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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 23, 2006, at 17:12:56
I put myself on high alert to take care of myself. I am in between T's right now. I start with the new one in about 5 days.
I have to make it until then. I'm trying so hard.
I feel like my head is going to explode. I have this headache that assaults me everytime I wake up. Today it never went away, despite coffee, despite 2 aleve. I lay down for 3 hours this afternoon. I just listened to the hands of the clock ticking 1-2-3-4 breathe in 1-2-3-4 breathe out 1-2-3-4 breathe in 1-2-3-4 otherwise I would stop breathing and gasp when I realized I was forgetting to breathe.
Trying to get myself into a trance state, so that at least I can tell my heart to stop racing and my fists to stop clenching.
Finally I was so tired, that I figured I might as well try to get some real sleep. As soon as I neared the sleepy place, I had horrible visions. The voice started up- trying again to make sense out of the abominable. My head is throbbing. I can't TAKE it anymore.
I called my friend a few hours ago, and she's going to come over and have movie night with me. I'm in bad shape. I need... to just STOP hurting. STOP the terror inside of me. I can't shut it off. It always comes back when I need to sleep or relax. It's like my poor soggy brain uses up all of it's reserves to hold back the nightmare, and when it's exhausted, the nightmare just comes back, worse than ever.
And I keep on having strange moments where I look down and there is blood- I have scratched some scab off and I'm bleeding all over my computer mouse, or I'm drying myself off after my shower and my towel has a bright red smear from some mole that I must have scratched on my back. My white pillowcase has little dots of blood on it where I am scratching my ears and bleeding.
I have to find another way to cope. I don't even realize when I'm doing it until the bright red color is there, and it makes me feel... okay. The taste of blood in my mouth as I chew the inside of my cheeks brings me back to the here and now. Away from the nightmare.
Lindenblut.
Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad BadI'm so sorry to bleed all over these vanilla pages. It's the most soothing thing I can do right now. better than anything else. I should just keep typing.
Posted by Poet on September 24, 2006, at 11:51:10
In reply to Lindenblüte is on alert ****suicide SI triggers*, posted by Lindenblüte on September 23, 2006, at 17:12:56
Hi Li,
I hope you had a movie night with your friend or some sort of distraction to take you away for awhile from what's triggering you.
Remember that fanastic haircut, and try to hang onto how you felt afterwards. Okay?
Poet
Posted by Gee on September 24, 2006, at 17:23:54
In reply to Re: Lindenblüte is on alert ****suicide SI triggers* » Lindenblüte, posted by Poet on September 24, 2006, at 11:51:10
I hope tha tyou have a great movie night. Only 4 more days after today!!!
Posted by muffled on September 24, 2006, at 17:56:46
In reply to Lindenblüte is on alert ****suicide SI triggers*, posted by Lindenblüte on September 23, 2006, at 17:12:56
Well, I kinda a little screwed myself so i hope I don't say the wrong thing.
But Li, anyways. Bout the si stuff. Well, I know you don't really cotton on to the idea of hurt kids inside of you, but thats proly where its comming from....
And its nothing to be scared of, cuz there IS an adult li, and she can comfort ther kids, and tell them its ok now, and they safe, and they not bad, and she gonna take care of them.
And not realizing you picking is proly just a dissoctiative thing. I call it blanking. When things get too intense, I blank.
I dissociate ALOT less now. Even when quite stressed. Sometimes I wish I would blank, but I can't.
I know you love kids Li. Love the ones inside too. Thats all they want. They want to exist, and be understood, and heard, and know they safe and ok.
As for anxiety, there is stuff like xanax and klonopin. It eases the anxiety, and can help you sleep too if you take more. It doesn't all stone you out really unless you take too much.
Its gonna be hard awhile, but its gonna be ok.
You got what it takes to get thru this expiditiously as possible.
You still Li. You just got to let them kids get what they need and it'll be ok.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 24, 2006, at 19:18:50
In reply to Re: Lindenblüte is on alert ****suicide SI triggers* » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on September 24, 2006, at 17:56:46
Hi Babblers,
(listening to Prokofiev: Romeo & Juliet- Mercutio)My friend came over yesterday evening, and the first thing she asked for was a hug. She's about my age, and she's kind of going through a rough thing right now with a guy. Anyways, misery loves company. I asked her what the matter was? She looked so distraught. It's amazing how hearing somebody else's troubles can really distract me from my own. (Maybe that's why Pbabble is so soothing?)
So she was over, and we watched TV, ate some Indian Food, made chocolate cupcakes, she smoked a bit, and then I told her that I terminated with my Mr. T on Fri, and that I was getting a new Ms. T on Wed. She said it sounds really hard. And she asked me what was going on with me, that I was seeing T and pdoc so much right now, and having headaches and so unstable? And making jokes about dying and killing myself and how I won't have to do the dissertation afterall...
