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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on November 1, 2006, at 0:24:13
I'm thinking about the discussion above -- Annie's post and Dinah's response about not getting what we need from our therapists. It might not be that they do anything wrong - it is just that there is a disconnect from what we need. And I don't think we always know what we need.
Well, maybe it's just me -- I don't always know what I need.
I talked to my therapist yesterday about how hard things are and how I was thinking I wanted a break -- because therapy was so painful. I guess not therapy itself, but the longing I feel in between sessions and how alone I feel so much of the time. During the discussion yesterday, something shifted. It took me awhile to figure it out, but I think it partly was him thinking out loud about what was really going on with me. It made me realize that he really was concerned, and that he hadn't already made up his mind that I was "just" being a brat and selfish and needy. It made it possible for me to think a little deeper about all these "weekend" feelings. I mean, I knew that there had to be more to these feelings because they were so out of proportion to the actual reality, but I just couldn't figure out what was really wrong. All I could do was rail against how unfair it is that I can't have him as much as I want.
Today I told him that I no longer wanted to take a break. And with a lot of encouragement, I read him the original letter and we talked about all the hurt feelings. And suddenly there was this light bulb. Perhaps one of the reasons I've been having such a hard time on the weekend is because when I was a kid, weekends WERE dangerous. There was a period of time when I was nine that my mom and dad split up. I'd have to go to his apartment for the weekend, and then return home and pretend that everything was fine, that nothing "bad" happened. She didn't want to hear about problems anyway.
This realization was sort of surreal. My therapist drew the parallels instantly. I've felt for months that I needed to survive weekends without him. And then on Mondays, I'd feel safe again, with him. But I couldn't tell him how hard the weekend had been, because I thought he didn't want to hear it. Actually, I thought I was supposed to be handling it better, so I didn't want him to know what I was feeling. As I talked, I cried a lot. As he talked, he made these sort of soothing clucking noises. He said, "it was right in front of our noses all along."
So to break out of what feels like a reenactment, my therapist talked about needing to find a way for me to feel more connected over the weekends. He suggested that I call in and leave him messages and let him know how I am. And I could decide if I needed him to call me back or not. I'm resisting that suggestion, I think I'll take up too much time and space. He also wants me to bring in my journal pages on Monday and share them, at least as much as I can. He made me promise to tell him more about what is going on inside my head and heart when I'm not with him. I think he is worried. I just feel horrible to keep casting him as my mother all over the place. It is so hard to find balance in all of this, isn't it?
Posted by Racer on November 1, 2006, at 2:04:26
In reply to Staring us in the face, posted by Daisym on November 1, 2006, at 0:24:13
> He suggested that I call in and leave him messages and let him know how I am. And I could decide if I needed him to call me back or not. I'm resisting that suggestion, I think I'll take up too much time and space.
That's exactly what I was thinking as I read your post. "I wonder if he could ask her to call and check in over the weekend?" I think it's a great idea, for more than one reason.
The first reason is the obvious one: to help you get through the weekends.
The second, though, is to help you get over that thing about not wanting to take up space! (OK, I'm projecting, because that's largely why I don't call between appointments. I pay for my T's time for one individual session a week, and two groups a month. I "shouldn't" ask for more than that.) That's why I posted on Sunday about my nightmare -- because I did call my T, and leave a message about it. She's told me in the past that she thinks it's a good sign if I call, since it means I'm feeling more connected to her, to trust her more, to rely on her more. That thought is pretty scary for me, I almost couldn't type the R-word. You do trust your T, though, and you do rely on him. How about trusting him and relying on him over the weekends?
Do you remember Sparkling Bright? The intern I saw for a while after finally firing the Ts from that agency? She had me call and check in every weekend. If I didn't, she called me to find out why I hadn't. Ultimately, she wasn't the right fit for me, but that did help a lot when I needed it. Not so much because I couldn't get through the weekend, but because I didn't feel so much that I couldn't ask for help. I was scheduled to ask for help, you know?
In fact, when the new pdoc told me that if I had any trouble with the Zoloft I could contact him right away by email, I knew I couldn't -- and I really wished he would suggest that I check in on a schedule. I can't ask for it, but I wish it would happen.
I hope you can take your T up on it, Daisy, because I think it would help you -- and I think he does care about you enough to want to do it. Not to allow it, but to want it.
xoxo
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 1, 2006, at 7:19:48
In reply to Staring us in the face, posted by Daisym on November 1, 2006, at 0:24:13
It is hard to find balance, but I continue to be impressed with your efforts and with how hard you and your T are working. And I don't believe you'll "take up too much space" if you need to connect with your T over the weekend. He made a fully-informed offer, right? And he's smart and wise and kind, so he wouldn't have made the offer if he thought it was "too much." I think part of the process for all of us, after railing against a system that doesn't give us all the things we need, is to learn to accept and enjoy getting some of our needs met. Does that make sense?
Posted by Dinah on November 1, 2006, at 9:24:57
In reply to Staring us in the face, posted by Daisym on November 1, 2006, at 0:24:13
I think it was great that you were able to do that!
Trust is such a funny thing. Even when I feel it, sometimes I just don't trust the trust, or something like that.
