Posted by Daisym on November 1, 2006, at 0:24:13
I'm thinking about the discussion above -- Annie's post and Dinah's response about not getting what we need from our therapists. It might not be that they do anything wrong - it is just that there is a disconnect from what we need. And I don't think we always know what we need.
Well, maybe it's just me -- I don't always know what I need.
I talked to my therapist yesterday about how hard things are and how I was thinking I wanted a break -- because therapy was so painful. I guess not therapy itself, but the longing I feel in between sessions and how alone I feel so much of the time. During the discussion yesterday, something shifted. It took me awhile to figure it out, but I think it partly was him thinking out loud about what was really going on with me. It made me realize that he really was concerned, and that he hadn't already made up his mind that I was "just" being a brat and selfish and needy. It made it possible for me to think a little deeper about all these "weekend" feelings. I mean, I knew that there had to be more to these feelings because they were so out of proportion to the actual reality, but I just couldn't figure out what was really wrong. All I could do was rail against how unfair it is that I can't have him as much as I want.
Today I told him that I no longer wanted to take a break. And with a lot of encouragement, I read him the original letter and we talked about all the hurt feelings. And suddenly there was this light bulb. Perhaps one of the reasons I've been having such a hard time on the weekend is because when I was a kid, weekends WERE dangerous. There was a period of time when I was nine that my mom and dad split up. I'd have to go to his apartment for the weekend, and then return home and pretend that everything was fine, that nothing "bad" happened. She didn't want to hear about problems anyway.
This realization was sort of surreal. My therapist drew the parallels instantly. I've felt for months that I needed to survive weekends without him. And then on Mondays, I'd feel safe again, with him. But I couldn't tell him how hard the weekend had been, because I thought he didn't want to hear it. Actually, I thought I was supposed to be handling it better, so I didn't want him to know what I was feeling. As I talked, I cried a lot. As he talked, he made these sort of soothing clucking noises. He said, "it was right in front of our noses all along."
So to break out of what feels like a reenactment, my therapist talked about needing to find a way for me to feel more connected over the weekends. He suggested that I call in and leave him messages and let him know how I am. And I could decide if I needed him to call me back or not. I'm resisting that suggestion, I think I'll take up too much time and space. He also wants me to bring in my journal pages on Monday and share them, at least as much as I can. He made me promise to tell him more about what is going on inside my head and heart when I'm not with him. I think he is worried. I just feel horrible to keep casting him as my mother all over the place. It is so hard to find balance in all of this, isn't it?
poster:Daisym
thread:699490
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/699490.html