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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on September 23, 2006, at 11:46:54
Let me get through this day without killing myself
without wanting to
Let me find life somewhere inside myself,
something I can find to hold onto that is worth fighting for;
my children; I am such a lousy parent,
I love them but my love isn't enough to save anybody
it isn't enough
it isn't enough
it isn't enough
Hope is goneYesterday I saw a new psych,
she is going to get ahold of my old psych,
the one who finds me distasteful and horrid,
sick, Sick SICK me ...
I loved him so much and I wasn't supposed to.
I wasn't supposed to.
I shouldn't have.
I shouldn't have.
Why did I?
Why couldn't I stop myself,
I couldn't ...And now, I have no drug to help me
"Help" .. uh-huh.
Sure.
Help, my *ss. That drug LIED to me.
It made me feel things that weren't true.
It wasn't the drug's fault, though.
I was in charge the whole time.
I felt those things because I wanted to.
They were inside me, truly there.
Now they're gone.
I'm about to be told just how sick I really am.God, help me.
Posted by Susan47 on September 23, 2006, at 11:59:36
In reply to Dear god, posted by Susan47 on September 23, 2006, at 11:46:54
I want to die.
I really want to die.
But I know it would scar my children so much, and that would be bad.
Terrible, horrible, unfair cruel unkind horrid horrible ...
like the horrid life I have had, I cannot pass that onto them either.
I can't give them my hopelessness, my depression, my self-deprecation
I can't leave them with that.
I don't know why these wonderful little people were unfortunate enough to come into my life,
it isn't fair to them.
Posted by Jost on September 23, 2006, at 12:39:21
In reply to Re: Dear god, posted by Susan47 on September 23, 2006, at 11:59:36
Susan47, I don't know you. I'm sorry, though, that you're so hard on yourself.
Maybe maybe you'll find a better T.
Hope and belief in the possiblity of good things-- can be a terrible burden-- when balanced against and on that razor edge of despair.
Your children see the best in you, and love that, even if you don't, right now.
You're right, though-- it would hurt them to lose you, deeply.
Even if you aren't all that you want to be--- when there's life, there *is* hope--
there's a future even if you can't believe in it-- and don't want to contemplate it-- where something better is possible.
Don't try to think about that, if it's hard. Just think about today, and the small, even invisible-to-you, good that your presence does for those who love you. That matters, so much.
I hope you to keep on with the struggle, despite everything.
Jost
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 23, 2006, at 16:57:07
In reply to Re: Dear god » Susan47, posted by Jost on September 23, 2006, at 12:39:21
Susan47,
I'm so sorry you're hurting. When I feel like this, I just tell myself that I don't want to DIE, but just that I want the pain to end.There are other options, like sleep, or yelling into a pillow, or crying your eyes out. Taking the kids out for ice cream.
I'm sorry you're like this, right now. Time will go on. Your new psych might try something new with you. Let them work with you and help you end your suffering. It takes a while. it's not always uphill, but I think you can do it. just keep on holding on. if you can make it until bedtime, the morning will be brighter. and before you know it, a week will have passed. Maybe the worst week you've had in a long time,but it will be behind you.
((((((safe cyber hugs))))))))
Posted by newlife27 on September 23, 2006, at 20:44:27
In reply to Re: Dear god, posted by Susan47 on September 23, 2006, at 11:59:36
I am so sorry you feel this way:( I can feel your pain in your words and I just wanted you to know that I can sense your sadness in a way that is all too familiar.
I think that the fact you care so much about how your choices might affect your children shows that you are a devoted and loving mother.
I really wish I could be of help to you.
Take care
newlife
Posted by canadagirl on September 23, 2006, at 21:25:56
In reply to Dear god, posted by Susan47 on September 23, 2006, at 11:46:54
I'm not sure what you are fearing the new psych will find out about. But whatever experience you have had, it's likely they have heard/seen it all before. The fact that they are in this business in the first place indicates that they ought to be quite resilient to their patients' love or declarations of love and/or patients acting out in various ways on those feelings from time to time. I'm guessing here, but I'm sure you are not the first, and won't be the last, to have fallen for your T and/or acted on those feelings in whatever manner.
You are a worthwhile person and deserve to live. Whatever you are feeling so bad about, is in the past. The past is gone. You can't change the past but there is hope for the future. Try to remain in the present moment. Your children still need you. We are all imperfect.Even your psychs.
Posted by Dinah on September 24, 2006, at 10:14:00
In reply to Dear god, posted by Susan47 on September 23, 2006, at 11:46:54
Maybe a different psychiatrist, and a female one, will help you with those feelings.
Is she just going to be for meds or are you going to do therapy with her?
I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, Susan. I try hard to keep in mind that what goes down in mood generally goes up again, and try not to dwell too much on the corollary.
Posted by Poet on September 24, 2006, at 11:47:48
In reply to Re: Dear god, posted by Susan47 on September 23, 2006, at 11:59:36
Hi Susan,
Depression is evil. It causes us to forget even our smallest good qualities. I know when I'm depressed I can't see any bit of good in being alive. I bury anything positive about myself under a lead of self hatred.
Your little bits of good are that you have kids who need you, who I'll bet don't see the horrible person you see yourself as.
I'm sorry your feeling so rotten. I've been there and know that it's hard to believe things can get better, but they will.
(((((Susan)))))))
Poet
Posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 13:13:41
In reply to Re: Dear god » Susan47, posted by Poet on September 24, 2006, at 11:47:48
Meaning, in my case,
Borderline Personality Disorder.
Controversial.
Perhaps.
But in my case, I can see things.
Things like ...
calling a psychologist's answering machine and leaving all kinds of messages, some of which seemed threatening but really weren't. And who would know that except myself? Nobody. No one. Not a person. Only me.
I remember once, leaving a message saying that I wanted to steal my file. I remember feelihg so disrespected by him. I remember feeling a lack of respect for myself.
I remember feeling extreme anger. Anger at everyone, including myself, for the failure I am.
For the failure I feel.
I don't know if I always felt this way. I think, yes. Yes.
I wish it weren't so.
I don't want it to be like this anymore, and I don't know if anything will change it.
I will give psychotherapy one last chance.
I've lost everything.
I have squandered my resources.
I have literally almost nothing left.
Apparently, this is a common theme amongst those with my.. diagnosis.There has to be a reason why I went through this life like this.
There has to be something I can do to make it better.
To make it valuable.
There is no point in having lived and suffered like this if I can't turn it into something that would help other people.
How?
Posted by bird in the sky on September 24, 2006, at 20:46:49
In reply to Okay - BPD, posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 13:13:41
Hi Susan47
I remember you from a long time ago. i remember you talking about how your T left you, i thought.
i remember thinking, god, what a heartbreak, what a shock. I hope you find one who shows how he/she cares about you. i almost lost mine, because i crossed boundaries after he told me he would drop me if i did. It was only luck that i didn't i guess. so i could understand how it could happen. i also understand how it's almost uncontrollable how we replay those rejection things. we do things so people will reject us, we feel so so bad when they do or angry. It is so hard to get out of this cycle. I don't do it too much anymore but still do. I went thru a long therapy that helped me to have compassion for my parents and understand they got it from theirs. so that helped a lot. i hope you can concentrate on the good, yummy things you like about life and think about the possibilities of nice relationships, you know you've felt what it's like! I also believe in prayer. pls hang in there and let us know how you are. Bird
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