Going ahead and taking the plunge took a lot of courage.
I suspect your therapist knows his limits, and knows how to take care of himself. He wouldn't have offered if he couldn't handle it.
Posted by Fallsfall on November 2, 2006, at 8:20:47
In reply to Staring us in the face, posted by Daisym on November 1, 2006, at 0:24:13
Excellent.
You guys work together so well.
It was worth pushing through this.
Good job!
Posted by Daisym on November 2, 2006, at 15:02:15
In reply to Re: Staring us in the face » Daisym, posted by Racer on November 1, 2006, at 2:04:26
I think we are going to try a phone call check in on Sundays since this is the hardest day for me. I've been trying to imagine what in the world I'll say though.
And I think this wouldn't be such a hard thing if once-upon-a-time we hadn't done this, kind of. My therapy has grown past it, and he has had to make some changes due to a personal issue. So it DOES feel intrusive and regressive.
I asked him yesterday if he had changed his mind, did he get caught up in my grief and offer this without thinking? He said "I can take care of myself. I want you to learn how to sort out when you need to feel connected and when you really need contact. One way or another, I AM going to teach you it is OK to need me." He was so admant I had to laugh.
I gave him a pin for Halloween that says,"Well, EXCUSE ME for not anticipating your EVERY need." I said it was the perfect therapist's pin. He wore it proudly! :)
Posted by Daisym on November 2, 2006, at 15:04:42
In reply to Re: Staring us in the face » Daisym, posted by TherapyGirl on November 1, 2006, at 7:19:48
What you said about accepting and getting some of our needs met makes sense. But it feels so scary. How do you "pay" for getting these needs met? And what if the price is too high, but now you have an identified need? And how do you sort a need from a want?
It shouldn't be this hard. But this is exactly what I struggle with.
Posted by Daisym on November 2, 2006, at 15:12:00
In reply to Re: Staring us in the face » Daisym, posted by Dinah on November 1, 2006, at 9:24:57
You sound just like him Dinah. He tells me I don't have to take care of him. But it is hard not to.
And trust is hard. Because I DO trust him. I don't trust ME. Does that make any sense? I'm just sure I'll wreck our relationship somehow. He tells me that he won't let me, that he can handle whatever I come up with. But boy, lately I've been giving him a run for his money.
Yesterday we agreed that therapy is a bunch of beginnings. We don't start over...we take a breath and begin again. And begin again. It was nice to think about it like that, instead of messing it up and fixing it. It still feels weird to criticize him, even if part of it is a projection.
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 2, 2006, at 15:57:25
In reply to Re: Staring us in the face » TherapyGirl, posted by Daisym on November 2, 2006, at 15:04:42
I think it's not this hard if you had basic needs met as an infant/young child. For us, it's very hard.
I wish I had some answers for you. I've been at this for over 21 years and, as you know, I often still lose my mind over my relationship with my T. But in my saner moments, it's enough. It's enough that she's my T, it's enough that she knows how to help me be safe when I can't do it myself, it's enough that she knows all my secrets, it's enough that she's stuck by me the way no one else ever has. It doesn't mean I never want more, because I often do. But my goal is to one day have it be enough 100% of the time.
And I don't have to pay for it. She accepts the love I give her and she appreciates the woman I've grown to be. Maybe that's enough for her?
In the meantime, I have what I have and it's better than the alternative. It's scary to need someone that much; it's scary to be afraid that I won't have her one day. When we first started, she used to tell me I was going straight from the start of our relationship to the end of it and not even considering the middle part. She was right, as she usually is about these things. It's hard to appreciate the middle, but I do try.
Posted by annierose on November 2, 2006, at 16:23:43
In reply to Staring us in the face, posted by Daisym on November 1, 2006, at 0:24:13
That's bigger than a lightbulb moment --- it's a lightening bolt! I'm sorry that you have to live through those weekends.
Sundays are hard for me too. And like always, we come from these feelings from opposite experiences but feel the same way in the end. For me, I associate Sundays with my grandma. Our family would go to church and she would have lunch for us every week. My grandma was the one person in my life that loved me no matter what. I felt loved in her presence, she radiated happiness and acceptance. Now I feel the emptiness and lonliness of the day.
I'm so glad you are going to have your check in phone calls again. I understand the awkwardness you may feel. But he will soothe your fears once he starts talking. He's good on the phone (or so I remember).
Telling our t's what we need is extremely hard. My t asked me today, "How can I help you?". It took awhile to come up with my reply. And I think I figured out something else. We're not used to letting others in, at least close enough to want to help us. We grew up thinking that we have to take care of ourselves. But your t does want to help you. And I think he already has. I am so happy that you found each other.
Posted by Daisym on November 2, 2006, at 22:00:40
In reply to Re: Staring us in the face » Daisym, posted by Fallsfall on November 2, 2006, at 8:20:47
Thanks for the pat on the back, Falls. When we are working well together, it is pretty great. Which is why when we aren't, it feels so horrible. What is the country song? "If it hadn't been so good, it wouldn't hurt this bad..."
The hard part about new insights is the "now what?" feeling I always get. I suspect that is what i will write about this weekend.
This is the end of the thread.
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