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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2006, at 22:41:11
Oh boy. I just got off the phone with a man from the 1-800-suicide hotline. What an interesting (ha) experience.
I have never talked to someone who sounded so scripted in my life. Maybe because I'm trained in counseling (classes) or maybe just from being in therapy... but he was trying to reflect feelings (what I hear you saying is..) but he was so obvious about it. He'd use my exact words and state the obvious, over and over. It actually helped because I was able to laugh to myself on the other end of the line (silently) and that helped calm me down a little. But at the end, I could tell when our conversation was over... he started his line about "we're always here to help, please call back etc etc". Felt a little forced, but really we werent getting anywhere talking, so I guess its okay.
Has anyone else ever called a hotline before? Is this what your experience was like? It felt goofy and stupid.
The reason I called was to try to decide if I should take myself to the hospital or not. I still have no idea.
Posted by muffled on September 9, 2006, at 22:55:10
In reply to called a hotline, posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2006, at 22:41:11
> Oh boy. I just got off the phone with a man from the 1-800-suicide hotline. What an interesting (ha) experience.
>
> I have never talked to someone who sounded so scripted in my life. Maybe because I'm trained in counseling (classes) or maybe just from being in therapy... but he was trying to reflect feelings (what I hear you saying is..) but he was so obvious about it. He'd use my exact words and state the obvious, over and over. It actually helped because I was able to laugh to myself on the other end of the line (silently) and that helped calm me down a little. But at the end, I could tell when our conversation was over... he started his line about "we're always here to help, please call back etc etc". Felt a little forced, but really we werent getting anywhere talking, so I guess its okay.
>
> Has anyone else ever called a hotline before? Is this what your experience was like? It felt goofy and stupid.
>
> The reason I called was to try to decide if I should take myself to the hospital or not. I still have no idea.
>
>***Ya, I used to laugh cuz on my T's message when she is away, it says to call the local crisis line or goto emerg.
Half the time the crisis line is busy. And really, when you think of it, they are very limited in scope, really only generally speaking , good for crisis.
Ya, they saved me one time, was gonna do it. They called the cops.Why do you feel the need to goto hosp.?
I feel that way sometimes, but the hosps. in our system pretty much suck. The gov't stuff don't do much for ya.
Is it a better situ. there?
I think if you feel at risk of seriously harming yourself or others, then you need to go.
If you meds are way out of wack and you wanto restabilize or goto new ones in a safe place, then hosp. might be good.
So I'm not sure why you need to go?
If you feel strongly that you should, then perhaps you should listen to yourself and go.
If you admit voluntarily, you can leave any time.
I dunno if this is helpful at all :-(
Take special care,
Sorry your struggling, hard to think when you struggling isn't it?
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2006, at 23:17:38
In reply to Re: called a hotline, posted by muffled on September 9, 2006, at 22:55:10
My Ts away message always says go to your nearest emergency room.. like it's that easy! Hah... oh well.
I talked to Laurie yesterday about the hospital. She encouraged it... even if they dont admit me, she said, to at least get some more immediate help somehow.
I'm not an immediate danger to myself. Sort of suicidal, but not to the point I feel scared of myself right now. (I've been there before and its scary). But I also am not functioning barely at all lately. I havent done any work in 5-6 days, am not really interacting with anyone (although I dont have friends anyway really)... I just feel like I'm walking around in a complete daze. Everything feels like its in a fog - like I'm looking in from the outside. Even the other day I had to stand up in front of my social psych grad seminar and debate something and I didnt feel like I could focus in and feel like I was with everyone, no matter how much I tried. I'm just really worthless right now when it comes to functioning at all. I told a friend today who tried to help to never talk to me again because I didnt like something he said. I'm just losing it. This isnt me. I have this weird feeling I cant even describe sometimes lately.. where I just feel like I truly am on the edge of snapping and ending up laughing to myself in a corner. I've never felt that way before. Like I'm just about to really lose it for good. Its scary.
I'm not on any meds. I tried for months to get an appt and just finally got one, but its not until the 22nd.
