Posted by Lindenblüte on September 25, 2006, at 17:52:02
In reply to Re: Lindenblüte is on alert ****suicide SI triggers*, posted by happyflower on September 25, 2006, at 14:40:00
Thanks Happyf,
I'm not really sure what to expect. I feel pretty good all day sunday and today felt perilously close to "normal".I just went out for coffee with my PT. I asked him to meet me outside of therapeutic setting, because I had something important to discuss with him, and because I didn't want to do so in a place where I felt ill at ease. It went well, and he was supportive, so that was good. We both agreed that temporarily suspending my PT is probably best for the time being. (will also help me save money for my expensive psychotherapy. yuck)
I understand completely that reading a post like mine is uncomfortable for many. I don't want you to read it if it is triggering to you, or hits you in a place where you are vulnerable. I just wanted to express that I was in a scary place. I'm gradually getting used to living through intense phases where I am not sure that I want to continue to exist or suffer.
At this point, I feel "with it" enough to know the difference between intense suicidal ideation and the next step- when I'm in big trouble. Knowing that difference is good. It helps me to think that these are just FEELINGS, and that I am still in control of myself enough to take care of me and do something to get my mind out of the dark abyss.
In the meanwhile, I need to be distracted. And part of the distraction is the babbleworld with typing and responding supportively, and thinking of witticisms.
But honestly, behind a facade of cheery mirth, there is a lot of unexpressed pain and suffering. I can switch back and forth at will. This is something that I show mastery of in all but the most extreme stress. Something that I likely learned from an early age so that I could trick the world into ignoring me and my hurt and shame. So, it might seem very bizarre that I can post a joke on social board, a nerdy response on self-esteem board, and a statement of suicidal feelings on the psychology board within a single hour, but actually, this is a good thing. It means that I am able to switch gears. The bad thing will be when I have a babble-meltdown and lose my ability to be civil (to myself, or my abusers, most likely) I hope I never lash out inappropriately at psycho-babble-folk, but that stuff happens everyonce in a while.
It's okay just to read, and respond when you're ready. you don't owe me anything, but it you want to write me, I will surely read it (eventually)
thanks happyflower. I'm glad you're here.
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:688491
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/689153.html