscious level or does it go beyond into neurobiology?

HK :)

 

Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence?

Posted by laima on December 7, 2006, at 20:05:12

In reply to Has anyone read Social Intelligence?, posted by Dinah on December 6, 2006, at 13:46:21

Wow, I'm reading that right now! Close to halfway through, and full of bent-over pages marking spots to re-read later.
I saw an interview with the author on tv, that's how I found out about the book. I remember reading his previous book, Emotional Intelligence, and it made a huge impression on me. His wife writes about psychology, too, and is a huge endorser of people's ability to change. Anyway, he seemed upbeat, and if I remember correctly, told the interviewer that we all can indeed get better at reading the various cues that he talks about in his book. Maybe becoming aware of them is a place to start? In a way, I feel like he's letting us in on a bunch of secrets. I read a different article about microexpressions somewhere, and that other author made a huge fuss about how most people can't consiously read them, but improve significantly after some coaching and instruction.


> "Social Intelligence"
>
> Maybe I find everything depressing at the moment, but I find this book unbelievably depressing.
>
> Some of the things he speaks of as being part of being human are the very things I struggle with. They're not at all innate in me. Social rhythm, synchronicity, conversational timing, postural mirroring. They are as far beyond me as clapping in time to rhythm, no matter how loud and strong the rhythm may sound, even to me.
>
> It's something my mother isn't good at either, and I was wondering about that when I was reading about infants learning these skills from their mothers before they learn to speak. But on the other hand, a genetic deficit would also explain it for both of us. I hope my son took after my husband, who seems to do those things effortlessly.
>
> They don't sound like something that can be learned. Am I doomed?

 

Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » happykat

Posted by laima on December 7, 2006, at 20:12:03

In reply to Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » Dinah, posted by happykat on December 6, 2006, at 18:46:42


From what I've gathered so far, among other things, he's saying that people communicate unconsiously with split second expressions that are beyond control. They're involuntary. Others read these split-second expressions unconsciously, too. He also discusses a lot of other non-verbal communication behaviors, such as gestures, how we stand when we like or dislike someone, etc. He also discusses mirror neurons, which were only recently discovered- they mimic others' emotional states and are therefore important for understanding empathy. Very interesting!


> This sounds like a fascinating read. Does it go on the premise that we connect with each other socially on an unconscious level or does it go beyond into neurobiology?
>
> HK :)
>

 

Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » laima

Posted by happykat on December 7, 2006, at 20:30:16

In reply to Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » happykat, posted by laima on December 7, 2006, at 20:12:03

Thanks Laima,

That's what I thought. I just read "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell and its the same sort of concept. That we size situations up in a split second. I'm going to go get "Social Intelligence" tomorrow. Sounds like a great read!

happykat :)

 

Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » laima

Posted by Dinah on December 9, 2006, at 9:08:47

In reply to Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence?, posted by laima on December 7, 2006, at 20:05:12

I think the part that distressed me was the part about social synchronization. How when two people talk they breathe either together or in alternating breaths, how there are microscopic pauses that indicate it's time for the other person to speak, and that eventually the synchrony ends, the people's breathing changes, and this indicates the encounter is coming to a natural close. As well as the mirroring of stance and expression.

I know darn well I am lousy at all those things. It's why I find face to face meeting so excrutiating.

On the other hand, the part about emotion contagion I recognized as something I do a lot. Although it bewilders me that I manage to do that without being at all able to mirror, which is how he says it's done.

I guess I haven't gotten to the part yet where he says it can be learned. I wonder if people are training to teach this and if a teacher will every find his or her way here.

Thanks, Laima, for giving me a glimpse ahead.

 

Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » happykat

Posted by Dinah on December 9, 2006, at 9:13:22

In reply to Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » Dinah, posted by happykat on December 6, 2006, at 18:46:42

It definitely goes into neurobiology.