If I were feeling dangerously suicidal, it'd be an easier decision. But it's hard for me to justify going to the hospital (with the possibility that theyd admit me) when I'm not. Laurie says I have to take care of myself and if I'm not functioning, I need to take the next logical step. But isnt the hospital only for people in major immediate crisis? There arent really any other options I havent tried other than that though. But it seems attention-seeking and stupid to go. Although I admit, part of me does want to. But I just dont know.
Posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 1:17:14
In reply to Re: called a hotline » muffled, posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2006, at 23:17:38
> I talked to Laurie yesterday about the hospital. She encouraged it... even if they dont admit me, she said, to at least get some more immediate help somehow.
**Somehow. Its not always easy to get admitted......
>
> I'm not an immediate danger to myself. Sort of suicidal, but not to the point I feel scared of myself right now.**Glad to hear that
(I've been there before and its scary). But I also am not functioning barely at all lately. I havent done any work in 5-6 days, am not really interacting with anyone (although I dont have friends anyway really)... I just feel like I'm walking around in a complete daze.
***Well ahve you had a physical workup lately to rule out any possible physical probs? And mebbe your GP would be more able to get you into hosp? Yeah, the poor functioning is not good, especially in school. But your T is right , you goto take care of yourself.
Everything feels like its in a fog - like I'm looking in from the outside. Even the other day I had to stand up in front of my social psych grad seminar and debate something and I didnt feel like I could focus in and feel like I was with everyone, no matter how much I tried. I'm just really worthless right now when it comes to functioning at all.
**Sounds anxious. Like you've pulled way back.
I told a friend today who tried to help to never talk to me again because I didnt like something he said. I'm just losing it. This isnt me. I have this weird feeling I cant even describe sometimes lately.. where I just feel like I truly am on the edge of snapping and ending up laughing to myself in a corner. I've never felt that way before. Like I'm just about to really lose it for good. Its scary.
**Maybe anxiety? Thats sounds very much like it. I used to get that alot, feel like I was on the edge, ready to go over. Everything felt so weird, everything. So I'd just curl up somewhere and wish it would go away. I felt SO bad. A GP could dispense xanax or something to tide you over...?
>
> I'm not on any meds. I tried for months to get an appt and just finally got one, but its not until the 22nd.**with a p-doc?
>
> If I were feeling dangerously suicidal, it'd be an easier decision. But it's hard for me to justify going to the hospital (with the possibility that theyd admit me) when I'm not. Laurie says I have to take care of myself and if I'm not functioning, I need to take the next logical step. But isnt the hospital only for people in major immediate crisis? There arent really any other options I havent tried other than that though. But it seems attention-seeking and stupid to go. Although I admit, part of me does want to. But I just dont know.**the hospital is also useful to get onto the meds as requiered. But here its hard to get in unless its very serious.
I no expert, cept on myself mebbe, but if I were you I would try to get a benzo(eg.xanax, clonopin) to try and see if that eases things for you until the 22nd.
At low doses they don't make you sleepy really, and REALLY help with the anxiety. Totally amazing they are. And once the anxiety tones down, then so does that weird feeling.
Best wishes to you.
Keep us posted.
take care,
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on September 10, 2006, at 8:36:26
In reply to Re: called a hotline, posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 1:17:14
Yes, the appt on the 22nd is with a psychiatrist. I've had a lot of bad experiences with psych drugs not working before so a GP was sort of out.. since I've been through half of them already. That was years ago though.
I also had a medical workup done a few months ago. Thyroid, all that. All clear. The thing they were worried about is that I am on hormonal birth control pills which can mess with your mood, but I was on them long before I got depressed, so I think its okay. And I've been depresed like this before when not on them. This feels just the same.
I really dont know if it's anxiety or not. I've never felt anxious. I just feel so completely helpless and out of control right now. I would appreciate some xanax (or something) to dumb me down.. I've been considering using percocet for that very purpose. (Although I probably wont because thats not a cycle I want to get into). But at this point, I wouldnt even get in to a GP before the 22nd probably.
