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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jammerlich on October 31, 2006, at 13:25:00
I just can't. There is no way I can keep going to T if every day is like this one. F*ck all of this. I don't want it. I can't stand the way I feel. I'm spacey, can't concentrate, can hardly breathe and it seems like I'm typing with logs instead of fingers. I think I might pass out and I hope I do. It really wouldn't be so bad. Nope, not at all.
She was nice enough, but I just wanted her to know. I don't want to freaking talk about it every week and I think that's her plan. She said, towards the end, that if things happened during the week I should let her know before we dive into this other stuff each week!!!! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Everything is in an uproar. Bad, bad, bad....mistake, mistake, mistake. SHE WILL HURT YOU. She did it before and she will do it again. I told her I was afraid I'd do "it" all wrong. She said there were no right and wrong ways; no grades. That's got to be the biggest bunch of b*llshit I have ever heard. There most certainly ARE grades; two of them: 'see you next week' and 'I'm sorry, but you can't come back.'
Call me a failure or whatever you want; but, I'm not going back. I'm just not.
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2006, at 13:40:27
In reply to I cannot do this, posted by jammerlich on October 31, 2006, at 13:25:00
It's ok to let her know that this was a big step, just to talk about it at all. And that you need to move slowly, at a pace that doesn't overwhelm your life outside therapy.
It's ok to ask to work on coping skills before going too deeply into this.
It's ok to ask her to respect your pace.
There is no pass or fail in therapy. There may be a pass or fail of *therapists*.
But if you are clear to her that your ultimate goals are the same (if they are) but that you really need to set the pace yourself, for your own wellbeing and functioning between sessions, how can she not see the wisdom of that?
Posted by Anneke06 on October 31, 2006, at 16:31:16
In reply to I cannot do this, posted by jammerlich on October 31, 2006, at 13:25:00
Remember that you're in control of this. You get to decide what you talk about and when or if. You get to decide the pace. Her "plan" is just that...her idea of what might be best....it does not have to be your plan and it doesn't have to be what you do in therapy.
Does she know how worried you are about her leaving you hanging again? Is there anything she could do or say that might make it easier for you to trust her?
You've been through so much recently, I wish there was a way to fast forward through all of this and get to the feeling better part.
You're not a failure...whatever you decide to do. Sharing what you did with your t was a hard thing and took a lot of courage. You get to decide what the next step looks like and when you're going to take it.
Posted by jammerlich on October 31, 2006, at 17:36:07
In reply to Re: I cannot do this » jammerlich, posted by Anneke06 on October 31, 2006, at 16:31:16
I was just too ashamed of it all. It was horrible. I was so scared I'd see disappointment or disapproval or some other unpleasant something there. Her voice sounded sort of o.k.; but, I didn't feel comforted. And I want comfort; lots and lots of it.
She also wrote a lot of notes. I really, really hate it when she takes notes. I didn't even say all that much. What could she have written?
Posted by Jost on October 31, 2006, at 18:03:13
In reply to Re: I cannot do this » jammerlich, posted by Anneke06 on October 31, 2006, at 16:31:16
Jammerlich, when you do something this hard, it's frightening, and it feels out of control.
Maybe this terrible panic is part of the feelings that you've got from earlier times, and maybe it's going to feel really too much. Because you're facing feelings and memories that were and maybe are, for the moment still, too much.
It doesn't have to stay this way, though.
You don't have to reexperience the old trauma. I know you might not be able to feel that now-- but I'm hoping that you will.
Perhaps that was your experience once-- but fears don't have to be repeated forever, even if it's really hard now.
If you need her to back off, to let it rest for a while before you're ready to bring it up again, I have a feeling she'll accept that. You need to let her know. A good T would'nt want you to go too fast, wouldn't want you to re-experience too much before you're ready.
A good T will also realize that you've taken a big step, and that part of what someone who's experienced these things needs is to feel in control of how and when it's brought up now. That's part of having a different and better experience with her.
You can do it. It's hard, but I hope you will be able to tell her some of what you need, even if you couldn't tell anyone in the past.
Jost
Posted by Daisym on October 31, 2006, at 18:32:35
In reply to I cannot do this, posted by jammerlich on October 31, 2006, at 13:25:00
Oh Jammerlich,
If I could, I'd make you some tea and cream of wheat and sit with you while you tried to eat. And I might read to you or sit next to you on a swing and just let the quiet comfort us. If you needed to cry, that would be OK too. And if you needed to be held and soothed...well, I'm a safe person with a large lap, so I can handle that too.
Telling is soooo hard and soooo scary. I know. I've been where you are. And I hear your fear all over your post.
*******Everything is in an uproar. Bad, bad, bad....mistake, mistake, mistake. SHE WILL HURT YOU. She did it before and she will do it again. ***********
She won't hurt you on purpose. She might step on your toes on accident. But this is where you need to anchor your younger, terrified self to the adult who can say, "this is too hard, I need a break from it." Something about her made her trust you enough to give her your writings. Some part of you is ready to be heard. Go slow. You've done the hardest part. You told. You lived through it. The sky didn't fall and the sea didn't boil. And she won't tell anybody else.
******I told her I was afraid I'd do "it" all wrong. She said there were no right and wrong ways; no grades. That's got to be the biggest bunch of b*llshit I have ever heard. There most certainly ARE grades; two of them: 'see you next week' and 'I'm sorry, but you can't come back.'*****
I seriously wish I had a dollar for everytime I've said this in therapy. Being abandoned because you told is the worst, worst fear. It isn't reasonable nor rational. But is is a very real fear. Short of threatening to harm your therapist, I think the rules in therapy ar e simple - be as honest as you can and take care of yourself. If you need to pull back, do so.There is a book called "The Body Remembers." One of the things I liked in it was the suggestion to build yourself an oasis so you can take a break from the terror of the memories. And we've talked off and on here about building a safe place for yourself. The oasis idea is sort of like that except you carry it in your mind. So if therapy becomes overwhelming, you can go to this calming place mentally and bring yourself back down.
*********Call me a failure or whatever you want; but, I'm not going back. I'm just not.**********
The very last thing I'd want to call you is a failure. You are so brave - do you realize how much courage it took to give her your writings, and then remind her she had them? And then, go back in there today to talk about them? No - not a failure. A huge, brave success. You don't have to go back - but I would encourage you to. It gets easier and your therapist can help you feel less shameful about what happened to you.
The first time I told, I left and threw up in the bushes outside my therapist's office. And then I went to bed for the whole weekend.
Your reaction is normal and expected. Do you have anyone who knows this stuff that can sit with you awhile? It will be OK...really it will.
Hang in there.
Daisy
Posted by Jost on October 31, 2006, at 21:23:07
In reply to I couldn't even look at her, posted by jammerlich on October 31, 2006, at 17:36:07
{{{{{Jammerlich}}}}}
Jost
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 31, 2006, at 22:19:09
In reply to Re: I couldn't even look at her, posted by Jost on October 31, 2006, at 21:23:07
(((((Jammerlich)))))
I know you want comfort. I wish I could be there to give you some. I hear muffled has a very quiet cave. No sounds, and no need to see or be seen. It's safe there.
There's always camp comfort too.
I'm going to go to bed in a minute, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I'll loan you my T if you want (she's kind of petite, but motherly, kind, speaks carefully, but with consideration)
tell your T about your fear. your feelings. e-mail her, fax her, but tell her. it's important. they're strong feelings, and they're hurting feelings.
good night jammer,
I hope you get some rest.do you take any medications, see a pdoc?
maybe you can tell pdoc that you got some acute anxiety- related to really difficult therapy. need some help.((((more safe hugs))))
-Li
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