I think the parts that interest me most are about therapists. It amuses me to think of all those therapy sessions where client and therapist are wired, and I wonder how they can be natural under those circumstances.

While, as I said, I don't do mirroring well, and my therapist occasionally makes me giggle by showing me my posture and expression in therapy (which are totally at odds with my feelings), I can see how things *he* does affects the encounter.

For example, therapy usually goes best when he's leaning back in his chair with his legs sprawled out in front of him. Sometimes when things aren't going well, I can see him visibly move to this posture and relax his muscles, and moving to this open stance really appears to affect the way he speaks, and my response as well.

 

Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » Dinah

Posted by laima on December 9, 2006, at 12:56:06

In reply to Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » laima, posted by Dinah on December 9, 2006, at 9:08:47


Hi Dinah,

I'm still barely halfway through the book, so I don't know if he mentions it in the book or not, but I was actually thinking of the tv interview with him that I saw. I seem to remember that he said in the interview that people can learn to improve their abilities with all this stuff. The details of exactly what he said escape me right now (it's been a few months), but definately, I remember I was struck that his tone and demeaner were very positive. Though questioned by the interviewer, he definately did not display any sort of "you're stuck with how you are" attitude during that session. I should also say, it was a different author who very, very explicitly said that people can improve their ability to read microexpressions. That was in Scientific American Mind recently. I apologize if I wasn't clear due to my excitement over the topic.

The "mirroring" part I'm not sure about, I think he is saying in the book that this happens pretty automatically? I'm eager to keep reading, to see what else he says. Regardless, I've tried to put a positive spin on it for myself, and suspect that as we feel better and more confident, perhaps then this improves automatically? I hunch this, because I can sense I have a tendency to get this "wrong" when I am particularly anxious or upset, but that it seems to work out much, much better when I'm feeling pretty good and content. I think it's because when I'm feeling better I tend to interact more naturally: not so inclined to try to falsely project that everything is fine when it's not, or to want to draw out the interaction longer than it should be because I feel desperate for company or reassurance, and so on.

I have to say, I'm not so sure my parents were always so great at this, either. Mixed. Their specialty has been to put up an overly-enthused facade of "Everything's going really great! And now we must be on our way." I've wondered if others can read through that sort of falseness, (even though my parents are experts at it), and if it makes interactions strained or superficial. Most of their friends do the exact same thing, though. But as for other people, do they hear the words and semi-faked expression that say "everything's great", but sense a mismatch with subtler cues (a 'la mirroring, microexpression)- and become uncomfortable as a result? I wonder if that is an example of how a mirroring mismatch, a synchronization problem, can get started.

Now of course, how do we bridge? Perhaps the "contagion" can work to our advantage if we get ourselves into a room full of people who are doing well and we get overwhelmed by them? (I'm not sure, that's my own speculation.)

When you say "the part about emotion contagion I recognized as something I do a lot", do you mean you catch emotions easily, or other people catch yours? I ask, I'm very curious to hear more of what you think, because I actually have a huge fear that when I'm not feeling well, people will catch my emotions and not like me anymore as a result- so I end up isolating myself at the very times I could probably stand to be more sociable.

Do you know, I was wondering if anyone credible is teaching or coaching this stuff, too!

Laima

 

Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » Dinah

Posted by laima on December 10, 2006, at 15:39:15

In reply to Re: Has anyone read Social Intelligence? » laima, posted by Dinah on December 9, 2006, at 9:08:47


Hmm. So Dinah, last night I got deep enough into the book to find out what you are talking about- I was reading about babies and children modeling with their parents, and the reprecussions of these early experiences. Tough stuff, not easy reading. I did find a couple of short paragraphs at the end of the chapter that I read (p 171-172) which suggested that a positive, nurturing, "reparative" relationship with a therapist, a significant other, or a good friend could help an adult overcome early experiences. But I would have liked to see him elaborate a bit more- still hoping he does so later in the book.



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