I could speak to the emergency person on call at the university counseling center tomorrow.. but there are a few possible issues.. the biggest being that there's a high likleihood that I might know the person on call personally (I'm in the field, did an internship at that center, dance with one of the counselors daughters, etc). Second, theyve alreadt turned me away 3 or 4 times from regular services, most recently just a week ago, so I doubt they want to see me back. And last, they dont perscribe meds there anyway, so I dont know if it'd be worth it anyway. I know I'm full of excuses sometimes, so maybe I should just shut up. I dont know. I dont know about anything right now.
Posted by ClearSkies on September 10, 2006, at 8:53:41
In reply to Re: called a hotline » muffled, posted by wishingstar on September 10, 2006, at 8:36:26
How are you doing today, Wishingstar?
I'm glad you have an appointment coming up. It's so frustrating to have to wait for help - I know what that's like. Can you do a countdown for yourself on a calendar? One more day behind you?
Mostly, I'm sorry you feel so poorly. Your experience with the hotline sounds like being handed a piece of dental floss when what you want is a lifeline. Hang in there, WS.
ClearSkies
Posted by wishingstar on September 10, 2006, at 10:51:02
In reply to Re: called a hotline » wishingstar, posted by ClearSkies on September 10, 2006, at 8:53:41
Thanks for asking clearskies.. I really do appreciate your concern and asking..
I dont know. I feel like I'm just in this.. bubble. Fog. I dont know. Sort of numb. I'm spending a lot of time just staring. You know when you get really, really ill (a bad flu or something) and youre happy just staring at the wall for hours? That me right now. I've never felt this way before.
I'm really scared. Not of the above feeling.. I dont know what I'm scared of. That feeling just keeps running through my mind. And it isnt an anxiety-related panic feeling... just a deep need to be held and taken care of. I'm too scared to do this alone right now. But I also dont have a choice. But at the same time, I'm not reaching out to anyone. I'm feeling safer by myself. I've always done it alone since I first got depressed at 16. I'll continue to.
The appointment on the 22nd feels too far away to even be real right now.
I think I'm going to call Laurie tomorrow and ask for an appointment she offered on Friday. Who knows how I'll feel by then.. maybe better. I dont know. I think thats one thing I'm afraid of... making a big step like going to the hospital and then waking up tomorrow and feeling fine again. And it having been a dumb decision.
I liked your analogy about the looking for a lifeline and getting dental floss. I feel a lot like that.
Tomorrow I will go meet with my graduate advisor. It's a meeting about my masters thesis. I'll have to tell her I havent done squat since we last met 2 weeks ago. She'll love that. But I just cant. But I'm so afraid I'm using this as an excuse because I dont WANT to do it (I dont)... I just dont know.
I'm sorry if my writing isnt all that coherent. I dont feel very "with it" right now.
I'm going to have lunch here in a minute and then leave me apartment. Maybe go to the craft store and the book store. For some reason, I always fall into this delusion that I have artistic ability when I get depressed. Hah. I also rented some movies and plan to spend the day laying on my floor, coloring in my coloring books, eating crap im not hungry for, and staring at the wall.
I also have an appointment scheduled with Anne for Wed. I think I might cancel it. I'm trying to decide who to let go of (anne or laurie) and sort of have both right now... but Anne isnt good for crises. Maybe I'll go to the drop-in emergency person at the counseling center tomorrow. I just dont know.
Posted by Racer on September 10, 2006, at 10:52:45
In reply to Re: called a hotline » muffled, posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2006, at 23:17:38
> > If I were feeling dangerously suicidal, it'd be an easier decision. But it's hard for me to justify going to the hospital (with the possibility that theyd admit me) when I'm not. Laurie says I have to take care of myself and if I'm not functioning, I need to take the next logical step. But isnt the hospital only for people in major immediate crisis? There arent really any other options I havent tried other than that though. But it seems attention-seeking and stupid to go. Although I admit, part of me does want to. But I just dont know.