I told her that I had told my T something really hard, and that I had also told husband, and aside from that nobody else. That it was really heavy stuff-- are you SURE you want to hear it? Sure, she said. I'll be here. Tell me. What's up? (I trust her, because she was really nice to me this spring when I was working with Mr. T, my first ever encounter with mental healthcare.)
So, I told her that I was having really strong feelings for the first time in a long time, because I had gotten so adept at "turning off" and playing a happy face. And that the feelings were really intense, and often left me feeling really anxious and scared, for what was (for many months) no reason. And that in the last few weeks, I started to put things together, and last week- I finally started to get a sense of what the picture was. Since I had seen what the picture was- suddenly things were assaulting me- little episodes from my childhood and adolescence. Often that I had to experience something terrible for the first time with a sense of technicolor surround sound IMAX 3-d immersion. And it was terrible. That things were flooding me. Coming at me from left and right, and triggering me, and that I would either be at home, shaking with general anxiety and exhaustion of holding back my emtions for hours on end, or completely tuned out/blank for hours/ or having these vivid flashbacks/ or having these violent emotional outburst of grief, rage, sadness...
That I guess I was admitting to myself for the first time (as an adult) that my childhood and adolescence was pretty violent, and pretty abusive. That there may have been some sexual abuse too. That I wasn't sure where the brainwashing stopped and where the Lindenblüte started... (and you guys know the rest, perhaps better than even I know myself)
She was good. listened well. Didn't judge me, didn't get wierd about it. She said she'd be here for me. ((((((X)))))). And she called her ride to come get her, but he was busy, and she was already nodding off (halfway into the first skit of SNL) so, I gave her a blankie and a pillow and she crashed on my couch. We went for brunch and shopping this afternoon, and now I'm home. 24 hrs with X and I feel like I'm myself again. It's important for me to have these real life people to kind of "ground" me... prevent me from sailing off on some sea of turbulent neurotransmission...
-Li
(and that's what you babblers help with too... yes, I'm still liking my new haircut, and I got a little shirt today too, so that will be nice, and a free perfume sample... just distracting myself. Reminding myself what matters, and what feels right is not always wrong. What feels right is not necessarily brain washing)
Posted by happyflower on September 25, 2006, at 14:40:00
In reply to Lindenblüte is on alert ****suicide SI triggers*, posted by Lindenblüte on September 23, 2006, at 17:12:56
Hi Lindenblute,
I haven't replied to you yet, I have so much to say, but don't know how to say it, I owe you a babblemail, I try to write, but then it is so hard, because I identify with you and your situation so much. But I am thinking of you and reading your posts, just to let you know, I do care.
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 25, 2006, at 17:52:02
In reply to Re: Lindenblüte is on alert ****suicide SI triggers*, posted by happyflower on September 25, 2006, at 14:40:00
Thanks Happyf,
I'm not really sure what to expect. I feel pretty good all day sunday and today felt perilously close to "normal".I just went out for coffee with my PT. I asked him to meet me outside of therapeutic setting, because I had something important to discuss with him, and because I didn't want to do so in a place where I felt ill at ease. It went well, and he was supportive, so that was good. We both agreed that temporarily suspending my PT is probably best for the time being. (will also help me save money for my expensive psychotherapy. yuck)
I understand completely that reading a post like mine is uncomfortable for many. I don't want you to read it if it is triggering to you, or hits you in a place where you are vulnerable. I just wanted to express that I was in a scary place. I'm gradually getting used to living through intense phases where I am not sure that I want to continue to exist or suffer.
At this point, I feel "with it" enough to know the difference between intense suicidal ideation and the next step- when I'm in big trouble. Knowing that difference is good. It helps me to think that these are just FEELINGS, and that I am still in control of myself enough to take care of me and do something to get my mind out of the dark abyss.
In the meanwhile, I need to be distracted. And part of the distraction is the babbleworld with typing and responding supportively, and thinking of witticisms.
But honestly, behind a facade of cheery mirth, there is a lot of unexpressed pain and suffering. I can switch back and forth at will. This is something that I show mastery of in all but the most extreme stress. Something that I likely learned from an early age so that I could trick the world into ignoring me and my hurt and shame. So, it might seem very bizarre that I can post a joke on social board, a nerdy response on self-esteem board, and a statement of suicidal feelings on the psychology board within a single hour, but actually, this is a good thing. It means that I am able to switch gears. The bad thing will be when I have a babble-meltdown and lose my ability to be civil (to myself, or my abusers, most likely) I hope I never lash out inappropriately at psycho-babble-folk, but that stuff happens everyonce in a while.
It's okay just to read, and respond when you're ready. you don't owe me anything, but it you want to write me, I will surely read it (eventually)
thanks happyflower. I'm glad you're here.
-Li
This is the end of the thread.
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