Posted by Daisym on October 31, 2006, at 18:32:35
In reply to I cannot do this, posted by jammerlich on October 31, 2006, at 13:25:00
Oh Jammerlich,
If I could, I'd make you some tea and cream of wheat and sit with you while you tried to eat. And I might read to you or sit next to you on a swing and just let the quiet comfort us. If you needed to cry, that would be OK too. And if you needed to be held and soothed...well, I'm a safe person with a large lap, so I can handle that too.
Telling is soooo hard and soooo scary. I know. I've been where you are. And I hear your fear all over your post.
*******Everything is in an uproar. Bad, bad, bad....mistake, mistake, mistake. SHE WILL HURT YOU. She did it before and she will do it again. ***********
She won't hurt you on purpose. She might step on your toes on accident. But this is where you need to anchor your younger, terrified self to the adult who can say, "this is too hard, I need a break from it." Something about her made her trust you enough to give her your writings. Some part of you is ready to be heard. Go slow. You've done the hardest part. You told. You lived through it. The sky didn't fall and the sea didn't boil. And she won't tell anybody else.
******I told her I was afraid I'd do "it" all wrong. She said there were no right and wrong ways; no grades. That's got to be the biggest bunch of b*llshit I have ever heard. There most certainly ARE grades; two of them: 'see you next week' and 'I'm sorry, but you can't come back.'*****
I seriously wish I had a dollar for everytime I've said this in therapy. Being abandoned because you told is the worst, worst fear. It isn't reasonable nor rational. But is is a very real fear. Short of threatening to harm your therapist, I think the rules in therapy ar e simple - be as honest as you can and take care of yourself. If you need to pull back, do so.There is a book called "The Body Remembers." One of the things I liked in it was the suggestion to build yourself an oasis so you can take a break from the terror of the memories. And we've talked off and on here about building a safe place for yourself. The oasis idea is sort of like that except you carry it in your mind. So if therapy becomes overwhelming, you can go to this calming place mentally and bring yourself back down.
*********Call me a failure or whatever you want; but, I'm not going back. I'm just not.**********
The very last thing I'd want to call you is a failure. You are so brave - do you realize how much courage it took to give her your writings, and then remind her she had them? And then, go back in there today to talk about them? No - not a failure. A huge, brave success. You don't have to go back - but I would encourage you to. It gets easier and your therapist can help you feel less shameful about what happened to you.
The first time I told, I left and threw up in the bushes outside my therapist's office. And then I went to bed for the whole weekend.
Your reaction is normal and expected. Do you have anyone who knows this stuff that can sit with you awhile? It will be OK...really it will.
Hang in there.
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:699329
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/699412.html