Ooooohh! You're being awfully hard on yourself there. "attention-seeking and stupid?" That's kinda harsh, don't you think? I also don't agree with either that statement or the one about hospitals ONLY being for immediate crises. I can see a few other reasons, including needing help getting adjusted to meds, that make hospital a not so bad option. Whether or not you give the hospital a try, give yourself a break, wouldja? ;-)
Here's my hotline story. I was sitting in my bathroom, with the telephone and my suicide plan, and decided to call a hotline. No hotlines, as far as I could find out, where I lived, so I called the local "suicide crisis line" which turned out to be the local psych hospital. Not helpful -- "uh... if you want to do that, you need to come here. Do you know the address?" Oh, yeah, great... They did give me the number of another hotline, though, in another city nearby, maybe an hour away from me? I called that line.
And got a guy I used to date.
I didn't recognize him at first. My name is a little distinctive -- how many people do you know named "Racer?" ;-) -- so he must have recognized me, because something was just too weird in his voice. I was freaking out beyond belief, wondering what I was doing wrong on this hotline that this guy was so weird to me, when I put the name together with the voice and the weirdness... (It had been YEARS since I'd thought about this guy. NOT a big part of my memory. I wouldn't have remembered his name, anyway.)
I've called other hotlines when I needed to. Mostly they're good. A few have been worthless. My big problem has always been that I've called them looking for resources as well as someone to talk to right then, and mostly they haven't been very helpful. That's largely, of course, because there aren't many resources around here...
Take care, Wishingstar. I hope things get easier. I also urge you to consider the ER, if only because they might be able to light a fire under a doctor to see you sooner...
Posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 13:03:37
In reply to Re: called a hotline » ClearSkies, posted by wishingstar on September 10, 2006, at 10:51:02
:-( helplines are not the most comforting options for support, huh. ((((((wishingstar))))) I'm sorry you are so paralyzed. I know there's nothing that feels like it's truly helping when you're so low. It's really good that you are trying to find stuff to do during the day. I still have six colouring books I bought during the winter when I couldn't walk and was too depressed to focus my mind to do anything else. Choosing between different shades of blue to color Donald's shirt was as much as I could handle. I really did all this too. It helps time pass. I mostly watch movies now. If I knew which you were renting I would've done the same :)
I'd be worried that a hospital admission would not be what you were hoping for -- I wouldn't want you worse. Maybe they are different where you live, but I find them absolutely terrifying. The only reason I would go there would be if I was in immediate danger of killing myself, or if I was severely medically injured. But you know, sometimes I would give just about anything to give the days some variation....maybe the hospital thing sounds better in those moments :( Have you called the hospital's Outpatient Mental Health Services number yet? (does yours have one)
It takes a long time to get appointments where I am too -- a long time. And that's just the worst, because time moves differently when you're waiting for something to come -- waiting for ANYTHING to come. And even slower when you're waiting in so much pain. Sometimes I would swear it moves backwards. If I were you I would probably end up showing up to any meeting Anne or Laurie offered me, but go into it with no expectations other than to kill time and commit me to a later date in the future -- I think that's the basic reason why I showed up to see that counsellor of my own. You may even come out of it feeling a little more cared for as a bonus. I am convincing myself that CC cared for me more than she did. But I mean, whatever helps you get through another day, right?
I hope someone at the university will offer you a better solution. Please keep waiting through this part. (((((((((((WS))))))))))))
blove, EL
Posted by wishingstar on September 10, 2006, at 16:12:16
In reply to Re: called a hotline *poss trigger* » wishingstar, posted by Racer on September 10, 2006, at 10:52:45
Well I did it. I'm back here posting so obviously they didnt admit me.
It was so hard. I parked and then stood outside the doors to the ER for a good 5 minutes shaking debating whether or not to go in. I finally walked in and had to tell this cute little mennonite woman (we have a lot of mennonites around here) that I wanted to talk to a psych person. That was hard too. I was shaking the entire time through registration and I'm sure I looked ridiculous.
They put me in a little room back in fast track and made me talk to 1500 people before they called the psych team woman. I guess she had to shower (?) so it took awhile but she came. Asked me a zillion questions. Took a ton of notes. I said I didnt want to be admitted and she said I wasnt going to be. She kept saying how everyone else she sees in the ER is usually so much worse off and how now is the time for me to start taking this seriously and try to get help. When she left and came back a few minutes later she asked if I was okay (I'd been crying) and I just lost it. I NEVER cry in front of people.. and this was more than just a few tears. This was a loud obnious "cant get myself together" cry. I told her I HAVE been taking this seriously. I've exhausted every other option for help. I've taken meds before. I've been in therapy for years. I'm trying. Whatever. Just hit a very sensitive spot I guess. She really wasnt that bad at all.. seemed sweet.. just that part was bad I guess.
So she recommended the partial hospitalization program and I'm startng that tomorrow morning. It's M-F, 9am-3pm. I have to talk to someone tomorrow to see how long I'll be in it for.. she said its usually about a week. They have a psychiatrist there so I can get on meds hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. In a way, very glad. Finally something that will hopefully help. Finally I can get some meds. But in a way, I also feel like I've crossed the line from outpatient therapy (it seems like everyone does that these days) into something more serious. Now I'm really messed up. I'd never say that to anyone else, but for me, it feels true. How did I ever end up here?
I called both Anne and Laurie and left messages telling them. Laurie will be proud of me, I think.
I hope I'm doing the right thing.
I cant tell you all how much I appreciate your support. You are my only support right now. I dont know what I'd do without this site.
I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow.
Posted by wishingstar on September 10, 2006, at 16:17:35
In reply to Re: called a hotline *poss trigger* » wishingstar, posted by Racer on September 10, 2006, at 10:52:45
Racer, you have no idea how much this post helped me. I dont know if I would have ended up going today if it wasnt for what you said.
I'm just so scared to look like I'm seeking attention or making a big deal out of nothing.. I guess part of me knows I need to give myself a break, but I dont know. It does feel stupid.
And I have to say, you win the prize for worst hotline experience for sure. Wow. That must have been terrible.. both calls, but especially reaching your ex. Did you keep talking once you realized who he was? When I look back on last night, even though this guy was goofy and not very helpful, he DID calm me down.. not in the way he intended to, but my amusement at the experience calmed me down. So I guess it wasnt that bad anyway. Maybe he was just new. And I didnt realize Racer was actually your real name!
Thank you again for posting.. it really made a difference for me
Posted by wishingstar on September 10, 2006, at 16:19:58
In reply to Re: called a hotline » wishingstar, posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 13:03:37
I guess it doesnt matter now since its already been decided, but your'e right... admission isnt/wasnt what I wanted. I'm just feeling so desperate and hopeless right now and I dont see any other options. But just knowing that i'll be starting this program tomorrow is helping.. its given me a little bit of hope back.
Coloring really is the best. I have this book of these intricate little geometric designs that I like to color.
Posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 19:12:40
In reply to Re: called a hotline » ElaineM, posted by wishingstar on September 10, 2006, at 16:19:58
Wishingstar, I'm so proud of you for doing this. Day Hospital is exactly what I had in mind - I'm so relieved for you. I think it's a good decision. You'll get the help you deserve and need, and still get to keep your autonomy. Still get to shower at home. Still have your own sheets.
And you'll get to be around others - but others in the same boat. It won't be as isolating as suffering alone. I'm so pleased that something is happening for you. You are right, just knowing that something is going to actually happen can seem like a bit of hope.
It sounds like it was really difficult to do -- showing loud tears to others and all. (((((wishingstar)))))
blove, EL
Posted by wishingstar on September 10, 2006, at 21:12:06
In reply to Re: called a hotline » wishingstar, posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 19:12:40
Thanks Elaine. The tears were certainly on purpose, but yes, its probably a good thing.
I'm just scared. I hope this goes okay. I'll let you all know tomorrow night.
This is the end of the thread.
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